Monday, 31 December 2012

Clint Eastwood saves humanity

I began by sitting in a room being told by a boss called Andy at work that we had won the lottery. Everyone in the room had to vote on what they wanted to buy with the money.
For some odd reason I asked for a round of golf?

I was next walking through some very nice gardens that had water features running throughout them. The water was only about an inch deep and flowing at a gentle pace.
Sitting on top of the water were huge goldfish that could breathe air.

As I watched the fish I heard a massive explosion and looked up to see a giant nuclear mushroom cloud on the horizon.
I ran into a barn and found others had also gone inside to seek shelter, one of which was movie legend, Clint Eastwood.

The barn door swung open and a man entered who was glowing in a radioactive orange colour and shouted, "I have aids!"
With this Clint started to suck in air through his mouth, taking in all the mans glowing disease until he was free of it.

Everyone in the barn clapped and cheered as Clint had saved the World. Clint on the other had was glowing and looking as if he was going to explode. He ran out of the barn and didn't return.
Thanks Clint.

Sunday, 30 December 2012

Round round

I was in my local shop and I'd decided to take up smoking.
Looking at the sweet display I saw one cigarette paper in a clear plastic bag along with a small amount of tobacco priced at 27p.
I took this to the shopkeeper and he laughed at me saying how stupid it was to buy one cigarette paper.

Next I was at the coast on the promenade with my wife. We looked over towards a massive fairground ride that involved a huge swinging platform that people were trying to balance on whilst throwing big shaped blocks into the corresponding shaped holes on a another platform above their heads. A bit like the child's shape sorting block but on a massive scale.

One of the people balancing on the platform was TV presenter Chris Hollins.
As he was throwing an oversized triangle up in the air, the song Round Round by the Sugar Babes playing, a hit in 2002

Looking beyond the shape filled fun I could see the dunes of the beach in the distance and a 4x4 race was taking place.
Suddenly a jeep fell off the track into the crowd squashing a man and killing him.
Chris whilst still throwing shapes up, kicked into presenter mode and started reporting on the tragedy.

Saturday, 29 December 2012

The sweetest deafness

Every now and again a song plays in my head whilst I'm dreaming and I invariably wake with it still playing.
It was and still is, I Get The Sweetest Feeling by Jackie Wilson, a hit in 1968.

Visually I was walking through a city centre at night and approaching everyone that I came across.
I was talking to them but getting totally ignored. I then realised that I was totally deaf and unable to hear the people.
I was however able to hear my own voice as I spoke.

With every passing day
I love you more in everyway
I'm in love to stay
And I wanna say

I get the (Sweetest Feeling)
Baby the sweetest (Sweetest Feeling)
Honey the sweetest (Sweetest Feeling)
Loving you

Friday, 28 December 2012

Invisible hands

I was laying in bed and had no feeling in my arms at all. The rest of my body I could sense but my hands were totally numb.
Sending a signal out from my sleepy brain to my limbs to function, I slowly opened my eyes as my arms moved in front of my face.

I was slightly disturbed to find that I had no hands, just two stumps on the end of both my arms.
Gradually as I started to come around I felt the familiar sensation of pins and needles in my fingers and I realised that I had been dreaming and that the tingling in my hands had transpired as me having no hands in my dream.

I'm fairly sure this had happened before in a dream. Momentarily unnerving to have no hands but all good in the end.

Thursday, 27 December 2012

Can he fix it?

I'd arrived at my mums house with my wife's parents and entered the neighbours house. I was carrying a bag of sand that split open as I went in.
Upon going in the house, it was a kitchen showroom. My in - laws were looking at buying a new kitchen but I wanted to leave. I had to climb through a gap under a work surface between a washing machine to exit the shop.

When I came out the other side I found myself in the rear garden of my old house. My in - laws are there and walking a baby hedgehog on a lead.
They put it into the boot of their car and drive off.

Lastly I was in a bedsit with my dad and we had repaired and re decorated the room. Dad told me that the old carpet was to be removed and it was finished.
I was then back there the following day with Lorraine from work and she was inspecting the work.
I was saying what a great job I had done of the room but upon looking, it wasn't really finished and Lorraine wasn't convinced.

