Monday, 24 April 2017

People for dinner

I was moving into an apartment with my wife and was busy carrying boxes into rooms.
A man who I have never seen before was suddenly in the room with us.
He started to ask questions, which started off as inquisitive at first, but then he was just being too personal.

Unhappy with his line of questions I punched him in the face and then continued bringing in boxes.

I then saw the same man walking up some stone steps towards a court where he was about to attend.
At the top, a woman walked past him and the man grabbed her arm. He then produced an axe and chopped her hand clean off.

Holding her arm up in the air the man then started pulling veins and arteries out of her and then dropping them into his mouth like spaghetti.

He continued eating her innards until her body was just a empty bag of skin. He then discarded it like an empty paper bag.


                          

Saturday, 8 April 2017

Earthquake miricle

Last night I was under house arrest for some reason. I was also disabled and in a wheelchair, unable to use my legs.

I was attempting to plot my escape by writing a plan on a white board but was clearly hampered by my lack of legs. My captors knew this and so where happy to leave me unattended.

Suddenly there was a huge earthquake that shook the entire house, I panicked and jumped out of my chair and ran up to the window and climbed out.

Somehow the earthquake had enabled me to walk again.
I strolled into a big hall where I knew my captors were to show off.

Clearly not thinking this through in my delight in being able to walk again as I was promptly apprehended again!


                                

Thursday, 6 April 2017

Lost

I was totally and utterly lost in a big city, nothing looked familiar and I knew nobody.
I kept going up to people and asking for directions but as in my waking life, I forgot them the instant I was told them.

I went to a woman at a train station and she gave me a host of lefts and rights. I walked onto the street and just looked around me in despair.

A man approached me and I asked him if he could help me. He unrolled a poster and said, "I certainly can" 
The poster was a photo of me with a caption of 'This man has no sense of direction'  with a phone number at the bottom.

I knew instantly that my wife had created this knowing my appalling habit of getting lost.

The man rang the number on the poster and suddenly my dear departed nan and grandad appeared, both hugged me and I cried with happiness.


                                        

Friday, 31 March 2017

The end of civilisation.

I found myself in the conference hall of a large hotel complex. It was packed with thousands of people.
It had been announced that the end of the World was imminent and to save mankind any suffering, a global pact had been agreed whereby the entire population would end their own lives.

A woman in charge told the gathered people that we were indeed the last people on Earth, the rest of the World having already gone.
It was agreed that I could inject everyone a deadly and instant poison on the understanding that my wife and I were the very last of mankind to go.

An orderly queue formed and one by one the gathered people dropped like flies as soon as I stabbed a needle into them.
I looked over at my wife and we were the only two alive.

At this point I informed her that I intended all along not to end our existence, planning that we would live our lives free of the annoyance of other people.

We went to a hotel room and found that we wasn't alone, Howard Stern former American Idol judge was sat in a chair. He asked me to inject him which I did.
Nothing happened and Howard smiled at me and said, "must be all the drugs I take, I'm immune".

The door then opened and our friend Jayne and her daughter Laura came in and started washing up dishes in the sink.

At this point  needed to pee. I left the room and found a wastepaper bin which I started to fill. It got to the top and I still hadn't finished! This was the point I woke from my dream in need of the toilet.



Sunday, 19 March 2017

The child catcher

Standing at a wooden fence to a green field, I was holding a black umbrella that was folded shut.

I looked into the field beyond my and saw a small child running  away from my position, they looked rather panicked.

Just as they reached the far side I pushed the release button on the umbrella and it opened fully. The cover of it flew up into the air, leaving me holding the handle.

I watched as the flying umbrella shot across the field, hovered over the fleeing child and dropped onto it, closing up as did completely engulfing the child.

I ran across the field only to be called and stopped by the guy how used to play old man Steptoe from the 1970s show, Steptoe and Son.

He asked what I was doing and I explained that I was eradicating children. He looked horrified as I pointed the handle of the umbrella at the covered child and it disintegrated into an orange powder. 


Saturday, 18 March 2017

Jungle jam

A very tuneful dream last night that has left me feeling happy and content.

Along with my wife, I was deep in a tropical rain forest, it was hot and sticky and full of animal and bird sounds. We were stood next to a low hanging branch which had a row of small birds on it.

One of the birds was holding a small circular item in its beak which it dropped by my feet.
I picked it up and saw it was a tiny bongo drum.

I placed it at the birds feet and started to tap out a tune on it with two fingers. The little bird started to dance and seemed very happy.

From behind me I heard the sound of trumpets, and looked to see chimpanzees playing them.
One by one, other instruments started to join in.

There was a lion on keyboards, zebras on base and suddenly a group of doctors and nurses arrived and joined the fun.
The row of little birds danced and sang along.

I looked over at the doctors who all had white coats on and stethoscopes around their necks, they were playing xylophones and I noticed a city Street behind them and saw that I was actually in my own back garden.


Saturday, 4 March 2017

Punchy

I woke up angry today. Mainly due to being very angry in my dream. There was a poor unfortunate man in my dream who took the full brunt of my anger.

This guy had done absolutely nothing that I could see to upset me, but this didn't stop me repeatedly punching him in the face.

I must of hit him about 20 times, each punch harder than the last. His face split open and started swelling. Every time I punched him I became even angrier.

It's no wonder I was a little miffed when I got up.


Friday, 3 March 2017

Cricket shooting

Ok so it's been a while and just because I haven't posted, doesn't mean I haven't stopped dreaming.

