Saturday, 31 December 2011

Floral hole & Indian phone trick

I begin by going to a house that has a restaurant diner style set up in the kitchen. I'm talking to an unknown woman who is complaining about everyone and everything.
The room is full of other diners and the woman's child is on a table on her own ordering food and talking like an adult despite being a baby. I dreamt about a talking baby the other night, I'm beginning to think they can engage in conversation.
I leave the house having had enough of the woman's moaning.
Her front garden has large holes in it and I skirt around the edge to avoid them, I pull up the corner of the grass and remove the whole lawn just like pulling back a carpet.
It reveals a massive square hole that has a drop of about 20 feet, the walls of the hole are covered in floral wallpaper.
Next I'm walking our dog with my wife and he runs off after a black lab, we run after him passing hundreds of people all of which seem to know our dog and love him. They point out where he is and we are reunited with him.
As we continue to walk an Indian man approaches us and asks me for a friend of mines phone number. As my friend is also Indian, I just assume that the man knows him.
I pull out my phone to discover it has a picture of the Indian man on it. He tells me to try another pocket and I pull out another phone, again with his picture on it.
The man smiles and winks and walks off taking the phones with him.
I think he may have stolen my phone Doh!

Friday, 30 December 2011

4x4, cardboard coffin & high winds

I am crawling on my hands and knees in the street pushing along a toy 4x4 jeep. Every now and then a real full size version of the jeep stops and the driver looks at me. Each time this happens I crawl faster and get away from them.
I'm next in the waiting room of a hospital, it's busy and to pass the time I construct a coffin using cardboard boxes and Sellotape, it's full size and I line it with plastic bags. In my mind I'm making the coffin for my work colleague Derek, who by the way is still alive.
I notice that during my building of Derek's casket everyone has been seen and I'm the only one in the waiting room. I approach the reception desk to find all the nursing staff having a de brief at the end of their shift. I'm abruptly informed that I missed my turn due to my macabre creation.
I'm next at home and in my garden, it is very windy and my dog starts to bark at a tiny miniature dog that is in the corner of my garden. I take it inside and phone the number on its tag. The lady on the phone asks me how long my dog has been missing and just doesn't grasp the fact I have found it. I hang up the phone in frustration.
I look out of the window to see my bed in the middle of my lawn and the wind catching my quilt and it flies off like a kite into the distance, lost forever.
I think I kept the dog.

Thursday, 29 December 2011

Magic orange, tu tu & talking baby

My wife and I are creeping around Newcastle trying to remain undetected. I've never been to the city, so no idea why we were there but after a while it turned into my home town in Essex. We decide to get a room as its getting late but as we walk in, its a police cell!
I'm then in a large factory where Jeremy Clarkson is loading bags of cement on top of me as I lie on a sofa. The bags all have perfect holes in the middle of them so fit over my head. I'm weighed down by them and covered in dust.
I manage to release myself and walk around the factory, I pass an MG sports car that has been sprayed purple, windows and wheels, the lot.
I then hear my work colleague Derek using a megaphone to shout at everyone to go into the canteen for a magic show.
I walk in and the tables are piled high with toilet rolls. I take a seat and wait for the show to start.
I hear the magician announcing himself but can't see him. In front of me is an orange floating in the air and the voice is coming from the fruit.
Slowly the orange expands and morphs into a man in a skin tight orange body suit.
He has no feet, just multi coloured socks dangling where his feet should be. The socks appear to get caught in the wind and are sucked into a small crack in the wall. The orange magic man slowly gets sucked into the wall like a deflating balloon.
Everyone claps and throws toilet rolls at the wall.
Finally I am in the street in a white suit that is not completed and a woman is measuring me and making alterations. With her is a Jack Russell dog that is wearing a pink Tu Tu. The dog is able to walk on its back legs like a ballerina.
The woman also has a tiny baby in a pushchair, the baby is able to talk in an adults voice and hold intellectual conversations with passers by.
No surprise that the talking baby and dancing dog are attracting a large crowd and my Tailor is somewhat distracted.

Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Five finger discount & train fight

Prior to going to sleep I was looking at bedding on the Marks & Spencer web site.
My dream begins with myself and my wife in Marks & Spencer shopping. I decide to award myself a discount of 100% by walking out without paying.
Despite needing a new bed set in my waking hours, in my slumber I leave the store with an upright Hoover and a bag of crisps. I walk past the security door and it doesn't go off, we make our escape onto the London underground.
Just as we get onto a train my wife sits down and a black male sits next to her pushing me out of the way.
My wife politely asks the male if he could move to one of the other empty seats to allow me to sit next to her.
The male, who is American, grumbles but gets up from the seat. As he does he pushes me and I take hold of his arm and bend it behind his back.
Suddenly other black Americans are joining the fight, we are outnumbered but our fellow passengers on the train join our side and a mass brawl erupts.
I did have my sleep interrupted by the alarm this morning so I don't know the outcome of the fight. But I'd say we were holding our own.


Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Animal welfare & shed cave

Myself and once again, my wife feature in this adventure.
We are at a block of flats and are knocking on doors attempting to get a reply.
Finally an elderly man opens his door and we inform him we are there to investigate a compliant of rabbits being chased by dogs.
The old man shows us into his small kitchen where there are ten dogs. We ask the man if any of them have been upsetting rabbits and he tells us that out of the ten dogs, three of them could be responsible. We leave him after issuing him with a warning.
I have no idea what our mission was in this dream but next we are visiting Adam, a work colleague, who is keeping a goat but has no idea how to look after it. We issue him with advise on how to care for it and leave.
At this point I'm walking down the street towards my mums house and appear to have misplaced my wife, that or she has gone off to give more animal related advice.
A small blue coloured mini cooper keeps driving past me, slowing down as it reaches me to observe me. I cannot see the driver.
Next I am in the rear garden of my mums neighbour, but with the occupants of the house from when I am a child.
I am in their small shed which has been transformed into a cave. It has tribal paintings of animals around the walls and on one wall is wood panelling.
I crawl out of the cave through a gap back into my mums garden just as my old neighbour shouts at me to get out of his cave.
I finish by sitting round a table with my wife and an unknown blonde woman and I'm explaining about a guy I was at school with and that I never saw him after leaving education but bumped into him on a Greek holiday, years later. I haven't seen him from our school days and have no idea what John Connelly is doing now.