There was a hose pipe hanging from a wall dripping water. Lorraine pointed this out and to fix it, I smashed it with a hammer.
This just made the hose shoot water out at an alarming rate. I put the hose into the sink and said to Lorraine, "There you go, that's fixed".
She wasn't impressed.

Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Russian gangster

I started off by watching a Russian man visiting a female in a very small prison cell.
The door was glass so the guards could watch them.
When no one but me was watching, the Russian man pulled out a knife and stabbed the woman. He shouted out and managed to convince the guards that the woman had pulled out the knife and she was stabbed in the struggle to protect himself.

I next find myself along with my wife as prosecution lawyers in court, but the court is a water pump room and we are on a platform above the water filled room.
The defence lawyer is a woman and her client is the same Russian man that stabbed the female in prison.

The defence lawyer suddenly states that she wants to marry the Russian and my wife shouts that the trial must stop as there is a conflict of interests.
With this the Russian hugs the lawyer and then throws her into the water below.
We quickly turn a big wheel and the room starts to empty if water.

As the water empties a deep booming god like voice shouts out, "Why are you emptying the water?!"
As the last of the water drains away the lawyer is saved from drowning. The Russian in all the panic has escaped.

I turn the wheel again to begin re filling the room. As I look at a TV screen it shows thousands of £20 notes being burnt to power the water pump.

Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Shark girl

I started off by being at work at I was attempting to log onto the computer system to show that I was on duty.
I began to get angry as when I tried to book myself on duty a video of a wildlife programme kept playing on the screen.

As I continually attempted to log on, Kyle came over and started laughing at my frustration.
I grabbed hold of him around the throat and slammed him on the floor. He stopped laughing.

I was next staying at a very big house on holiday. There were lots of other people there in different rooms. But I didn't know any of them.
I went diving and started to pull up a gigantic dead shark to the surface.
Upon reaching dry land I removed a dead young girl in a black dress from the belly of the shark and laid her on my bed.

I went to tell the others what I had found and discovered that one of the other guests, a girl, was wearing the black dress from the dead girl.
I rushed back to my room and the deceased girl was naked, her body was blackened and bruised.

Lastly I was in a room that had around 10 people in it and they were standing in a circle. One of them I recognised as an old friend that I haven't seen for about 20 years.
Every so often everyone rotated clockwise so that a different person was in front of me.
When the old friend reached me, he looked at me and informed me that he had defecated himself!

Monday, 24 December 2012

Bouncing van

I approached a transit van that had a work colleague called Fi in the drivers seat.
She smiled at me but refused to talk.
I asked why she was silent but she just continued to grin at me.

I watched as she drove away from me and the van started to lift off the ground and bounced in the air.
Gathering height as it bounced, the van vanished into sky and I was left standing scratching my head.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Tumbleweed effect

I appear for the first time in ages, to have not dreamt anything.
I put the blame firmly on working night shifts and falling into a coma in the mornings.
Normal service should be resumed tomorrow.

Saturday, 22 December 2012


As I laid my weary head on the pillow this morning after a long night shift, I started mumbling away as reported by my wife.
There is nothing I can recall other than a red squirrel jumping around and startling me.

I opened my eyes to check that it wasn't in the room, happy I was in a squirrel free zone I fell into a coma.

Friday, 21 December 2012

Curse of the monkey skull

I began last night by presenting four wanted criminals to a high court judge. I gave his honour a newspaper with the four fugitives set out in a TV guide, each with their own programme.
The judge excepted the newspaper and then ignored me. Trying to leave the court I had to exit by climbing over book shelves.
As I reached the top of the units, I knocked boxes off the dust covered shelves. I descended to the other side and a pair of old pants hit me in the head.

Next I entered a boat to the sound of 'Wherever I lay my hat', by Paul Young, a hit in 1983. The boat was my house and I had entrusted two 16 year old boys to redecorate it for me.
I walked around with them showing them what I wanted doing and I introduced them to my nan.
I gave strict instructions that my nan was not allowed in the electric mobility scooter as she was a menace in it.

