Thursday, 31 May 2012

Rusty woman & door salesman

I initially find myself gliding silently through the streets. I'm seeing rows and rows of houses, all of which have had the doors and windows bricked up.
The whole town is the same and is all very bleak and depressing.

I next find myself walking through a scrap metal yard. Alongside me is a small woman who tells me she must never drink but has recently had half a pint of cider.
As a result of this, she starts to bend double and limps, as she struggles to walk her skin begins to turn to rusty metal. Her face cracks and she gets slower and slower until she stops as she has become solid metal.

Lastly I am inside the back of a shop having a look around. I have the feeling I shouldn't be there and I open a box that is full if small AA batteries.
I start to fill my pockets when there is a knock on the door.
I open it and a fat door to door salesman barges his way in.
The fat man then gives his best sales pitch trying to sell me doors.
I inform him I have my full quota of doors and tell him to leave.

Whilst this is happening a man with very big ears is looking over a fence at me.

Wednesday, 30 May 2012

Shopping dog & roller-coaster ride

I entered a supermarket, something I seem to do a lot of when sleeping.
As I walked around the store I could see a raised platform above my head that ran the entire length of the shop.
Walking along the platform was a Doberman dog, teeth showing and growling at the shoppers.

Next, very briefly I was laying awake whilst bring operated on, that too has happened previously in my dreams.

I was finally not present in this part of he dream but could see a father and son enjoying a roller coaster ride.
Everything they did was being explained by a movie voice over man.
It was like I was watching a film trailer but it was about people doing normal things.

Not a movie I'd pay to see.

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Ventriloquist hard man & snake on a stick

Feeding some sheep in my Nan's garden, I was setting up my camera on a tripod, ahead of me I could see two lads holding baseball bats.
They started to smash a ventriloquists dummy about the head with the bats. The dummy dressed in a tuxedo and top hat, jumps up and proceeds to kick their arses, ninja style.

After knocking out both his assailants, he looked over at me and winked just as the camera took his picture, freezing him in time.

Next I was steering a huge great python snake around a road. The snake was attached by its head with a long stick, the other end I was holding.
I ran around manoeuvring the snake, passing lots of roundabouts. As I turned a corner the snake turned into a stretch limo and skidded out of control.

Lastly I am walking with my mum and dad. There is a vast crowd of people all of which are walking towards us. We keep going against the flow of people.
I have no idea where we were going.

Monday, 28 May 2012


Night shifts over and for the very first time, I have absolutely nothing.

Not saying I didn't dream because I believe everyone does every night.
But with the combined total of around 12 hours sleep in a 3 day period, I appear to have fallen into a coma today having been abruptly woken with a puppy landing on my head.

Usual dream recall techniques were rendered inoperative whilst my brain shut down and I'm even struggling to write this.

Normal service will resume tomorrow.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Ants! Cosmic

As I lay my head on the pillow this morning after another night shift, as usual I fell asleep almost immediately.
Suddenly I could see my feet getting covered in ants.
Millions of swarming ants, covering every inch of me like a black mass that was acceding my legs and engulfing me.
I started to panic and jump up and down and brush them off with my hands but they kept climbing my legs towards my head.

It was this at point that my wife awoke me wondering what was going on.
A brief shake from her and a cry of 'Ants!' from myself and I was released from my torment.

Nothing more occurred during my sleep other than to wake to the song, 'Cosmic girl', by Jamiroquai.

"Cosmic Girl" was the second single from British Acid Jazz band Jamiroquai fronted by Jay Kay, released in November 1996.

He wore odd hats too.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

Just a puppet on a string

The transfer onto working a night shift and a 24 hour stint at being awake has all contributed to a coma like sleep today with nothing going on other than an annoying song in my head.

How very apt that it was the 1967 Eurovision song contest winner, 'Puppet on a string', by Sandie Shaw.

Despite the songs success and subsequent three weeks at the number one slot, Shandie Shaw hated it.

Not so keen having it stuck in my head today either!

Friday, 25 May 2012

Angry cheese & time traveling police

I initially thought that my dreams had been disturbed by the introduction of a much needed electric fan into the bedroom due to the current warm spell we are enjoying. But once I had become accustomed to the sound, it was business as usual.