Monday, 26 December 2011

Nuclear countdown

I have the song 'You've got a friend' by James Taylor in my head today.
This against the background of a scene of espionage and spies.
The dream began with myself pleading with a Russian villain with his finger hovering over a big red button that will start the countdown to a missile launch that will bring on the destruction of the world.
Nothing I say has any influence on him and he pushes the button and the giant digital clock starts to countdown from 12 minutes, followed by a evil dictators laugh with head thrown back and arms raised.
With only 12 minutes to save the World, my wife decides that she can take up this challenge and promptly jumps into the drivers seat of an American yellow taxi and proceeds to drive it up and down the street randomly.
Next she rams the taxi into the back of a London red bus, she then gets out runs to the front of the bus and holds her hands up to stop the bus from progressing further.
The bus driver gets out of his cab to protest against my wife's behaviour and is met with the best right hand uppercut I have ever seen. Such is the force of the blow that the bus driver is lifted off his feet and lands unconscious on the floor.
I proudly congratulate my wife but also indicate that there is now only 4 minutes left before the end of the known World.
She then runs off down the road holding a large knife which she sharpens on the floor as she runs.
Unfortunately I awoke singing aforementioned song at this point and don't know if my wife saved the World.
I'm sure she did, she's normally very reliable.


Sunday, 25 December 2011

Let me write this down

12 hours solid sleep did generate a lot of dreaming.
My usual method to prompt me into recalling my night time brain activity is to make notes on my phone and refer to them the next day.
I was busily dreaming away most if the night and instead of adding notes to my phone I was writing down the dreams as they happened in great detail using a pen and note pad.
Brilliant idea so I thought, if in fact I had been doing that and not dreaming that I was writing them down!
I spent no time lying there thinking about my dreams as I normally do to also aid in remembering them because I had written them down.
Now the question is, was I just dreaming that I was writing them down and that was my dream? Or did I have lots of dreams but didn't recall them because I was under the belief that I had recorded them on paper?
Upshot being, that's all I have from last night.
Merry Christmas

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Assault course public house

My mum, wife and myself are off to York to stay in a very old pub for three days.
We arrive to see that the bar area is full and decide to deposit our luggage in the room and then go back down to eat.
The landlady of the Inn is extremely welcoming and shows us to our accommodation.
The stairs are narrow and the ceiling in places is very low. We bend and twist our way up the three floors, becoming more and more contorted as we ascend.
The landlady drops down into the room we are staying in by climbing trough a tiny gap in the floor. As she falls in the room she turns upside down reviling her knickers, which are red and frilly.
We then all avert our eyes as my elderly mother falls into the room in a most undignified manner but don't offer her any assistance.
Once in the room my mother decides she doesn't like the room and would prefer one on the ground floor!


Friday, 23 December 2011

Age concern

I'm in Romford which is situated in Essex, I have given an old lady some directions on how to get into the city centre.
I am waiting on a bridge expecting to see her as she should have reached there if she has followed my instructions correctly.
I wait for an age and she doesn't show. Her parents turn up and ask me if I've seen her but I explain that she must have got lost. Her parents are in their 50's but I know the old lady is in her 80's. I'm confused.
Next I'm in the bathroom at my mums house talking to my Nan. My Nan is worried about her mum living alone and using the bath on her own. My Nan if she was still alive would be almost 100 years old making her mum about 120.
Again I'm confused.


Thursday, 22 December 2011

Queens visit, cannabis factory & Hoover

I never knew how much preparation is required when the head of state is coming to visit.
I am frantically cleaning my mums house, panicking that it won't be ready in time before she arrives.
Finally I am happy that's it's good enough to present to her majesty and go outside for some air before the royal visit.
It's at this point that whilst checking the woods round the rear of the house that I discover a huge wooden building. My work colleague, Derek arrives and says that it's a security risk and promptly boots the door open.
Inside is the most elaborate cannabis factory, tons of plants growing, piles of the drug piled high ready to be shipped out. Derek is very excited.
We go back round to the street to where we have a van parked and decide to use it to fill with the illegal haul. As I'm getting into the van I hear a woman shouting and swearing walking towards me. I notice its a woman I recently saw on TV that suffers from Tourette's.
I'm next at a public swimming pool with my wife but it's totally full of children and they are annoying us.
We get out of the water and stand waiting to go through the door into the changing rooms. Next to the door is an early style upright vacuum cleaner and I discuss how I'm going to use it to clean the pool out with.
My wife isn't so sure of my plan and gives me a quizzical look.


Wednesday, 21 December 2011

Toilet jigsaw & half a dog

I'm in a house that's rather untidy, dirty and smelly. There are toys scattered everywhere and general rubbish discarded, the walls have graffiti all over them.
There's no one in the house and I'm looking for the toilet. I go upstairs and look out of a bedroom window into the garden to see the occupants of the house all taking part in a television quiz. I continue to look for the toilet.
The last room I look in is the toilet. Inside the pan, floating in the water are those foam letters that kids play in the bath with.
I use the toilet and flush, when the water settles the letters have re arranged into the name - KELLY.
I leave the house and walk down the street to the sound of very loud music emitting from all the other houses. Four teenage girls are sitting in the front garden of one house and giggle as I approach them.
I'm next sitting at home with my puppy. I have a saw and I'm cutting the top part of his head and jaw off. My puppy appears totally happy with this and doesn't make a fuss.
Maximus would like to point out that no animals were harmed in the dreaming of this dream.


Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Bombed London, psychotic man & dad dancing

Making up for last night, I seemed to have dreamt all night.
The journey begins with me in a department store looking at a made up bedroom display. I walk down the stairs only to find they are not real and I become stuck in a very narrow gap. I start to panic and immediately I'm woken by my wife who has been disturbed by my thrashing in the bed.
I return to sleep and next I'm talking to my work colleague Kev and we are in some kind of hotel complex. I need the toilet and Kev directs me to the gents.
The bathroom is a massive room full of urinals, baths and toilets that are not in cubicles but in a line against the wall. People are sitting on the toilets doing their business and appear unconcerned by the lack of privacy.
I on the other hand am not so open with my lavatory activities and leave.
Next I'm walking in London, everywhere is bombed, no building is recognisable, the whole city is a scene of apocalyptic horror.
I'm crawling in and out of the demolished mess trying to find any sign of life. I find a man with a pudding basin style hair cut who hands me £5.
I go on my way happy with my cash and no longer concerned about the end of our capital city.
I turn up in the countryside and a male suddenly attacks me for no reason.
He is a total nutter with psychotic eyes, I'm punching him as hard as I can in the face and he just keeps saying, "Is that all you've got!"
I pull out a can of pepper spray and empty the contents into his face, still he goads me and I smash the tin on his head.
I realise that this is perhaps a fight that I may not win and decide on a tactical retreat.
Next I'm attending a formal dinner party along with my wife at our neighbours house. Everyone is dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns.
We all sit round a very tiny table that is completely devoid of decoration and cutlery. There's too many people to fit around the table and our host seems a little embarrassed by this.
Another guest enters dressed in a shirt and Bermuda shorts. I take him out of the room and have a discreet word and he leaves.
I rejoin the dinner party to find my wife and our neighbour dancing the dad dance in the middle of the room.
I leave them to it and wander around the huge house. I enter a room that has a swimming pool that's over looking stunning views of the Spanish countryside, which is slightly odd as I was in England when I entered the house.
My younger sister is sitting by the pool too, I sit and chat for ages saying how lovely the surroundings are.
I awoke at this point feeling fairly tired I must say.