We opened a door and was met by a floating monkey skull. It was black with scales all over it and it howled as it moved towards us. The boys screamed and ran off never to be seen again.
I looked over at my nan and she gave me a cheeky smile and laughed.

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Game show shark

I was walking towards Becontree station which is on the district line of the London Underground. As I approached it, everyone passing me was in fancy dress. Two guys dressed as Beetlejuice ran by but their arms and legs were twice as long as normal.
There was a group of drunk men in football shirts and two women dressed in checked shirts and comfortable shoes with short hair and I assumed they were either Lesbians or had deliberately dressed like that.
I reached the station and ran onto the platform as the train pulled in. It didn't stop and I had to run and jump onto it.

I'm next watching a rubbish Christmas movie at my mums house with my younger sister. To avoid watching it further I repeatedly bang my head on the wall and fall unconscious. As I hit the floor my hand opens revealing a 10p coin.
Laying out cold and bleeding, my sister steals the coin from me.

Lastly I am observing a game show. The object of the game is unclear but there is a house floating on a lake that contains a shark. Also floating on the lake on a little island are a group of contestants having a BBQ.
An unknown woman along with rap star Eminem are shooting water jets and manage to knock the contestants off as well as distinguishing their BBQ.

I then come out of the floating house which is now on dry land and see my friend Siobhan, she is dressed very elegantly in a long dress but has socks and trainers on. I point and laugh at her.
I go back into the house realising that I don't have any underwear on.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Gospel dog pooh

I was in a huge old barn and it had been converted into an assault course. I was swinging from the beams and hanging on ropes.
When I landed in the floor I was in my mums front garden. I started to wash my car that was parked on the lawn but noticed there was a lot of dog pooh around.
I began to clear up the mess, scooping it all into a plastic bag and singing gospel songs as I did so. After a few Hallelujah's and praise the Lord's, the mess was gone and I got on cleaning my car.

Next in my mums living room along with Shaz from work I was attempting to ring for a taxi, despite having my car outside?
I tried to find a number on my i phone but it kept sending me to the wrong web sites.
Shaz was getting frustrated and started to dial on the house phone.
It was the real old style phones that had a dial on it but when I looked at it, it was a cup of tea and Shaz had his fingers in.

An Asian man appeared from nowhere and offered to sell us a brand new stolen i phone for £320.
Shaz bought one.

Tuesday, 18 December 2012

Italian roll up

I was on a railway platform with my dad. Also standing there was an Italian man shouting about trying his hand rolled tobacco.
We approached him and he was confident that no one would know how to roll up a cigarette.
My dad having been a well traveled man, took the tobacco and papers and expertly rolled a cigarette. Impressed the man gave my dad his tobacco.

Next I was trying to make a phone call reading a number from a piece of paper and a boy band were singing next to me.
I walked away and into a men's changing room.
Inside a man and woman were standing on a table measuring the length of the lockers.
Ignoring them I stared at my reflection in the mirror, placing my shaving equipment down. Rubbing my chin I decided I didn't need a shave. The couple were talking about converting the room for an old lady to live in.
I opened my eyes and found myself awake in bed and slightly late getting up.
Oh well.

Monday, 17 December 2012

Top gun

I was charging my phone but hiding it and the cable to that it couldn't be found. I walked up some steps and found that I was at sea on a boat.
My mother in law was there and told me she wanted an i pod and wanted to go on a child's swing too.
I rinsed out an empty rice pudding tin in the sea and it turned from ocean blue to a dirty brown colour.

Next I was in a school hall sat at a table when I was informed by a man I didn't know that I had passed my exam at work and got top marks making me eligible for a high potential promotional scheme.
I was sitting there in shock when Justin from work approached me. I told him my news and he pointed his fingers at me, winked and said, "Your the top gun".

Looking up I saw two small boys fist fighting in the corridor.
Running out and separating them I marched them to the headmasters office.
I handed over the boys to a vicar and left.

Sunday, 16 December 2012


As I drifted off to sleep I was watching some baked beans being poured over toast.
The beans started to spill over and eventually they began to pour over my head. I shouted out alarming myself and wife in the process.