I started by being confronted by a very angry Edam cheese. He was furious that he had been priced at £30 and believed it was worth a lot more. The Edam had arms, legs and a face. A very irate face at that.
I listened to him ranting for a while and just walked away.

Next I had time travelled using a spaceship to the 1970's, having parked it in a field of a small village. To avoid attention I click a remote which renders the craft invisible.

I walk to the local police station and at the front door I'm met by a man who unlocks the door for me and welcomes me as the new village bobby.
I go inside to find that it's totally run down and in need of a lot of work. One of the cells has rabbits living in it.

The man shows me round and entering a vast room there are hundreds of power conductors with sparks jumping across them which the man tells me supplies the whole villages power.
Looking out the window I can see ducks swimming on a pond.

The average price for Edam is around £28.50 a kg.
If angry cheese was a full wheel of Edam he would be justifiably upset, as these are around 2 kg effectively putting him at half his true value.

I'm more of a cheddar person myself.

Thursday, 24 May 2012

Cruise Ship turd

I have dreamt previously about bring on a cruise ship. On this occasion I'm trying to sleep in my cabin bed but I'm having difficulty as its in the middle of the main dining hall.
Suddenly I need to pooh and as quick as the feeling comes over me I've done it in the bed.

Now in the embarrassing position of needing to dispose of my deposit, I reach down and slip the offending item into my dressing gown pocket.
I get up and start to look for a toilet.

Opening a door I enter a bar that is full of pirates, dressed exactly how I'd expect to see them, with eye patches and wooden legs.
I open another door to see my dog covered in cream, he was licking it off and having a great time.

I finally find myself helping my mum to move house, I am taking down a false ceiling in the bedroom and as I take a fixing out of the wall, the entire ceiling drops to the floor on top of my Nan's head.
I rush to her and hug her crying at having hurt her.
She on the other hand seems only mildly annoyed.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Death balloons & John Craven

Bit of a brief recognition from last nights sleep.
I was firstly among millions of people all being suspended in the sky by a single balloon, we were all holding into to a small birthday type balloon by string that was tied to it.

One by one the balloons start to pop and the person holding it plummets to their death.
After a time I was the only one left alive.

I have no idea if I died as I am next building a house from wood in Egypt being helped by John Craven.
To be fair I am mainly doing the work as John, good at reporting and generally being serious as he is, is rubbish at manual work.

I am finally in the garden of my mums old neighbours who have long since departed. But in slumber I was turning wooden chair legs on a lathe.
They happily assist me until they realise I'm using their chairs!

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

Tortured soul shaddap you face

Modern technology being what it is I was dreaming about watching TV using my mobile phone.
I don't know what the programme was but it was episode 7. I settle down to watch, the scene is a naked man being tortured.
His nipples have been pierced with hooks and chains attached, the chains have been hoisted up to a water pipe above and he is hanging beaten blooded and bruised.

As I continue to watch I get sucked into the phone and into the body of the tortured man. In agony I call for help, looking around the hot, damp cellar type room.
I suddenly begin to get lowered and when I reach the floor my dad is there. He hugs me and comforts me. I become a small boy again.

I woke up to the sound if Joe Dolce singing, 'Shaddap you face' which was basically an Australian pretending to be Italian singing total rubbish.

For those of you fortunate to have missed out on this musical treat from 1980, cut and paste the link below into your browser.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Nuts death & dance

Haven't killed anyone for some time but last night changed that.
I was inside a bird cage being fed nuts by Robert De Niro, he kept dropping them on my head and laughing.
I manage to escape and somehow get hold of a shot gun.

Robert vastly over acts when I fire both barrels into his stomach. After an age performing his death scene, he drops down dead.
People around me start to panic as I start killing randomly, shooting at point blank range, mostly in the heads of my victims.
I find myself on a balcony and stop briefly as Claire from work approaches me and attempts to calm me.
I listen to her for a while contemplating her words and then just shove her off the balcony to her death.

The next section of my dream involves me being at my mums house where a children's party is taking place. I am securing my dog in my car when my mum explains to me that her cream carpets have been ruined by muddy footprints.