Monday, 19 December 2011

Its so fluffy part2

If you want to remember your dreams, you have to wake up naturally, without an alarm clock and being awaken by an outside noise or any other disturbance can cause you not to recall your dream.
Must get my wife to change her alarm tone!


Sunday, 18 December 2011

Eminem & my cunning shed car

I begin by being at work walking around a building site that is going to be demolished, it has scaffold around it and warning signs to keep out.
My work mate for the day is rapper Eminem and we are walking the perimeter of the building discussing the best way to bring the building down as apart from being a controversial rap artist, he is also a pyrotechnics expert.
A bus drives past with an attractive blonde female driver, she smiles at my bleach haired companion and I wolf whistle at her thinking it's me she is looking at.
I put my hand into my pocket and crack a chickens egg which I then hold in my cupped palm so that it doesn't spill onto floor, I'm carrying this egg for ages not knowing what to do with it.
It's then home time, we both go into an underground car park where my car is parked. I show Eminem my clever invention for avoiding car parking charges as I have transformed the outer extremities of my vehicle into a garden shed.
As we get into my shed car and leave, Kiss from a rose sung by Seal plays us out of the dream.
I'm still holding the broken egg.


Saturday, 17 December 2011

Christmas face off

I was in such a deep slumber that I actually thought I was going to wake up having not dreamt at all.
This was until I realised I was eating my Christmas dinner. I was happily tucking into my festive treat, the plate contained all the traditional trimmings and I cut myself a chunk of turkey. The meat was slightly dry and a little under cooked.
As I looked down onto the plate I saw that the meal was actually my own face, a sliced cross section of my head with an apple in my mouth like a roasted pig.
I starred in disbelief at having carved a piece of my face off, just as I did this my eyes on the plate suddenly shot open startled. I jumped in shock at looking down / up at myself and opened my own eyes in bed and was released from my dream.
There were Brussels on the plate yes, it's traditional.


Friday, 16 December 2011

Elvis has left the toast

Do do do do, da da da da, that's all I want to say to you. What a stupid song title Sting, what was you thinking? And why is it in my head?!
I'm walking in familiar territory along the streets where I grew up. I'm heading towards a semi detached council house to visit Elvis Presley. And there's you thinking he never visited the UK, well in my world he lives alone on a housing estate in Essex.
I enter the house only to find he has died and been taken away. In the kitchen is some freshly made toast that the so called king of rock n roll had made himself prior to his demise.
Not wishing to waste it and being somewhat hungry I eat it and set off again only to find the streets deep in snow. I see a woman in her front garden who mocks me as I tread carefully through the icy pavement falling to my knees.
I point at her and a spark emits from my finger and shoots an electric shock in her face and ends her mockery.
I continue home to find my younger sister as a child again and she is in the kitchen making cheese on toast, she shares it with me and I tell her all about Elvis dying.
Elvis did actually visit the UK, he landed at Prestwick airport, Scotland, in March 1960 to refuel on his way back from Germany at the end of military service.


Thursday, 15 December 2011

Have you seen this fish?

I start last night by driving my car to an unknown destination, on the radio is Never ever, by All Saints, the start of the song where she talks. Which incidentally happened yesterday whilst awake.
I arrive at a pet shop and start looking in all the fish tanks, the shop owner asks if they can help and I show them a picture of a small fish. I have lost this fish and I am desperate to be reunited with it. I leave the shop disappointed having been informed that my missing fish wouldn't last long out of water.
I then board a coach going to Cambridge but I am a child again and it's a school trip.
The teacher is one if my bosses from work and he pretends to be nice to me but I know, just as in work, he hates me and is desperate to see me fail and would delight in punishing me for the slightest error that I make. He checks my homework but is unable to find fault. The annoyance on his face is clear.
I arrive at my old childhood bedroom, look under the bed to find a dressing up box which I excitedly remove and begin to choose my outfit.
I find a bra which I proceed to put on and roll up a pair of socks to insert as breasts. I look in the mirror and appear to be a girl. I'm in a dress have makeup on and high heels!
It is at this point that I awake from my slumber albeit confused.
Still no sign of the fish.

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

What is your problem square pants?

For the first night in a while I have a song playing over in my head. Today it's Always a woman, by Billy Joel.
Last night started with Spongebob square pants constantly looking at me. Every time I looked up there he was giving me a disapproving glare.
No idea what his problem was, but he clearly had an issue with me.
I was out in the countryside with beautiful rolling hills, it was a sunny crisp spring morning. I was watching my wife pot holing, as I witnessed her descend below the ground I felt a burning sensation in the back of head. I turned around and there was Bob again just glaring at me.
I walked away into the flowing green fields and into a valley and found my wife asleep on the grass.
I bent down to kiss her and there was Sponge pants once again looking from across the field, his eyes burning into mine.
I made my escape wandering for ages across the landscape, I could see the view in the distance blighted by smoke billowing factories, I turned away so that all that I could see was fields and hills.
Once again there he was, his two dimensional yellow figure blocking my view. Those intense piercing eyes burning into my face. I could feel myself being mesmerised by him and just knew I had to avert my gaze.
I awoke at this point thankfully.
Have a look at the cartoons eyes, they are freaky and this is meant for children!


Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Operation Maximus

I slept soundly last night which also means my wife wasn't disturbed too.
I dreamt that I was laying awake on an operating table surrounded by medical staff. All in gowns and masks discussing which procedure they were going to carry out on me. Somewhat worrying in that I was meant to be unconscious but could see everything.
More alarming when they started to cut me open and remove unwanted parts of my intestines.
Surprisingly, I wasn't alarmed and happily watched as my blooded innards were slopped into kidney bowls.
I awoke prior to the operations completion, but I'm sure it all went well.


