Saturday, 30 June 2012

Wellie bath

I was driving behind a bus on a very long straight road.
Running along side the bus was a boy, he kept attempting to overtake it but every time he tried, oncoming traffic forced him back.

I was next in a living room with very a very high ceiling, I was trying to sleep but the wind outside was smashing against the windows and the noise was horrendous.
I decide to take a bath and walk into the adjoining room and run the tap to fill the bath.

Just as I get and sit down, I notice a pair of very muddy Wellington boots, I remove them, putting them in the sink and lay back in the murky bath water.

I wash my face and upon removing my hands and opening my eyes I see my friend Chris sitting next to the bath. His partner along with my wife are also there.
Chris and his partner are both naked and my wife, who is fully clothed, is washing their backs.

All a little awkward.

Just as I woke this morning I fell out of bed! Doh!

Friday, 29 June 2012

Savoury search

One of those dreams that seems to have taken up the whole of my sleep time last night.
Just the one scene with myself and my wife involved in an endless search for crisps, or potato chips if you are in any other part of the World.

The search was fruitless as I woke whilst we were still looking, having walked miles without finding a single crumb.

Talking of crumbs, it was American, George Crum that inadvertently came up with the potato chip in 1853 in Saratoga Springs, New York.
The story goes that Crum's French Fries were sent back by a diner who didn't like the thickness of them. Crum to get back at the rejection, reportedly cut them ultra thin but the fussy diner loved them and the potato chip was born.

Thursday, 28 June 2012

Devil bashing Dad

I was for unknown reasons evicting a young foreign boy from a first floor flat.
The lad was protesting about it so much and obstructing me, I rolled him up inside a carpet and threw him onto the back of a lorry.

Next I was on the roof of the same flat unfolding a sofa bed. The roof surface was gravel and there was no protection from the elements. The sheet didn't fit!

Next I was watching an appallingly bad talent show being held live in my mums living room.
An American singer was getting booed from the assembled audience and I walk out into the bathroom to escape the torment.

From the small vented grill in the ceiling, the devil shouts out my name and blows flames out from behind the grill towards me.

I turn back into the living room and shout out, 'Dad the devil's breathing flames at me!'
In races my dad armed with the cardboard tube from inside a toilet roll.
The devil continues to breath out flames into the room, dad in between the flames, places the tube against the grill and blows.

As the source of all evil spits out fire he gets it blown back into his face causing him to scream in horror.

My dad looks round at me, tosses the cardboard tube into the air, winking at me as he walks out of the room.
A trial of smoke floats from the grill and I look up at it smiling.

Dads are awesome.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Ghost holiday & pet person

Initially I am in a holiday village with my mum and wife we arrive via boat and disembark straight into a canteen.
A really old woman sits at our table and I ask her what she wants to eat. Her reply is pie and mash.

My mum orders her food and the very overweight female food server smiles at her. I get to order and she totally ignores me, missing me out.
Annoyed I walk outside to see lots of people, I try to talk to them and become increasingly angry as everyone totally ignores me.

I sit on a fence and watch everyone walking past including my mum and wife. The old lady from the canteen approaches me and says I can't be seen as I'm a ghost like her.

Next I an in a house where there is a pet person laying in a dog bed. They are female, naked and skinny.
I have to tell her off because she starts to chew the waste paper basket.

Acting like a naughty dog, her ears drop and she gets into her bed and looks at me with big sad eyes.

Bad girl, in your bed.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Special decorating

Starting off last night I was talking to an old man who was explaining that he along with a friend had been beaten up whilst they were shaving.

I decided to take some details from them to make it look as if I was interested.
Not having any paper I start to write on their shaving razors. I very soon run out of space.

I am next waiting at an empty glass cabinet for some car keys to be returned. I see Nina from my work and I ask her if she has any car keys.
She pulls out of her pocket a key that's about 3 foot long and hands it to me.

Lastly I'm in a bedroom that has been so badly decorated that it looks like a child has done it.
The wallpaper is hanging off, held loosely on with Sellotape and the windows have been painted blue.