I was with my good friend Steve and we were both carrying our shotguns casually through a golf course.
None of the golfer's present seemed to notice us as we aimed at various birds and rabbits.

After a while I decided it was impossible to risk shooting for fear of hitting anyone.
We walked into an office building that overlooked the golf course.

On the first floor we opened a very small window and started shooting rabbits with none of our previous care for the occupants of the green.

As we fired, hundreds of rabbits looked up at us, momentarily they stopped eating grass and then just carried on with their food.

The golfers on the other hand were in a blind panic from coming under fire.


Tuesday, 22 March 2016

Frank Spencer contract killer

I know I haven't posted for some time but last nights dream was bizarre to say the least. 

I was 1970's star of Some mothers do have em, Frank Spencer, I was wearing the trademark hat but had replaced the brown Mac with a white doctors coat. Under this I was hiding a shotgun and I was in persuit of my target. He was Graham Garden, one of the Goodies. 

Graham was also in a white doctors coat and when he saw me, he started to run away. I gave chase but being Frank, I fell over and the shotgun went off. Fortunately I manages to shot Graham dead. 
I then entered an old lady's house who was shutting all the doors and windows. 

She looked at me and winked, saying, "Thanks for taking care of Graham for me". There was then a noise coming from the front door. I went to a investigate and carefully open the door. As I did a huge bomb exploded into my face and killed me instantly. 

This was the point I was informed that I was chucking my arms around and making whining sounds by my wife. Well I would if I'd just died. 

 

Sunday, 7 February 2016

Cannabis eggs & white coats

I haven't posted in an age but last nights activity can't go unrecorded. 

Firstly I was with good friends Steve and Kate, they were huddled together on the outside corner of a building. It was the hospital scene from the game, Grand Theft Auto V and they were both eating Cadburys Cream Eggs. 
A large black nurse approached them and they both giggled, Steve handed me an egg and told me they were Cadurys Cannibis Eggs, I sniffed it and it smelt of weed, I laughed. 

It was next a bright sunny day and I was running dressed in my wife's Reindeer onesie, I was running from my old apartment on the Thames View Estate in Barking Essex and in my mind knew I needed to find a white coat. 
I reached a house I didn't recognise, it was on all different levels and the floorboards banged and creaked as I run around searching for the white coat. 

My dad appeared and greeted me, I explained that I needed a white coat and he told me not to worry and to get out of the house immediately. I did this just as dad pushed a button on the wall and the entire house shot up into the air. 

The top floor of the house contained a band playing, two on guitars and one on the drums. The house smashed into a solid ceiling of rock, crushing the top floor into a few inches n height. The band were crushed to death and their blood dripped to the floors below. 

I then stood at a bus stop situated outside of a barbershop. An Asain man in a white coat was attempting to avoid being seen by something within the shop and kept moving and ducking his head. I looked into the window and there was a row of press photographers in a line. 
When I looked, their flashes all went off and blinded me, I stepped away from the glass and the Asian man was smiling at me.  

Lastly I was sat at work in some kind of meeting, chairs were set out in rows like in a school assembly, I was at the back and a few rows ahead I could see Ex England football legend, Alan Shearer. I was trying to get the attention of my work mates sat around him to tell them but no one could hear me. 

I stood up and started chanting, "Shearer, Shearer". He turned and smiled at me and then was mobbed by everyone around him asking for autographs. 

  

Monday, 4 January 2016

Sick bus

I was in the city centre of Peterborough and saw that Cathedral square had been set out with school chairs in rows ready for an assembly. Some of the chairs were already taken and I walked in and out of them looking for my work colleagues but didn't recognise anyone. 

I also notice that I was wearing a suit with a long overcoat on and I kept brushing it to remove the odd hair and bit of fluff. I looked very smart. I walked into a building and entered a toilet, inside there was no actual toilet, just a shower and so I pee'd into that. 

I then looked at the closed door and saw a very large gap on the right side which I could see into the next room. I saw my friend Matt sat watching TV, he was completely naked and sat crossed leged like a child would sit. His back was covered in thick black hair that had grown up over his shoulders and onto his chest. 

I next found myself on a bus and looking around it, again didn't recognise anyone. I was desperate to find someone I knew. The bus stopped in the centre of Peterborough and so I disembarked, as I stepped off the bus I saw Marsha who was wearing a fur coat. 

Happy to see someone I knew I ran at her and hugged her, as I pulled away I saw that she was covered in vomit. She apologised that someone had vomited on her in the bus. I looked down at my immaculate clothes in horror as I now had sick all over me. 

I then went into the shopping centre in order to find a dry cleaners, confident I knew all the shops and where to find one. To my dismay, every shop had changed into one I didn't know, none of them had any names and there was no dry cleaners to be found.  

 

Friday, 1 January 2016

Keira Knightley cannibal

My wife was with another woman that I didn't know and they were watching actress Keira Knightley who was a short distance away laying on the floor. Laying next to Keira was a person, not sure what sex because I could only see their head right next to hers. 

A high powered rifle fired from somewhere and a bullet blew the top of the persons head off, splattering brain matter all over Keira. She didn't flinch or even seem concerned but instead started to pick up parts of brain and began eating it. 

The woman next to my wife asked who the cannibal was and my wife replied, "That's my sister". Then she looked at my wife and they began kissing. Much to my great disappointment I woke up at this point! 

 
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