Monday, 12 December 2011

More bacon, family fights & zombies

This starts with my Son asleep in my mums house. He is an adult now but shows as a boy in the dream. He is shouting down to myself and my sisters in the kitchen demanding a bacon sandwich.
We are all judging his performance and have score cards ready. These have been written on paper with a felt pen.
I then attend along with my sisters, a family gathering at a function room. I start by hugging my relatives and all is good with everyone happy.
The room starts to fill with people to the point where it's crowded and I start to bump into people. A man turns and spits in the face of a female clearly upset at being knocked.
Suddenly the room erupts into violence, aunts and uncles are punching and kicking people in a bloody riot. It's messy and I leave.
I'm next in a city centre, it's new years eve, cold and the streets are full of drunken revellers. The atmosphere is hostile and tense.
Again it erupts in violence with weapons being used, blooded faces and general carnage. I again leave.
Next I arrive at a former house I owned and see that the current owners are in the process of moving in. I help them by walking around the house showing them where everything is. As I take each step a small amount of sand falls out of my right trouser leg depositing a neat pile on their new carpets. I use the toilet only to find its made of cardboard. It leaks all over the floor not surprisingly. I'm asked to leave.
I am next playing a virtual computer game. I am the controller and I am fighting an endless onslaught of zombies. When punched their heads explode and various body parts are filling the room. I continue to fight but I become overwhelmed and start to lose my fight. I'm shouting loudly as I kill them, covered in zombie blood and guts.
This was the point that my long suffering wife decided it was time to wake me before she became a dead zombie!
I really fancy a bacon sandwich.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Swimming for bacon & laundry basket toilet

I start by swimming in a river with my work colleague Adam. It's a wide river with a fast flowing current. It's hard work to swim in and I'm following Adam as he had promised me a bacon sandwich.
We reach the end of the river and walk into a town full of narrow passageways and I'm really tired from my efforts in the water. Adam excitingly tells me to follow him and runs through a very small alleyway out of my sight. I try to enter but I can't fit and become lodged in between the walls. Adam being small had skipped through and left me behind.
Annoyed I turn back and go to my mums house to sleep. I lay in my old childhood bedroom for a while before deciding I need the toilet.
I get up walk onto the landing and see the laundry basket. Deciding that it's too far to descend the stairs I urinate in the basket over the clothes.
I awake in my own room needing the toilet. Bed check complete and dry. Phew.


Saturday, 10 December 2011

Cruise ship Dame Edna, special people & dead boy

Hold tight there's lots from last night.
I am on a cruise ship sitting in the lounge bar being entertained by Dame Edna Everage. With me is Richy who I work with. Dame Edna informs Richy that he is a naughty possum and must have a shirt on in the lounge and I take him to my cabin to lend him one.
I find him a shirt but then notice an elderly gentleman using my bathroom. He just waves hello as he stands there shaving in his boxer shorts. We leave and head back to the lounge but can't get past a large group of people coming towards us. All have learning difficulties and are being taken for a walk by Siobhan, another work colleague who is holding their hands.
I then enter a prison waiting room where I find my deceased dad sitting and he is crying. I comfort him as he tells me that I can visit any time but he can never leave where he is now. I take my dad out for a walk along the river Thames to see the boats and he seems happier.
I am then suddenly in a morgue and I am measuring a dead boy that is laying on the cold slab. He is around 9 years old is wrapped in a white sheet.


Friday, 9 December 2011

Step aside Simon Cowell

I begin by attempting to measure the length of a dog along with the help of my dad. We have a tape measure, I'm holding the animal whilst dad ascertains it's dimentions, this seems to be a reasonable activity to be undertaking.
I move on from canine ruling and i'm next driving a minibus around helping to arrange a work colleagues wedding which is happening in half an hours time. He is ready and dressed in top hat and tails, I on the other hand need to shave, shower and dress.
I go into a very small caravan to prepare myself only to find it crammed full of woman in various states of undress. All are getting ready for the same wedding. It's hard to move and I press past them as I move around the confined area.
I try to find a mirror but Simon Cowell is standing in front of it admiring himself, he is dressed and ready.
I become increasingly agitated at not being able to find a clean towel and ask the women for one as most of them have one wrapped around them.
I'm directed back to the mirror where Simon is still lovingly gazing at himself. I look confused as Simon Cowell is now in a towel.
You'd think he'd have his own dressing room?

Thursday, 8 December 2011

Carry on laughing

Slightly odd in that the main thing I can remember about this dream is that I kept laughing.
I could see myself laying in bed and was just chuckling to myself.
The only visual part of the dream was me chatting to a work colleague called Gary Potter. He was telling me something but he was getting confused regarding the details, so I laughed at him too.
I did wake with the song Stop by Sam Brown echoing round my head.

Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Parking nightmare

Last night I was at home and awaiting the arrival of my family for Christmas, my wife was out too getting some last minute shopping. The house was warm and cosy, fire burning and the homely aroma of food cooking. A perfect festive setting.
That is until the arrival of a huge lorry parking on my driveway. I go outside and protest at the driver who then proceeds to reverse out just as another lorry enters the driveway. I run up to the driver panicking as my families arrival is imminent, but he jumps out of the cab of his lorry and starts to run around the grounds of my house. Just as he does this the police drive in and start to chase the driver. I continue to protest, now directing my annoyance at the police but no one pays any attention and other cars start parking at different angles all over the drive.
One of my cousins arrives and I tell him to go in the house and amuse himself whilst I deal with the ensuing chaos.
This may seem trivial to most, but having things out of uniformed order and not structured is a big thing to some ok!
I also do have a song in my head this morning but I'm struggling to recall it, which is somewhat annoying.


Tuesday, 6 December 2011

Who do you think you are Joe Brown?

Jar of hearts by Cristina Perri echoes in my head this morning, the haunting lyrics playing out last night to accompany popular 1960s rock n roller, Joe Brown as he attempted to win Four in a Bed.
Four in a bed for those of you that haven't experienced this televisual feast, is a Channel 4 programme that puts rival Bed and Breakfast owners against each other to find the best establishment.
Last night Joe was entertaining the other owners at his B & B by singing, cooking and being generally the chirpy cockney he is best known for.
Joe was cooking breakfast in a giant wok in which every ingredient was placed and tossed like a pancake. One of the main ingredients being cabbage, which wasn't going down too well for a breakfast fry up.
Joe despite this was ultra confident that he was going to win the competition and was showing an air of arrogance. He proceeded to serve up the food straight from the wok and was bragging that he was going to win as he did so.
Now I don't know what your views on Joe Brown are, you may not even know who he is. Personally I didn't have any negative views on him prior to this dream, but I do feel now that he is a self assured show off that has used his fame to over inflate his ego.
Sorry Joe but you brought it on yourself.
By the way Joe is not a cockney as he was born in Lincolnshire.