I was then walking towards some farm machinery and crawling under it I emerged in Ireland.
Wandering around the idilic countryside I began to sense some hostility towards me from the locals.
I started to run as an angry mob chased me out of town.
Looking back I could see that the mob was headed by actress Julie Goodyear who played Bet Lynch in the soap opera Coronation street.
Bet was waving a large knife at me and not wishing to get caught I ran back to the farm machinery where I had entered.

As I approached it comedian Sean Lock was there holding it up for me to crawl back under. He smiled at me as I safely escaped the angry mob.

Appearing safely on the other side, Sean handed me a potted plant and explained that I needed to give it to Dennis the Menace.
Looking up ahead of me I could see the cartoon character eagerly waiting my arrival.

Saturday, 15 December 2012

DIY Dave

Rather oddly I spent what seemed like the entire night putting together bedroom furniture.
Along with Dave, who ever he is, we painstakingly assembled a set wardrobes, wooden bed and cabinets.
This all took place in the back bedroom at my mums house.
It looked amazing when we had finished and I woke with a proud sense of completion.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Naked roof gardener

I began last night by being delicately perched on the roof of my mums house. All the tiles were missing and I was holding on to the beams. Growing up out of the attic were lots of weeds that had intertwined the beams and pushed off the roof tiles.
I balanced holding on with one hand whilst trying to pull up all of the weeds. I was totally naked whilst doing this.

I next was in a street, it was dark and raining. I tied a rope around a large tree in a front garden and pulled it down to the floor snapping it at its base.
I then put on a crash helmet, climbed onto a motorcycle and dragged the tree to my mums neighbours house.
Once in the house I placed the tree onto their gas fire and set fire to it.
Apart from the crash helmet I was still naked!

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Purple spoons & pound coins

Starting off I was at my Nan's old house with my nan and my mum.
I entered the kitchen just as a young lad was walking out having borrowed a set of spoons.
As I looked at them in his hand I noticed they were my best set with the purple handles.
I started to protest to my nan that they mustn't leave the house but the lad kept walking out smiling.

Next I was following a young boy who I suspected of being a drug dealer. He was only about 8 but I was sure he was up to no good.
I tracked him into an elevator and standing next to him as it ascended, I glanced down at his pocket and could see a packet of white powder sticking out.
The boy noticed me looking and knowing I was rumbled I acted quickly by grabbing the boy by the throat with one hand and putting a pistol to his head.
I expertly dispatched one shot cleanly through his skull killing him instantly.

Lastly I was laying in bed and looking around the bedroom, I turned to my wife and said, "How many pound coins do you think it would take to fill this room?"
"A lot" was the reply.

Wednesday, 12 December 2012


In 1985 ex 10cc band members Godley and Creme brought out a ground breaking video to their song, 'Cry' which had people's faces blending into each others.
Last night I had a secession of faces doing the same but to the 1979 Abba hit, Voulez-vous.

Laughter and sadness followed as I am in the street and a very tall slim sexy looking woman is hanging out her washing. I watch as she removes her coat to reveal a bikini.
She sits in a deck chair and cuts her wrist with a knife. The blood flows dripping through the fabric of the chair forming a large puddle underneath.

In contrast I was lastly sat at a table in a pub with two other guys I'd never met before. As we chatted I kept finishing one of the guys words before he could.
We all three were in fits of laughter and I woke up smiling.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

I'm lost Mrs Brown.

Starting off in a cake shop, Mark from work excitingly runs out as I enter.
Sitting at a table next to the glass cake display is a work supervisor called Luke. Luke points at a solitary Belgium bun and says its only 2p.
Licking my lips at my favourite cake I approach the display only for my wife to shout out that Mark had run out to get 2p as he wanted the cake.
I reluctantly leave it for Mark.

Next I'm pushing a child's buggy along a dark street at night. In the buggy is a doll but under the seat is a small girl curled up in a ball. As I push the buggy she scrapes on the floor.
I pick her up and we get into my car with me in the passenger seat. The girl, who is about 4 drives my car through London streets skilfully negotiating flooded roads.