I am absolutely slating the room when a female walks in. She clearly has mental health problems and is screaming and waving her arms about delighted at her skills at interior design.

I leave without speaking or making eye contact.

Monday, 25 June 2012

Miniature garden

I spent the entire night tending my garden.
The only difference being was that it was a tiny version the size of my hand in a small bowl.
It had everything that a full scale garden had only in miniature.

I pruned, raked and trimmed content in my mini world for hours.
I even woke, fell back to sleep and continued gardening.

All very relaxing and easy to maintain too.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Old man kid

I was on the top deck of a bus, at the front so I can see where I'm going and so I can pretend to be the diver. Something I used to do as a child.

Ahead of me is another bus being driven by my wife. She is entering the grounds of the A & E department and steers to park the bus in a very small bay.
She reverses and gets so close to my bus that they touch but it's such a soft contact that only I notice.

I next walk past a woman's accessory shop, full of earrings, bags and bracelets.
The staff are saying that an old man has stolen some items. I look around and see an elderly gentleman in a suit. With him is a small child about 5 years old.

The child is a mini version of the old man, he is also dressed in a suit, has grey thinning hair and is pushing a small zimma frame that is on wheels.

The real old man looks at me with an apologetic glance as the mini old man shuffles off dropping ladies accessories as he walks.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Bob Monkhouse's standup soup

I was watching Bob Monkhouse do a standup routine, he had a tux on and was cracking out his usual jokes.

The only difference being was that he was eating a bowl of minestrone soup.
He was also being watched by his Son who Bob wants to follow on his career path.
His Son was explaining that he wanted to be a vice squad cop and Bob was very unhappy at this.

I'm next at a house party, no idea who's party or house but it's going well and I'm having fun.
I have no shoes on and I'm sat watching people enter the house. Each person entering walks over a large white fake fur rug and kicks it as they do so.

I then fall asleep but I'm woken by a small monkey that is whooping in my face. I slap it on the head and it turns off like an alarm clock on snooze.

I lastly walk naked into a shower room wearing just some body armour. I turn on the water and jump into the air, floating I summersault several times before landing.
In walks my Landlord who asks me about some broken and missing tiles.

I explain that it's because of damp and he is happy with this and then shows me a black E Type Jaguar that he says I can have if I know how to repair it.

Not knowing a thing about repairing cars I lie so that I can have the car of my dreams.
Despite it being the wrong colour and a left hand drive.

Friday, 22 June 2012

Shoplifting bear

My adventure begins in the Lincolnshire seaside resort of Skegness. A place I know well.
Or at least I thought I did. As I walk around the shops, nothing looks familiar and I doubt I'm in the right town.

I get into my car convinced that I know how to get to the town centre, I'm so intent on trying to look for a landmark I recognise that I drive through a red light and set a speed camera off simultaneously.
I become annoyed at other drivers who are looking on laughing at me.

I abandon my car and walk into a shop. Sitting on a shelf is a small brown bear. The bear is taking all the packets of Rice Crispies from the display and packing them into a box.

A member of staff is trying to stop the bear from doing this and talking to it in a condescending tone.
The bear just looks sad but continues to take them regardless, most likely not happy at the way he is being spoken to.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Dwarf transvestite

The only recognition of my sleep was seeing a male dwarf dressed in women's clothing.

He had fish net stockings on, a ridiculous blonde wig and white stiletto healed shoes.

He was just sitting on the floor looking down at his feet, possibly contemplating how he was going to walk in such killer heals.

Wednesday, 20 June 2012

Angelina Jolie rescue

I was initially at a house party, I didn't recognise the address. There was a few people from my past there, an old school friend and an old friend of my dads.
As the party goes on everyone present becomes drunk and remaining sober I decide it's time to leave, bored with their drunken antics.

In walks Jayne the cook from a school I worked at briefly. She is carrying a huge cake she has made but she is wearing huge six inch heels and can hardly walk.