Finally I find myself in the underground car park at work.
There is a bunch of new females starting and they have formed a dance group. Justin another work colleague enters with his all male dance group and I explain to him about the new competition.

We both walk and talk into the toilets, I go into a cubicle but find its in such a disgusting state I run out almost vomiting.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

Stray dog & heavy load

Walking away from my Nan's old house, where I spent a lot of my childhood, I discover a stray dog.
My wife is with me and she happens to have a dog lead with her.
The dog is very fluffy and only walks on its back legs.

We stroll with the dog to the vets, which takes a while due to his rear leg hoping.
I walk out of the vets into an open field which is undergoing some construction work. I duck under ladders and scaffolding attempting to reach beyond the grassed area.

With a scene resemblant of a cartoon comedy, a huge metal weight drops from above completely squashing me.
I attempt to shout from beneath but can't be heard.

On the outside of the weight is written one ton.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Role play & flying pallet

I find myself in a school classroom along with lots of work colleagues, some of which I do not know.
The teacher explains that we are not doing any work today but training using role play.
I get really angry at this as I hate role play with a passion.

Next I am in a foreign country, I'm guessing Germany or similar as I enter a vast cave that has wall to wall beer Steins on shelves.
I find my way out into the daylight and pick up a blue wooden pallet.

A shout from behind indicates to me that someone is unhappy I have taken the pallet.
To get away I stand on it and it raises up into the air and I fly on it like a magic carpet.

I land after some time in Portsmouth just as the Titanic sails away into the distance.

Friday, 18 May 2012

Entertainment extravaganza

As on many occasions the setting for the first part of my dream was my mums house.
I'm sitting in the living room watching Harry Hill dancing and singing as he parades through the house followed by an array of giant badgers and other oversized animals to the sound of 'Riverside' by Sidney Samson.

Wishing to join the fun I walk up to a microphone on a stand and start to sing 'Stuck in a moment' by U2. I can see Vernon Kay watching me too.
Suddenly a giant Mickey Mouse pushes me off the mic and takes over.
U2 in a high pitched Squeal is just terrible.

Next I find that I am naked along with a lot of other unclothed people, being held captive in a huge clear tube that is suspended at ceiling height.
Below is an evil little man laughing up at us and feeding us chocolates.

I lastly enter a pub sitting on a office chair on wheels. It is self propelled and I steer it just using the power of thought.
As I pass along the length of the bar I see lots of my dads old friends from years ago.
I reach the end of the bar and find my dad with a wooden box full of old photos. The box incidentally was built by my dad is still at my mums house.

Dad is sorting out pictures and passing them to his friends to show them what they looked like many years before.
I scan the bar recognising all the drinkers and realise that every single person in the pub has been deceased for years.

I try to engage with my dad and the others but no one can see or hear me.

Thursday, 17 May 2012

X rated slumber

Unfortunately my dream was totally x rated and therefore won't be disclosed.
Needless to say, it was thoroughly enjoyable and a welcome break from the usual weirdness of my slumber.

Dreams of fulfilling and intimate sex with a lover or partner are said to be an expression of a loving and intimate relationship.

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Ford E type & supermarket rugby

I own a very modest Ford Focus which has served me well for some years.
Last night as I slept my beloved Focus kept transformed into a red convertible E type Jag. Happy with that.

I was next entering a supermarket where I was greeted by a very hot looking female in her underwear who snogged my face off. Happy with that.

On the wall I see a giant birthday card, the kind that people buy under the illusion that big is better and not a tacky sentiment that most would find offensive.

I then notice a rugby match is taking place in the centre of the supermarket with the posts either end of the store.
I kick a ball, sending it high into the air over the isles, avoiding displays and hanging signs.
The ball lands smack in the centre of the upright posts amid cheers from the shoppers. Happy with that.

I leave the store to find my E type is back as my old Focus. Oh well.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Cheating prostitute & child detective

I don't appear in the initial part of my dream.
It is set in a brothel and a prostitute is awaiting a client. He enters the room in anticipation but wakes remembering little more than walking into the room.
The lady of the night has robbed the man of cash and not supplied any service in return, having used chloroform to knock him out.