We reach a department store and enter it walking through crowds of people. In a doorway is the TV character Mrs Brown. As we pass her I inform her we are lost. She just laughs.
Going into the room there is a very pale sickly looking boy in a bed.
A Chinese man passes us, opens a cupboard under a sink and gets in closing the door behind him.

After he doesn't come out I open the cupboard and discover a vast network of tunnels. I ponder whether I should follow but wake up before I make a decision.

Monday, 10 December 2012

Virtual Maintenance

An odd sequence of events to say the least last night.
Starting off I was sorting through my tool box for a claw hammer when Az from work came in the room.
I took out a screwdriver and proceeded to undo four screws from the four corners of his head.
As I removed the last one, his face fell off like a plastic mask.

Next I was in my mums kitchen along with my departed dad next to the fridge. I was climbing the appliance to clean the top of it under my dads supervision.
On top of the dust covered fridge I found various old coins and keys.
Looking down I saw a Pakistani man walk past dressed in a onesie.
Dad was shouting out about the prime minister ruining the country but was going on about Margret Thatcher.

Lastly entering a luxury apartment block that was in the final stages of completion, I was checking the rooms out.
I opened a cupboard and a plastic disc shaped object with arms on it floated off the rail and around my head.

It attached itself to my face using the arms and the disc became a screen. I was then in a virtual reality game where my body was the controller.
I was driving a fast car along a deserted golden beach, it was so life like.
I pulled the disc off my face and found myself on the beach!

Sunday, 9 December 2012

The Fonz is not cool

A blast from the past with a visit from the Fonz from Happy Days.
Although he was far from cool as he was a gangland boss and was walking around ordering the executions of random people that he took a dislike too. His henchmen shot them on demand.

I next entered my mums house but is was brand new and no one had moved in yet. As I walked in I had a mouthful of multi coloured pills. I saw my younger sister who was a child.
I couldn't talk to her as I needed to get rid of the illegal stash of drugs in my mouth.
I went into the bathroom, spat them into my hand and hid them behind the toilet cistern.

Lastly I entered the office of an old boss called Paul. He was an excellent guy to work for and I was pleased to see him.
Paul gave me sound advice and told me that if I didn't understand the political situation at work I shouldn't rock the boat.

Happy with this advice I sat on a small children's ride in the corner of his office.
It was a mini carousel with cars and trains on it. I sat in a boat and happily span around with lights flashing and Bells ringing.
Ah the simple things in life are the best.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

Back to the future

I was dreaming that I was on an old London red bus. Not particularly odd in itself but as I looked out of the window, time was reversing.

My supervisor from work, Mike was talking to me but I stopped him to point out that we were traveling back in time.
Mike appeared updaunted by this and continued chatting.
I got off the bus and could see our guinea pigs hutch, it was empty and clean and new. In my mind I thought that because of the time travelling, that they hadn't been. born yet.

I continued walking and I held out my hands in front of my face but they were totally numb.
I stared at them concerned by this and it was at this point that I woke with my hands in front of me with them tingling with pins and needles.

Most people have temporary pins and needles from time to time. (Paresthesias).
It happens when pressure is applied to a part of the body which cuts off the blood supply to the nerves in that area. This prevents the nerves from sending important signals to the brain.

Friday, 7 December 2012


Can't recall anything other than trying to fix a UPVC door back into its frame.
As I was doing this George from work was doing the exact same with another door.

We both had orange cordless drills and were reconstructing the doors and both managed to close the completed doors at the same time.

As we walked away congratulating each other on our DIY skills I saw that there was writing all over the door I had fixed.
When I looked at it closer, it was a drawing of a fish with the word fish written hundreds of times, completely covering the surface of it.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

One sheet does plently

I was outside in the open air, situated somewhere close to open fields.
A female was standing next to me and she started to shout and generally panic that there was a bomb.
She ran off down a grassy slope and I followed her as she descended still screaming.
As we reached the bottom of the incline, a cardboard box appeared at the woman's feet and exploded. She vanished.

I then ran back up the slope holding my arms aloft and trailing a bed sheet flowing in the wind behind me like a jubilant Olympic athlete with a flag.
When I reached the top I was high above a city and I jumped off the edge flying in the air with my sheet as a parachute.