I go outside to my car which is completely made from scaffolding poles and is 20 feet high.

Next I can see a car getting washed away in a flooded street. From inside the car I can see a life size cardboard cutout of Angelina Jolie. She is panicking and calling for help.

I dive in get to the car, pull her out and swim to the bank out of the raging torrent.
I'm holding the cardboard Angelina, laying on top of her when her breasts pop out and become real. Not wishing to miss the opportunity gifted before me, I nestle my head into her ample bosom and blow raspberries.

Finally my wife and myself are telling two sets of neighbours off for arguing. We are laying into them letting them know in no uncertain terms how pathetic they all are.
A teenage lad takes hold of my arm and I ram him against a wall and get in his face to express my displeasure at being touched.

On the driveway of the house next door three lads are working on a car. Before my eyes the car turns into a hospital bed.

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Things can only get yellow

I can only recall dreaming just prior to waking this morning.
I could constantly hear the 1994 number one song, 'Things can only get better' by D:ream.

The only visual part of my slumber was seeing Professor Brian Cox OBE, founder member of the group and now TV presenter. Brian was walking in slow motion out of a yellow fog.

My subconscious mind must have placed the song to seeing him or vice versa. But that was all there was to it.

Monday, 18 June 2012

Ray Winston's revenge

Last night I was in the company of some very shady characters. I was hanging around with a bunch of villains that ran a protection racket in the east end of London.

They were telling me that actor Ray Winston was after shutting down their empire and they were hiding from him by driving around in an ice cream van.

I had the villains trust and met up with them all, this time on a narrow boat on the river.
As they all stood on the boat I removed my mask to reveal I was Ray Winston. At the same time I pulled out a shot gun and began to blast them all whilst laughing.

Everything then went to slow motion and I could vividly see the bullets exploding massive holes in their bodies, blood and guts flying across the river turning the river red.

When I stopped shooting, they were all dead and a scene of total carnage remained.
I calmly walk away smiling.

Sunday, 17 June 2012

Spiral race

My good friend Martin was chatting to me last night outside an enormous grain dryer that was very loud. He was telling me all about his crops as the machine whirled and turned the grain.

I woke a couple of times during this part of the dream and could still hear the grain dryer, which was actually the fan in my bedroom which had transpired into my sleep as the dryer.

Next I am riding on a bus, standing by the exit with my finger on the button looking for a place to stop.
I get off and find myself at the bottom of a huge set of spiral stairs.
Also at the bottom is a black woman who has the face of a guinea pig and a boy who thinks he's Jesus.

We begin a race to the top, which for the best part I am way ahead.
As the staircase gets higher it becomes narrower and the ascend gets harder.
I'm in sight of the top and can taste victory when the boy floats past me sliding on the stair rail.

He reaches the top ahead of me smiling down and says, "Told you I was Jesus"
Not impressed.

Saturday, 16 June 2012


Last night I woke up screaming, alarming my wife and myself in the process.

The reason for this was that my head was on fire. I spontaneously combusted, flames were shooting out of the top of my head, engulfing my face. I think screaming is a perfectly acceptable response.

In the next part I was eating some herbal cannabis, which is very chewy by the way.
A really fat man in a red top was running away from me and I knew I had to catch him. I placed my arm into the air with fist clenched and turned into a superhero, flying into the air and giving chase whilst still causally eating the weed.

The final part involves me sitting waiting to use the shower. I'm with my mum and some others I don't know in a house. I'm aware it's morning.

I go outside to make a phone call and try to call my mum. I look down to see my feet are in a puddle and I have no shoes on.

Going back inside my mum asks who I was calling and I tell her I was ringing my mum.
She looked at me confused.

Friday, 15 June 2012


No sleep = no dreams

Sorry about that, a solid few hours in a coma after a night shift, resulted in zero brain activity

Thursday, 14 June 2012

Queen Lobster

Some times as I lay awake in bed I am startled by images in my head that suddenly appear before my eyes.