The cheating whore takes a shower and is greeted by the madam running the brothel who praises her on her work and takes half the cash as payment.

Next I appear in a dark street that has a police van blocking my path. There is crime scene tape tied from the van to a fence and nothing in the cordoned off area.
I look over the tape and get shouted at by the police officer who is a girl of about ten.

I ask what's gone on and the kid gives me attitude and tells me to move on as it's not my concern.
I'm sure she wouldn't pass the recruitment procedure. I know there's no height restriction anymore, but I'm not convinced.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Racist Ronnies & paper clothes

Having Christmas dinner at my parents house and watching the Two Ronnie's on TV is something I did many times in my youth.
Peeling all the skin off my hands like a glove whilst watching them sing racist chants at a West Ham game is a slightly different festive celebration.

Boarding a bus I scope the upper deck for a free double seat to avoid sitting next to anyone but have to settle with choosing the least weirdest person when there are none available.
The young lad I choose recognises me and explains he works at the pub in my village.

He comments on my suit which when I look is white and made from A4 pieces of paper stapled together.
The lad explains that he is wearing underpants that are made from cash.

When I get off the bus there are two transvestites in bright orange dresses seated in deck chairs at the side of the road. Both have full bushy beards and are smiling at me.

I go into what looks like a school classroom but there are people from work gathering for a briefing.
Derek, one of my old supervisors is there along with most of the people from my old team.

We are chatting and talking about past exploits when in walks Timmy. He appears to have abandoned his work uniform and opted for a new gelled hair style and a purple sparkly dinner jacket.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Horse bed, chocolate & no nuts.

I begin by having a leisurely stole with my dad along the sea front at the holiday resort of Skegness.
As we walk and chat a woman dressed in an elaborate spider costume passes us, she has lots if extra legs protruding from her body and is knocking people as she walks.
A bread delivery van has the rear open and baskets of fresh loafs are stacked high. My dad chooses an uncut tin loaf and walks off without paying for it.
Lorraine from work appears and starts to tell me the half time football results.

Next I'm looking for some sawdust to make up a stable for my wife's horse, Murphy. My nephew, Jimmy is there and offers me a sweet.
Still looking for sawdust which seems to be in short supply I give up my search and make Murphy a human bed, complete with quilt and pillows.

Finally I am in an operating theatre ready to go under the knife. The surgeon decides I don't need an anaesthetic and asks me to hold up my testicles while he cuts them off!
Rather fortunately the surgeon explains he found a tumour, which would have gone otherwise unnoticed.

Minus my nuts I arrive at the corner sweet shop near to my Nan's house only to find it closed.
I can see a woman inside and knock to get her attention. Explaining that I have had my gentiles removed and I need chocolate, the woman feels sorry for me and allows me to enter and choose what I want.

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Burning ghetto & lady moustache

I began by being driven around a less desirable area of Peterborough by my younger sister.
As we drove I noticed that three or four houses had the roofs on fire, residents instead of getting safe from the impending hazard were leaning out of their windows looking up at the flames.

I was giving my sister directions and told her to turn left. She drove past the turning. I told her to take the next left turn. Again she drove past it. This happened another three times. Annoying.

Next I'm in a pub with Timmy who asks the barman for a bacon sandwich and a cup of tea.
While we are waiting I show Timmy a hanging basket I have made for him. He is slightly underwhelmed that I have grown grass in it.

Finally I am looking at a house with my wife with the intention of buying it. She is viewing the front and I look at the back for an area I could grow vegetables.
Upon returning to my wife to inform her I like the garden I find that in the few minutes I was gone, she has managed to grow a full moustache.

She chats away to me as if nothing has happened.
It didn't suit her, maybe the colour was wrong?

Friday, 11 May 2012

Cockney strife & plastic underground pigs

Last night I had a cockney wife that I was desperately trying to get rid off.
She spoke as if she was extra in Eastenders and I wanted a divorce.
We lived in a flat that had no stairs ascending to it but was surrounded by a brick wall that was falling down.