Monday, 5 December 2011

Uphill struggle, fat thief & murdered family

Last nights adventure had scenes of death and mutilation, so if you are easily shocked then I suggest you don't read on and possibly go and do some flower arranging or something.
It started with my good self riding a bicycle around an extremely complex road and cycle system. My bike has no gears and as soon as I hit the slightest incline, stops suddenly and is impossible to peddle.
I keep having to get off and push it. The cycle path leads underground into a station and I see a really obese man looking at a poster. He starts to chat to me but lets slip that he is a professional pick pocket. I make a hasty retreat.
Next I stop my bike at a house where two children are sitting slumped on the doorstep of the property. Both have shotgun wounds to their heads and are long since dead as their skin is pale white and drained of blood.
I enter the house to find the father, he had a similar fatal injury and is laying in a large pool of his own blood.
As I leave I can hear a news report that a female has been seen to jump off a building crashing through a glass ceiling to her death. In my head I make the connection that she is the mother and has brutally killed her entire family before taking her own life.
I then enter a classroom after leaving my bike outside. I have with me a blue coloured square shaped frisbee and proceed to explain that it doesn't fly very well. No wonder really.
Prior to going to bed I watched Beyonce on the TV and awoke with Single Ladies in my head.


Sunday, 4 December 2011

Italian imposter and house clearance

Don't stop me now, I'm having such a good time, I'm having a ball. Ah that Queen classic.

Last night I am at a house that is in dire need of being cleared and re decorated.
it is just full of rubbish, clothes and belongings of the previous occupants that for unknown reasons have left the property and vanished. I'm guessing that due to the current economical climate, they have fallen into rent arrears and done a midnight flit. But that's just an assumption.
I am trying to walk up the stairs upon entering the house which are there as soon as the front door is opened. They lead directly to the top of the house but then I have to crawl through a very small opening to enter the house.

I begin the long task of emptying the rubbish from the house when there is a knock on the door.
I open the front door to be faced with a man who states he is an official from the council. I ask him for his ID but he manages to slip past me into the house. I run after him and again ask for his ID. The man then starts to shout in Italian and I grab him by the scruff of the neck and throw him into the street, yelling to come back when he has the appropriate identification.
A rather sensible informative dream, with a reminder to always check ID of callers to your home.


Saturday, 3 December 2011

Free coffee, angry man & wet bicycle

Shine let it shine. Today's song by Take That, playing in my head this morning from the Maximus internal juke box.
I begin by being on a train platform with my wife at a Starbucks coffee machine. The machine provides a cup containing all the ingredients for a delicious drink minus the water all for 50p. We were able to take the cup out and then the cash needed to be inserted to get the hot water.
Now this was a no brainier really, we took our cups boarded the train and got some boiling water from the buffet free of charge. Simples.
Next I'm knocking on the front door of a house looking for the Uncle of a man to inform him that his nephew has been arrested and is being held at the police station.
I enter the house only to find the nephew sitting in the living room but still talk to the uncle as if he wasn't there.
The nephew starts to shout and gets abusive towards us both. We both tell him to shut up as he isn't really there.
Next I'm taking the nephew to the train station as he has a ticket but has clearly missed his departure as the station is in darkness.
I tell him to sleep on the platform for the arrival of the next train. At which point angry nephew becomes increasingly angry and pulls a knife out on me. Taking exception to this I proceed to punch him in the face to make sure that he is clear of my displeasure.
Finally I'm riding a push bike in the pouring rain attempting to get home. A van drives past me at speed, splashing me. I wave my fist at him and attempt, in vain to chase after the driver. I am peddling with all my might but getting nowhere. Another van drives along side of me and the occupant looks at me and says, "that's somewhat annoying".
I'm not impressed.


Friday, 2 December 2011

Hotel bath & socks

This mornings song playing over and over in my head is, Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want, the one from the John Lewis Christmas advert.
I'm staying in a very nice hotel with my wife but also appear to be sharing the room with a female friend called Lee-Ann.
I state that I require a bath and go into the on suite only to find a male friend called Chris in the bath already. He says that it's a bit cold and needs topping up with hot water.
Slightly shy at sharing the bath I decide that keeping my socks on will protect my modesty and run the hot tap as I undress.
I enter the bath and it starts to spill over the sides as there is no overflow fitted.
Chris gets out and leaves the room to allow me to bathe and my wife and female friend enter the room to watch me.
Then I can't find the shampoo and start to get in a mood, slashing around in my temper. I also am still wearing my socks. Our friend points out that the shampoo is right in front of me and I calm down and wash my hair.
The original version of the song from the advert was performed by The Smiths in 1984.


Thursday, 1 December 2011

Pillow punch intruder & ginger broken nose

A two part dream where I awoke in between and then returned to sleep to dream the second part.
I'm laying in bed not sure if I'm awake or dreaming. I can hear someone knocking at the front door and then my wife's voice saying, "your not coming in".
They then start to bang on my bedroom window. It's this point that I realise for two reasons that I am in a dream, one my wife is currently away. And two, my dog would be barking at an intruder. Or should be.
I lay there increasingly becoming annoyed at my disturbed slumber and get to the point that I am going to sort him out. I walk through the house naked, I open the front door and see a shadowy figure that rushes towards me. Instinctively I step to one side and punch him full in the face as hard as I can twice, so hard that my wrist hurts. Its the point that I am delivering the punches that I awake to find that I am pummelling the pillow on the other side if the bed. The same pillow that my wife's head would have been on had she been home! My wrist actually hurting.
The second part is slightly different in that I am watching it rather than appearing in it.
The setting is an American style 1960s house similar to the one in Happy Days.
Two brothers are talking about the time that one of them opened the door and the other ran into them causing the other to have a broken nose. They laugh and joke about it and open the front door to leave, just as a small ginger haired boy runs in and smashes the same brother in the face, causing his nose to be broken again.
The boy continues to run passed and up the stairs, pausing mid way up to deliver his line of, "that was predictable wasn't it". There is the sound of canned laughter and the camera switches to the audience.
They are all straight faced and also all in black and white.


Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Drug addicts, ghettos and Butlins

This begins with me walking through a deprived Yorkshire town. The street is run down, there is rubbish all around, boarded up windows on the disheveled houses and it's dark, grey and depressing.
I on the other hand have a very large bundle of cash in a plastic bag, I'm dressed in a smart suit and seem very well off.
I enter one of the houses. Inside there are two very large guard dogs that both ignore me as I walk further into the cluttered mess. There is an overwhelming odour of urine.
A man clearly addicted to drugs, enters the room amazed that his dogs let me in.
He shows signs of years of abuse and there is evidence of drug use all around the slum of a house.
I hand him the cash and leave! Glad this was a dream.
I enter another room, which is not in the same house and see a naked female laying on a bed. She is sleeping and I decide to wake her by gently licking and sucking at her nipples which become erect. This section of the dream is over far to quickly for my liking as next I'm entering Butlins holiday village in Skegness!
There is an Easter baby competition which I enter two babies into dressed in pink bunny suits that I have kept in a suitcase. My younger sister is there and is annoyed that I kept the infants in a suitcase, but they seemed happy enough.
I go for a walk around the holiday village and see Mohammed Ali laying on the floor and he is shouting "I float like a butterfly, sting like a bee". It is apparent to me that to get over his debilitating brain disease he lays on the floor and this allows him to be able to function normally.


Tuesday, 29 November 2011

Nothing compares to clothes

Another morning that I have awoken with a song in my head.
Today it is 'nothing compares to you' by Sinead O'Connor. Haven't heard that song in ages but it must be lodged deep in my brains music files under the slightly haunting with a weird singer section.
Last night I was at my mums house and we were preparing to go to a function or wedding of some kind and were getting our clothing ready. When I say we, this was myself and two females that were masquerading as my sisters. I have no idea who they were but they said they were my sisters and I seemed to accept this.
I loaded up one of my imposter siblings arms full of clothes and I was just left carrying a toothbrush. We wandered off down the street like this, not once contemplating using a suitcase or any kind of carrying devise.
We arrive at my place of work and whilst sitting at our desks we are being observed by our supervisor called Matt.
Everyone is whispering to each other saying that Matt is not to be trusted and he will stab you in the back given the chance. Matt sits in his office looking through the glass window and scowls at everyone.
Incidentally Sinead O'Connor is still singing and is campaigning against abuse of children in the Catholic church. She has four children each by a different father. But please don't judge her.


Monday, 28 November 2011

Nakedness, talking lobsters and exploding trolleys

Hold tight this jumps all over the place. Even I had trouble getting to grips with this one.
Initially I'm with a female in my old flat that I lived in when I first left home. I Know her but don't recognise her. My living room has been cleverly transformed into a swimming pool and I enjoy the heated water for a while and then leave.
I'm next on the platform of the underground station near to my mums house. Clearly I'd enjoyed the swimming pool so much that I have neglected to put my clothes on and I'm completely naked strolling down the platform.
At this point I start to develop a condition sometimes referred to as morning glory.
Slightly embarrassed by this I decide my best course of action is to cover up the issue by laying on my front. This seems to work as no one finds it in the slightest bit odd that a naked man is conducting himself in this manner. I get on the train once my problem has subsided and journey to a house where I can see a female inside.
I want to get inside but can't find the door. My mobile phone rings to the tune of 'the boys are back in town' by Thin Lizzy. Upon taking the call I am informed that I have defaulted on a loan and my ex wife is now liable for the payments. I ponder this for a while and laugh. Heartily.
Finally I arrive at a supermarket only to be blocked by an armoured tank. This doesn't cause me many problem as I have a rocket launcher with me and proceed to blow it up, but unfortunately miss and blow up the trolley collection point.
Making haste into the supermarket I start to wander around and find an aquarium of live food for sale.
Lobsters and fish and a duck swimming on top.
I decide to liberate the duck and set him free, saving him from being eaten. The rest of the inhabitants of the tank then want to be freed and jump out of the tank and start to chase me shouting, "save me, save me".
I look back to see a one armed lobster, a fish with legs and a huge mass of black fish eggs all running after me.
This is the point where I awoke somewhat concerned.
I still have that song in my head too.



Sunday, 27 November 2011

Shut that door Frenchy

Another dream in two parts.
Starting off in a cafe I enter and ask for a cup of tea. The lady taking the orders is very chatty and friendly and gets very distracted engaging in conversations with everyone.
Then enters popular light entertainer and one time host of the Generation game in the 1970s, Larry Grayson.
Dressed in a fine suit with waistcoat, hair all styled and looking like the trademark camp presenter he was famous for being. The only difference being it was my work colleague Timmy.
Larry/Timmy asks for a cup of tea and a sandwich and immediately gets his tea, to which I take exception as I still haven't received mine due to the woman's chattering.
She shouts through to the back for the chef to make the sandwich and another work colleague called Terry pops his head out, which has a traditional chefs hat sat upon it.
Terry moans about wasting his skills on making sandwiches and I decide to leave as I still haven't had my tea.
I start to walk down the street towards my mums house and bump into my dearly departed dad. We chat and laugh and continue walking.
Then we notice that two French onion sellers on bikes are taunting us from across the street. They are dressed in stereotypical black and white stripped tops, berets and have a string of onions around their necks.
My dad and I take offence at this and proceed to tip them from their bikes. After a few swift punches to the head we turn them upside down inserting them onto the spiked railings of the library.
With the French taken care of we proceed to chat and wander on our way home.


Saturday, 26 November 2011

Maximus at war

No real substance to last nights dream other than I have woken tired from a full night on the battlefield.
When I say battlefield I am referring to the modern warfare 3 scenes that I have been running around killing people on. But unlike the game I was playing during my waking hours, in my dream I was actually able to aim, shoot and kill lots of people - instead of endlessly being killed by a stream of spotty nerds that spend their entire life sat with a headset on and have disfigured hands in the shape of a games controller.
Unfortunately for my long suffering wife, a night at war for me does affect her sleep which was interrupted somewhat by my battle cries, involuntary muscle spasms and attempts to maim everyone in sight.
She is still in tact although slightly tired.