This happened this morning when I must have just drifted off and a huge lobster presented itself to me.

It was red and when it's legs moved they made a squishy sound.

I also had the 1993 Queen song, 'Living on my own' constantly playing in my head.

Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business.

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Milk float maniac

I thought I was dreaming at first when my wife told there was a bird flapping around her head. This turned out to be true as a young fledgling had flown in through the open window, danced on her head and left again.

My actual dream involved James Marshall from work. He collided into my beloved Ford Focus with a milk float.

Milk floats are lot more sturdy than they appear, as my car was a write off and the float was relatively undamaged.

James in his usual calm laid back approach to most things, just looked at my car, shrugged his shoulders and carried on delivering milk.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Missing bride & naked hangover

I'm back working nights this week which sometimes results in little dream activity. However..........

My wife and myself are in my car parked up in a small village. On the radio is playing 'Hong Kong Garden' the 1978 hit from Siouxsie and the Banshees. The time is exactly 4.15pm.

We are waiting for our friend Leeza to arrive as she is getting married and we are escorting her to the church. Across the road from us is parked an Austin Allegro police car.
After waiting hours we realise Leeza isn't going to show up and we drive off.

Next I am at work and I see Vince who explains that he has lost his belt loop and has taken Liam's as he is never in and won't even notice it missing.

I try to leave the room but my way is totally blocked by lots of really obese naked men all with hangovers.

Thankfully I woke up at this point.

Monday, 11 June 2012

Bring me sunshine

Another dream involving a loft or attic depending on where you come from.

I was in my mums loft examining the beams, one of which has the words World war two carved into it.
I decided that the beam was bowing slightly so I cut a section of it out.
Then deciding that this was somewhat unsafe I decide to leave but do so by climbing on the outside of the house.

The entire exterior of the house is covered in white ceramic tiles, which is an unusual look. When I go into the living room I see an old childhood box game called 'Beat the black ball'.

I'm next watching the TV and Morecambe and Wise are on. I am in fits of laughter as they are both dressed as American college boys and are rollerblading to their signature tune of 'Bring me sunshine'.

I'm lastly walking from my mums house to the shops, I appear to be hungover and smoking. I stagger up the street feeling disgusted with myself.

Beat the black ball was a board game from the 1970's. It was straight forward but fun in the days when children had to use imagination before computers removed that ability.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

E Type smash & Eastenders reunion

I begin by constructing an elaborate metal frame at exactly 8am in the morning.
It's bolted together and is huge when completed. I am in the process of fixing the frame to the wall of my neighbours grade 2 listed home when they come out to see what the noise is about.
Needless to say they are not impressed at the new addition to their house.

I'm next in the street and watch in horror as Chris Boother from work crashes an old works car into the front of my red E Type Jaguar.
Checking the damage, Chris thinks its ok but the front is mangled and beyond repair.

I walk into a Boots the Chemist store and proceed to change the covers on a bed. The female assistant starts to chat to me and just as I finish neatly adjusting the bed, she spills her cup of tea over it.

Lastly I'm watching an episode of the appalling soap opera, Eastenders.
The scene is one of burning streets and looted shops.
Sharon is hiding in a loft and her dad, Den is chatting up a female when he hears a sound above his head.
He investigates and upon opening the loft hatch discovers my younger sister is up there.

They emotionally hug and are happy at being together again.

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Cold hearted killer

I started as I have before by dreaming that I was writing notes about my dream in my phone. A practice that I do as an aid to recalling my nights activity.
After writing for ages, I woke and looked at a blank page on the phone!

I look on as if I'm watching a movie last night.
A woman gets her best friend drunk and calmly cuts her throat all because they were both interested in the same man.
She then places the body in a sack, drives it to a church yard and cooly dumps it in the over grown bushes.

The woman then informs the police that her friend is missing and even turns on the waterworks just for effect.
What a bitch.