I managed to leave by climbing the precarious boundary to the flat leaving her unable to scale it.
Making good my escape I head for the underground station.

I walk through in complete darkness, arms outstretched in my blind enclosure. A torch light comes on, illuminating my way.
Holding the guiding light is a small pink plastic pig.
As the beam shines ahead of me I can see hundreds of other pink plastic pigs, all of which squeak like a dogs toy as I pass them.

Entering into the station it is rush hour and the mass of people are pushing and hustling for a space on the packed trains.
I start to talk and my voice is boomed out like a megaphone. I cooly inform everyone to chill out, take their time and enjoy the journey.

A calm descends over the gathered many and I smile to myself happy that I have made a difference.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Missing ferret & meeting on ice

As I lay in bed I was aware that two ferrets were asleep under the covers next to my knees.
Taking care not to squash them I carefully turned over and attempted to get up.
As I did this, Lorraine from work is standing there telling me to be mindful of the ferrets.
I pull back the covers to find that only one ferret is curled up sleeping and the other has gone.

I'm next seated around a table at an office meeting along with about six others that I don't know.
The table is in the middle of an ice rink and a game of ice hockey is going on around us.

I am drinking a pint of beer, I gulp and guzzle down the contents of my glass in one and when I finish the glass is full of beer still.
I repeat this and again swallow the beer in one only to find I have a never ending drink.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

Torpedo sidewinder

One of my dreams where I can just hear a song playing all night.
Last night was The sidewinder sleeps tonight by REM, a hit in 1993.

The only other intrusion into my slumber was the sudden and extremely loud warning siren that a torpedo was about to launch.

It was so alarming that I awoke sitting up in bed and shouted, "what the ****".
I honestly thought it was in the room, but safe in the knowledge I don't live on a submarine or remotely near one, I can discount it as having happened within my head.

The REM song lyrics are famously easy to mishear. A 2010 survey found that the chorus line "Call me when you try to wake her" was the most misheard lyric in Britain. The most common mishearing of the chorus line is "Calling Jamaica".

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Hello hello hello & Bon jour

Last night I was a policeman and along with my work colleague Franky Knuckles, we were walking the beat at night.
Suddenly we get an urgent call but are a long way from our patrol car.
We both run as fast as we can to reach the car in able to respond to the call for help.
Just as we reach the car we are informed that the call is for a different area to ours and we have wasted our time and energy.

I'm next helping a woman who is having trouble sleeping. I tell her I will make her fall sound asleep and she will wake rested.
I put my hand over her eyes and whisper into her ear, she starts to resist but I tell her to remain calm.
She falls asleep and is so deep in slumber I am able to slap her face and she doesn't stir.

Lastly I'm waiting for a bus outside my place of work and see Groover in the front car park. He is holding up his remote for his car but can't find his vehicle.
Behind him a cars indicators flash as he holds the remote. I laugh at his stupidity.

My bus arrives and a French woman getting off looks at me and gives me a seductive wink.
I know she was French as she was wearing a stereotypical red beret.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Identical kissing

I start by driving around in a 4x4 that has an open top.
I'm on the look out for wild animals and have a rifle ready just in case of attack.
Fairly confident that I wouldn't need the rifle as I'm cruising around city centre streets.

Next I can see several sets of identical twins, they are all dressed the same as well as looking like a clone of one and other.
They are all standing in line when suddenly some music starts up and they begin to run zig zags and circles around at great speed like a giant game of musical chairs.
The music stops and the twins grab the nearest person to them and have to snog them.
As they do this they all lock lips with their identical sibling, looking as if they are kissing a mirror image.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

Harry Potter & the rainbow garden

The setting last night was an empty room with just a bed in the centre. At one end of the room was a wall of glass looking out into a garden.
Brilliant sunshine lit the room in rays of golden light, cascading over the bed and onto a woman laying beneath a crisp white sheet.

I approach the woman who has been woken by the sun warming her skin.
She doesn't appear concerned at my presence and gives me a welcoming smile.
The female says, 'Hello Harry', and turns her body over in the bed to settle down for more sleep.