I drifted for miles, slowing panning across the city. I looked to my right and saw a man also floating in the air.
I calmly said to him, "Hello John".
No idea if that was his name but John just smiled at me without speaking and we continued to fly.
I was still drifting when I awoke.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Take that and sleep.

Due to massive sleep deprivation the previous day following my night shift, I placed my head on the pillow this morning and progressed into what can only be described as a coma.
Unable to recall anything from my slumber I awoke as often is the case, with just a song playing over in my head.

The 1992 hit song, 'A million love songs' by Take That is all I have today and it continues to play as I progress further into my day.

Written by Gary Barlow at the age of 15, it was released as the sixth single from their debut album, Take That and Party, peaking at number 7 in the UK Singles Chart.

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Drunken underpants

A week of night shifts, so just a brief scene as I woke today.
I got sent to sort out a domestic disturbance in a house of Lithuanians. I knocked on a bedroom door and a drunken man and woman opened it and the sound of 'Tomorrow' from the musical Annie belted out from inside the room.

I was attempting to ask them to turn it down but my negotiation skills and lack of Lithuanian as my native tongue was hampering things.
The door opposite swung open and another drunk Lithuanian man in just a pair of dirty white Y fronts started to shout his displeasure at being woken by the music.

Clearly getting nowhere with making myself heard or understood I left leaving the three fighting in the hallway to the background of the classic west end show.

Monday, 3 December 2012

Mars in my sock

I was outside of a newsagents and Vince from work asked me to buy him some rolling tobacco and gave me £3.
I entered the shop and found that there was a large TV screen directly in the way, I had to duck under it and then through some metal turnstiles.
Struggling to reach the counter I asked for the tobacco and three Mars chocolate bars.
Knowing that it was Vince's money I hid the Mars bars down my socks to avoid him detecting them.

I was next making an egg sandwich and a cup of tea for four people but I was on my own.
I then walked from the kitchen into my mums living room to find my neighbours sat on the sofa. They were on the phone attempting to arrange a taxi home but wanted to pay £6.50 and not the £19 quoted to them.
The 100 mile journey would be a bargain even at £19 but they were not budging.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Sorry Marilyn I'm taken

I've noticed that I appear on building sites often when dreaming. Must be a connection somewhere.
As I walked around I could see a man in a wheelchair at the site perimeter and he was going mental that there was no disabled access. Eventually he was arrested for causing a disturbance.

I went into a toilet cubicle and when I sat on the toilet I noticed that I was out in the open building site for all to see!
Standing watching me was Marilyn Monroe.
Quickly attempting to cover my embarrassment, I walk away and the building site turns into a fare ground.
Marilyn asks me to take her out on a date but I tell her I'm married and she then walks off with another man!

I next find myself flying through the air. I'm holding a Goldfinch and pretending its a model plane like a child. I even make the sounds.
I fly into a house through an upstairs window and land on a bed, throwing the poor bird on the mattress, which can't adjust fast enough and bounces off the bed into the wall!

I am lastly talking to a teenage girl in a living room. She has amazing big green eyes. She is telling me about her parents arguing when her dad enters the room, shows me his name tattooed on his neck and leaves.
Two lads in baseball caps walk in and I think I've seen them before but can't recall where.
The girl is still telling me about her parents when the lads leave and I shout after them, "Twist & Pulse"!

Twist and Pulse are an English street dance duo based in London. They are best known for being the runners-up of the fourth series of Britain's Got Talent in 2010, famously coming in second to Spelbound in the live final

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Limbo home

Sometimes I'm so tired that my brain completely shuts down in a coma like state. This was the case last night as my head hit the pillow and I had a dream just prior to waking.

I was leaving work and the steps down into the car park had some work being carried out on them.
The hand rails had been moved so that they were now horizontally at different heights becoming lower as I descended. The first few I was able to duck under but the last ones were so low I decided to limbo under them when I could have actually stepped over!

In the car park was one of my supervisors, Jim who started to ramble on about the complexities of limbo dancing. I ignored him and went home only to find that I'd arrived on the Caribbean island of Jamaica.

I have also woken with the tune 'Sweet talking woman' in my head. The 1978 hit from the superb ELO.

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