Lastly I was in the garden along with Mel who is an odd job man. He is hinting about it being his birthday but I am ignoring that and instead showing him some miniature flowers I have grown in the window of the back door.
I've managed to make them look like a drawing on the glass but they are real.

He doesn't look impressed.

Friday, 8 June 2012

Death climb

I am climbing a very talk building, it has drain pipes and small foot holds and is very precarious, one wrong move and I'd fall.

I know that if I lose my grip and fall I will plummet to my death.
At the top of the building on the roof is a flat that I'm aiming for. Just as I reach the last few feet I hear the sound of an organised raid being carried out on the flat.
The door gets booted in and there is lots of shouting. I hear the cry if, "Stand still customs department".

I reach the top and enter the flat only to find I am in my mums house. As I walk around I notice that every mirror in the place is smashed. Nothing else is damaged and there is no one inside.

Thursday, 7 June 2012

Donkey fight & Famous wedgie

My adventure starts with me at the little corner shop close to my childhood home. It was known locally as Cheap Jacks and sold everything you could ever need.

I'm looking for a piggy bank to buy but I get distracted by a fight in the street.
When I look outside I can see two rival teenage gangs, one gang is at an advantage as they are all riding two legged donkeys.
Charging at the other gang on their mounts, they are quickly chased off and one poor lad is caught and given a beating.

Next I find myself in a working mans club where Johnny Depp is on stage. He asks for an assistant to join him from the audience and my good friend Lee-Ann pops up.
What takes place next can only be described as bizarre as they both take turns in giving each other a wedgie.

Lee-Ann pulls up Johnny's underpants to reaveal huge white bloomers and they both roll around on stage in various states of pain and sporting shocked looks on their faces.

The crowd, myself included look on in a mixture of disbelief and horror transfixed at the so called entertainment.

Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Crow jailbreak & black face

I was in a dark prison cell and could see a crow jumping around in the shadows. I was watching Stan Laurel on the TV and I was laughing hysterically.
The crow very cleverly picked the lock with its beak thus allowing my escape.

I then dream that I'm asleep and that I woke up startled and when I looked in the mirror I saw that I have turned into a black woman. I grab a can of deodorant, hold it to my face and shout, "Turn me back or I'll spray!"
I shut my eyes and when I open them again I have gone back to normal self but my wife has now turned black.
We both start to scream and I wake up for real with a start. Seeing my wife soundly asleep next to me I go back to my slumber.

Lastly I am cleaning the house and my wife walks into the living room carrying a plant in a pot in each hand.
She walks straight at the sofa, hits it full on and is thrown over the back if it with the momentum head over heels.

Subsequently the contents of the pots are smashed and soil and broken plants are strewn all over the carpet.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Plane delay

As I lay in bed drifting off my wife was reading. I had my eyes shut and could feel her tickling my face with a feather.
I looked over at her and she was still reading.

I next watch an aeroplane land on the road narrowly missing traffic.
I am informed that the plane will be delayed and I will have to wait. I am also informed that entertainment will be supplied to help the time pass.

I and others are subjected to an endless array of appalling acts, including jugglers and magic shows.
Just when we think it can't get any worse, a football match is arranged using our jumpers as goalposts.

I chat to an Asian man who says he is getting on the same plane as me and his flight is 8 hours. Odd as mine us only 3 hours.

Finally the cabin crew bring round bacon rolls. Oh the joy at getting some food.
And oh the Dismay at finding they have been smothered in brown sauce!

Everyone knows that it's red sauce with bacon! Bad times.

Monday, 4 June 2012

Underwear assault course & invisible dancer

I started last nights journey with exactly that. I was going somewhere unknown but wandering around train stations trying to get there.
This went on for ages without me ever leaving the train terminals.

The next part sees me in some kind of hostel with rows of bunk beds neatly set out in a room.
Rolling, leaping and using any other means possible to get from one end of the room to the other across the tops of the beds are several females in their underwear.
This is greatly entertaining and I spend a long time watching.