I wander over to the window, beyond into the garden is a vast array of colours, all highlighted by the bright sun.
All the colours are wrong, the grass is yellow, the trees are red and the sky is green. It's as if a child has crayoned a colouring book but kept very neatly inside the lines.

As I draw my eyes from the far reaches of the multi coloured garden and back to the glass before my eyes, I focus on my own reflection.
I am Harry Potter!

Saturday, 5 May 2012

Dead man beer dispenser

Initially I am fraudulently arranging an insurance claim. I sit up in my car waiting for a passing motorist and deliberately ram my vehicle into the unsuspecting driver causing enough damage to mine to enable me to get a new car.

Next I go to my old bachelor flat and enter to find two obese men live there. One of them is unfortunately dead and the living man seems only mildly upset.
He offers me a can of beer which I accept. I am totally alarmed when he opens the mouth of the dead man and a can raises up from inside him.
I'm handed the can as another one pops up and replaces it like a dispenser.

It is at this point that I start to panic sensing foul play. As a good citizen I decide to apprehend the fat man and take him to justice.
Unfortunately the oversized murder suspect has other ideas and proceeds to punch me in the head.

I start calling for help as I'm overpowered by my heavyweight assailant but no one comes to my aid and I take a beating.

Next I am sitting in a room nursing my wounds as an array of concerned onlookers ask if I'm ok.
Where were they when I needed them?

Friday, 4 May 2012

Toilet with a view

Bit of a repetitive dream last night.
I was out in the countryside, it was getting dark and was overcast and damp.
I was looking up from the bottom of a steep hill and wanted to get to the summit.
I climb the hill, carefully stepping over small streams and slippery rocks. I reach the top and look out over a vast valley that goes beyond my field of vision. The view is stunning and well worth my efforts in ascending up there.

I then find that I'm at the bottom again, frustrated I endure the same arduous climb to the same amazing view.
Once at the top I again find I'm back at the bottom if the hill. This goes on for an age until I decide I need to pee.

At the top I start to urinate down into the valley below.
My pee shoots out like a high powered hose and disappears far into the distance and out of my view. I keep this up for ages, directing the spray in different directions like an excited child that's discovered a new game.

I awoke needing the toilet!

Thursday, 3 May 2012

Thief Maximus

Last night was spent walking into various shops and offices. Once inside I helped myself to items of value, cash and anything else I fancied.

Every time I went into a property, the people looked on in disbelief at my blatantness at helping myself to their loot.

I ended up with my arms and Pockets full of goodies, so much so that I had to retire from my criminal activities due to being overloaded.

And they say crime doesn't pay.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

I'm a little backwards

I start my nights adventure by celebrating my mother in laws birthday. I choose to do this by laying on top of a dusty wardrobe at my mums house and spelling out happy birthday using magnetic plastic coloured letters and toy cars.
My mother in law ignores my efforts and instead worries about her hours being changed at work.
My friend Pipi arrives and appears to be her Son.

I spend the middle section dreaming about climbing into a loft to find water leaking through holes causing the ceiling to bow under the watery weight.

Finally I am in a car, I am at a dead end and start to reverse as there isn't enough room to turn around.
I keep going backwards and gain speed as I do so, driving for ages.
My vehicle manoeuvring is fantastic and I keep it straight and at a constant speed. Whilst driving I manage to bite my toe nails too.

Only when I turn the car front facing does it go wrong and I realise I can't drive forwards and promptly hit a wall.

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Mother, where are you?

I was driving around the city of Peterborough being followed in her car by my mother. Worrying as she never learnt to drive.
The plan being that she parked up and I would take her home in my car. Why I would when she had her own vehicle, we'll not go into.

Mother parked up on a roundabout, told you she never learnt to drive, I carry on driving as I'm singing away to the 1978 hit from Hot Chocolate, 'I'll put you together again'.
I drive for ages before I remember that I've forgotten mother.

I return to find her in the road walking off the roundabout with a huge queue of traffic behind franticly honking their horns.
Mother seems totally undaunted and continues to take her time.

Errol Brown, front man of Hot Chocolate formed the group in 1969.
In 2003 Brown was appointed a Member of the Order of the British Empire for services to popular music for the United Kingdom.

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