Friday, 25 November 2011

Junk yard killer robots & mystery package

This starts off in the driveway of a work colleague called Neil. Its just narrow enough to walk past the parked cars that are nose to tail from the street to his house. All the cars are partly dismantled or just a shell. It resembles a junk yard and there are about 15 cars.
There is a package there that Neil asks me to post to Kenya for him and he gives me £20.
I start chatting to Neil and suddenly become aware that the cars are moving and mutating into robots. Both Neil and myself recognise this as somewhat abnormal and decide the best course of action is to run away.
We are chased by the robots across the street and onto the roof of a factory. The roof has a glass window at both ends of it and looking down into the factory we can see the robots inside.
Now they are not transformers or any kind of advanced cyber creature, they are 1960's style TV robots on wheels with flashing eyes and are square and made of silver metal.
Despite their retro look we know we are going to meet our demise should they catch us.
Looking at the grounds of the factory there are more of them looking up at us doing their Peter Crouch dance.
I see an over hanging tree from the next property and we jump on the branches escaping our robotic nightmare.
I'm next at my mums next door neighbours house, minus Neil and I attend to a knock on the door. I'm met by a courier who hands me the same package Neil had asked me to post.
It's at this point I woke, so the mystery of the contents of the package still remains! Doh!


Thursday, 24 November 2011

Electronic takeaway

Once again I am in my old childhood bedroom.
This time with a school friend but we are both adults and I don't recognise him but just know that he is a friend.
Set out along one wall is an elaborate display cabinet packed full of the latest electronic gadgets.
They are all displayed in size and colour order and I am proudly showing them off to my unknown friend.
He offers me a cigarette but I explain that I no longer smoke but I will go and fetch a Chinese takeaway instead.
On the way to the takeaway I see my younger sister, I stop and chat but become aware of a stabbing pain in my back but there is nothing there.
I arrive at the takeaway only to find that they are not open as they have a private function planned. I look through the window at an elaborate mouthwatering presentation of oriental cuisine, I start to dribble saliva down my chin. It's not a pretty sight and a very displeased cook shouts at me to go away.
Just a chicken ball, that's all I wanted. Bad times.


Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Flat caps, phones & motorcycles

The setting is the street where I grew up but I'm not in my old house although I can see it from where I am across the road on the site of my old school. The school being long since demolished.
I'm looking out onto the road and motorbikes are driving passed. It's a damp Grey autumn evening.
I notice one that has broken down but the rider is still riding it along the road pushing it with his feet. He is wearing a flat cap.
My work colleague Craig appears and decides to ring for help to assist the stricken motorcyclist.
There is only an old style dial phone and Craig doesn't know how to use it. I then go on about back in the old days and the very first phones despite not knowing what I'm talking about.
I am then back in my old childhood bedroom and can hear a party in the next bedroom. I can hear a lot of people trying to calm a distressed work colleague called Jo. Jo then comes into my room in tears and I then proceed to tell her about the type of quilt on my bed and the history of quilts again not knowing what I'm on about.
Anyway my uneducated waffling has the desired result and Jo calms down.
Quilts by the way, first called Duvets were first made from down feathers of the Eider duck and are thought to have originated in rural Europe. Hence the name Eiderdown.


Tuesday, 22 November 2011

River of vomit

I, along with my wife am sat part way up a large auditorium that is set in the middle of a city centre. We are waiting for a speaker to entertain us and there is not an empty seat.
I lay on my front and have a little sleep whilst waiting. After a few minutes I look up and an American style fire truck is driving towards me and I sit up as it just misses hitting me.
Just as this happens the speaker starts and immediately says 'can Maximus please join me at the front'. I look around hoping no one knows me and ignore the speaker.
It is at this point that people start to move down from the auditorium, slowly at first with a few gentle nudges as they pass. But then panic starts to set in and people are getting knocked over in the ensuing rush.
At the very top standing on its own is a girl about 10 years old and she is projectile vomiting. Its a virtual river of sick, it's picking up speed as it flows down towards us slashing people, leaving them covered in the child's puke.
The speaker uses the microphone to alert everyone and we manage to run into a shop and watch as the river washes passed with other less unfortunate people being swept away as we look on in horror unable to save them from their sick soaked demise.
Just to dispel the rumour, there were no carrot chunks.


Monday, 21 November 2011

Its so fluffy!

It's so fluffy!
That's all I have. I was asleep and this was being repeatedly shouted over and over.
Turns out it was the alarm on my wife's phone
Bad times


Sunday, 20 November 2011

Phone box bungee

I start by having a leisurely stroll around a country estate with my wife and our dog.
There are huge tree lined paths, sloping hills and it's a fresh autumnal day.
We find a lovely pub and decide to pop in. Once inside we meet the lady of the manor who we rent a small cottage from. We chat and she leaves but forgets her coat and walking cane.
Next I am in a red telephone box with two other guys that I have never met. It's bigger on the inside as all three of us fit comfortably within.
We start to prank call people then decide as the postman is about to deliver a parcel through the phone boxes letterbox, (no I wasn't aware they had letter boxes), that we will set up a trap. We devise an elastic bungee cord in the letterbox so that the parcel pings back at him when inserted.
At this point I'm aware that my arm is being held and I start to pull but I'm met with resistance.
There is a little confusion at this point as I awake and realise that I have my arm around my wife and I pull it from her and slap her arse.
Upon discussions on this matter my wife has no memory of this so it may have still been part of the dream. Maximus would like to state that he is not responsible for any loss injury or damage caused during dream time.


Saturday, 19 November 2011

Transporter 3.5

In this second dream from last nights busy brain activity I am back in the same partly derelict house from the previous dream.
This time it's very straight forward in that i'm about to be killed by the villain from the film Transporter 3.
He has spat a poison dart into the back of my head and I'm feeling slightly wobbly.
I am aware that I only have a short time to act so I use what time I have left to repeatably stab him in the chest and back with a carving knife with a white handle.
As the bad guy sits slumped against the wall bleeding, he looks at me and attempts to speak in true movie fashion. I spoil the plot a little by holding his head up and delivering a expert cut to his wind pipe and ending his bad guy status.
I woke at this point, checked my wife for bleeding and went back to sleep


Will the real Rosemary West please stand up

One of two dreams in the same night, this being the first that I woke up from.
Everything is in cartoon, and I've entered Britain's got talent. My talent being that I can wrestle sharks. This clearly would be ridiculous in normal life given that either me or the shark are going to have breathing difficulties, but in cartoon world, the shark can happily stand on its tail and put up a good fight. Such a good fight in fact that he bites off both my forearms leaving me at severe disadvantage and effectively putting my shark wrestling career to an abrupt end.
I am then no longer a cartoon and I'm in a partly derelict house looking out of the window at Serial killer Rosemary West who is trying to get in the house but I won't let her in. I'm dressed in an orange boiler suit the same as rapper Slim Shady but without the baseball cap and I watch as she eats a handful of sand and then walks off.
Next there is a knock at the door and lots of police enter and arrest me for GBH on Rose West. I'm handcuffed and sit on the bed as the police search the house for evidence of my alleged misdemeanour. ( I'm guessing sand ) It's at this point that the handcuffs fall off my wrists onto the floor as I don't have any hands.