Lastly I'm wandering around some shops, all of which are closing. I open the door to each shop and place a flat cardboard box inside the doorway.
I'm approached by a very attractive woman who places her hip against mine and says, "Your the perfect height for me, let's dance".

Suddenly music starts to play and we begin to perform. I dance like a professional, throwing and twisting the woman around. We are natural together and look as if we have been dancing for years.

It's at this point that I realise that I'm actually dancing on my own and the female isn't there.
I look around to see that a large crowd has gathered to watch the fool dad dancing in the middle of the street to no music.


Sunday, 3 June 2012

Nazis, bus havoc & vomit

I appeared to have been at a meeting of some kind, I was sitting next to Sean, a work colleague, so assumed it was work related.
That was until a swastika dropped down at the back of the stage and everyone greeted it with a Nazi salute.

A lad sitting next to Sean saw that he wasn't saluting and punched him in the head.
Angry at this I handcuff the lad behind his back and proceed to frog march him through the streets towards the nearest police station.
I entered a building to find it was a canteen, I push the lad past everyone saying, "sorry" as I go.
Eventually I reach the police only to be told that they don't want him as his only 14!

Walking along the street I see a car driving on the pavement. I run over to the driver and ask the driver what he thinks he's doing.
The guy starts laughing thinking its funny. This enrages me so I pull him out of the car and beat him.

Finally someone has stolen a red bus and is driving at speed through the night of the city centre.
Again in my do good mode, I take a fire engine and give chase.

Racing through a train crossing I lose site of the bus, rounding a corner I see an amusement arcade with a big hole in the wall.
Entering the building I see the bus has crashed inside and a man is having his ear stitched up by a paramedic, my wife was sitting on top of a fruit machine.

I suddenly start to vomit, emitting a bright yellow bile onto the floor. Then a small neat pile of baked beans, followed again by some more bile.

No carrots though.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

Crisp fight

Last night I was a Grab bag size of cheese and onion flavour crisps.
I had arms and legs and my face was on the packet.
I was my normal size so huge for a packet of savoury snacks.

Inside a room there were two other grab bag packets, one was beef and onion but not totally sure of the second. Both with limbs and able to talk. As I chatted with them two normal size packets of plain crisps wandered into the room. The plain boys were swaggering and giving attitude to us as if they were something special.

Deciding that these plain boys needed to know their place in the hierarchy of the crisp World, i.e. Plain are the bottom of the pile, I set about giving them a beating, watched and encouraged by the other grab bags.

Beaten and submissive the plain crisps hide in the corner whilst I am congratulated by the others.
Unhappy with their place in life the plain boys decide that they will breed and produce a multi pack of crisps in the hope that they will have some flavoured offspring and proceed to mate.

Two points that I've given some thought too regarding their sexual bonding.
One, they were both male and two, even if they did have children, surely they'd just be plain?

Actually three, what are baby crisps called?

Friday, 1 June 2012

Pakistani B&B & OAP crash

I was staying at a Pakistani bed & breakfast and needed a shower.
I walked into a room and found several people laying around the floor sleeping.
A woman pointed to a room to indicate the shower room.
I walked in and found I had to prop the door shut with a mattress whilst I washed because there was no lock. I showered fully clothed too.

Next I was tip toeing in my bedroom trying not to wake my wife.
I picked up some ceramic floor tiles and dropped them causing them to smash. When my wife woke and looked over I pretended I was checking my phone.

Finally I was walking in the school that used to be across the road from my parents house.
I was carrying a yellow pages and my vision was blurry.
I saw a Red Kite swoop down and land a few feet from me. Excited and wishing to tell my dad I ran back towards the house.

As I tried to run I found I was moving in slow motion, in between my mums front gate I could see an old lady and a boy on a bicycle but they were moving at normal speed.

I headed towards the gap between them both but my timing was completely out due to the speed variations of all moving persons and my perception of distance being hampered by my blurry vision.
The resulting dash left me in heap of tangled bicycle, old lady and yellow pages.

I should have risked assessed it first. Lesson learnt.

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