Friday, 18 November 2011

Runner

My shortest dream for some time. I'm simply just running towards myself with a work colleague.
Imagine as if your watching television and you can see yourself moving closer to the screen.
There appears to be no panic, I'm happy enough and don't seem to be running from anything or have any purpose, more of a leisurely saunter.
See I can have normal dreams.


Thursday, 17 November 2011

Killer ex wife

Bit of a nightmare rather than a dream as it involves my ex wife.
She has devised a plan to kill me and anyone else that may stand in her way of my demise. It is set in a very grand stately home that has so many elaborate rooms that she has been able to go about her grisly plan undetected.
She has managed to kidnap me and is watching my every move thus making any of my attempts to summons help futile.
She has stabbed the professor in the west wing dinning hall and he is bound and gagged to a chair slowing bleeding to death.
The professor is actor Richard Griffiths who's picture is below for those who don't know him. In an attempt to alert my friends I leave a coded message in magnetic fridge letters on the kitchen fridge where to find him but it's so well coded no one understands it.
I'm in my car and attempt to text a message but psycho ex is looking at me with evil piercing eyes so I have to stop.
Next I'm free of the evil one and I'm back in my old bedroom at my mums house. I'm sorting out all my property in that I'm removing anything that I don't want my ex to lay claim to in the divorce settlement. I remove a pair of garden edge grass trimmers and say to myself 'the bitch isn't getting those'
Weird as I don't own any grass trimmers but could do with some.


Wednesday, 16 November 2011

Carry on in miniature

Another slightly mixed bag of events from last night.
I begin by being on the inside of a cinema. Not a multi cinema, the old style single screen ones and it's closed. There is a large impatient crowd outside singing 'why are we waiting'. A female opens the double doors and the crowd surge in as I run out in the opposite direction into the street and I'm looking for someone.
I find who I am looking for, it is a perfectly in proportionate female but in miniature. She is about 3 feet tall but has absurdly oversized boobs, is dressed as a whore and has high heels on making her 3 feet 6 inches tall, she has a cigarette out the corner of her mouth.
I give her the options of the 3 films showing which are a love film, a French subtitled film or the new Carry on film, but I tell her to hurry as they are all about to start. Which is odd as there is only one screen. We decide on the carry film and run excitedly into the cinema.
To our disappointment the film contains none of the regular cast and shows an actor on a train which just isn't funny.
I am then outside a house watching some colleagues trying to deal with an ongoing domestic situation. I step in, tell the male in the house to leave and then notice that the two sisters there have a miniature Jack Russell that is the size of a toy. My own Jack Russell is with me, ( normal proportions ) and they play while I convince the sisters to leave the man I had previously sent away and start a lesbian relationship despite being related. ( It's a dream, I can have no morals ).
I then leave with my dog and enter a garden that is enclosed with the netting that surrounds those huge trampolines. The entire garden is a trampoline and myself and my dog start to bounce on it, my dog particularly enjoying the experience as he was shouting 'weeeeee' as he bounced.


Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Flying cats and motorbikes

A bit of a mixed bag of events last night in that it jumped from different events slightly.
First off I'm walking along a road in my home town watching the birds hoping from tree to tree, but some of them are cats and I watch in bemusement at them flying.
I'm then hurtling at full speed on a motorbike, which worries me somewhat as I have never learnt how to master one. This shows on my face and I spend an age hanging on for all I'm worth before being able to stop the machine at a bikers cafe.
The cafe is in darkness and I can hear the owner snoring out the back so I leave.
I'm then find that I'm working in a factory but it's break time.
I'm then back at the hairy bikers cafe and it's rammed. I can't move there are so many people in there and I'm aware that I will never get served in time before having to go back to work.
All in all a fairly normal dream, if you discount the airborne felines.


Monday, 14 November 2011

Howdy cowboy

For last nights slumbered adventure I was transported back to the American wild west.
For those of you that know my identity the people that were participants of the dream, may amuse you slightly, everyone else, it won't have any relevance.
Myself and my work colleague Jim were going to the railroad station to meet someone for work purposes.
I appeared dressed normally but Jim had got the cowboy theme totally wrong and was dressed in a suit, long trench cost and big Hat in the style of Humphrey Bogart from 1930's America, private eye.
We walked into the location through long wet grass and poor ill dressed Jim had a very soggy coat when we arrived and the shine had gone from his highly polished shoes and his trousers turn ups had lost their crease.
Once in the station we found two other work colleagues in the waiting room on the platform. As I looked at Jim he had been replaced by my wife and she thankfully was more suitably dressed.
In the waiting room was an old man. Richy was dressed in the cowboy style of the old saloon drunk, missing teeth, dirty clothes and smelt like he needed a bath. He was making advances towards a lone female teenager in the room that we also work with. She was acting like a stereotypical moody teen and had the attitude to go with it.
Myself and my wife being good Samaritans decide to save said moody child from the whiskey abusing town drunk and take her outside to get on the train. (Big American steam train with the driver wearing the Casey Jones hat) The train is a private hire taxi and we load up into it. Although the driver is an Asian male and the Casey Jones hat doesn't become him.
At this point I decide I really need to urinate and start to use the well equipped taxi urinal fitted in the back seat. It is at this point I awoke in desperate need of the toilet.
Fortunately my bed was dry.


Sunday, 13 November 2011

Road Hog

I'm in my mums living room with a border collie dog which is restless and wants to go out. Myself and my wife then get into my car and take him out for a drive. Not a great deal of exercise involved for the dog but it's a dream, I don't make the rules up.
Driving along a country road I become agitated by a car tailgating and attempting to over and undertake me. My wife tells me to remain calm and ignore it but I become increasingly annoyed at the drivers actions.
The car then undertakes me on the narrow road and as I look left into the passing car I notice that the driver is a pig. A medium sized pink pig which is not clothed.
The car then turned right following a road sign that says 'pigs', I, in my annoyance with having being undertaken by a farmyard animal end up in the right hand lane behind it and have to turn right also, clearly going the wrong way as it was a pigs only right turn.
There does seem a moral to this dream in that remaining calm whilst going about your business will result in you not getting angry and distracted, taking you on a road you don't want to be on in life.
Not sure about the pig?


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