Monday, 30 September 2013

Think twice

Don't say what your about to say
Look back before you leave my life
Be sure before you close that door
Before you roll those dice
Baby think twice. 

I have woken with the 1994 hit from Celine Dion, 'Think Twice', invading my head. 

Rather annoyingly as is always the case, it's stuck playing on a perminate loop and won't go away! 


Sunday, 29 September 2013

General stone

I was in a house that was surrounded by angry protesters. I was standing in the living room looking out of a wall of windows that were all about a foot square in size. 

Along with me were a man and a woman. The woman was sitting at a desk and the man had his face on a pane of glass looking outside. 
I told the man to come away from the window as the crowd outside were very hostile. 
Just as the man moved away from the glass, a stone smashed through the exact pane he had just been at. 

I moved away into the adjoining room which was a kitchen. Standing in the doorway between the two rooms I picked up the stone and threw it back at the window, smashing another pane. Faces were pressed against the glass from outside but they were frozen and unmoving. 

When I turned into the kitchen there was a black army General who looked very much like former Ugandain president Idi Amin. 
He was shouting very excitedly about what was going on outside and was high fiving everyone in the room. 



Saturday, 28 September 2013

The blob

With the combination of a weiry head, freshly laundered sheets and a hot shower, I passed out completely upon hitting the pillow. 

The only thing I saw, which was just prior to waking was a black circular blob. It was floating in the air and the edges of it were moving and changing shape. 

As I stared at the blob, it very briefly resembled a cat and then shifted again and reverted back to a dark unrecognisable mass. 


Friday, 27 September 2013

Richard III you dummy

I was at some kind of castle grounds or historical site. There were a few ruined buildings and some sloping grassed areas surrounding them. 

I was in charge of a display about former British Monach, Richard III. It was a rather poor effort in that I had a shop manakin dressed in a robe wearing a crown. The resemblance stopped there. 

I was told that it was rubbish and that I had to remove the display in order for a new one to be put in. Not happy with this I showed my displeasure by putting a noose around my dummy kings neck and hanging him from the castle wall. 

I was next at my mums house, the back door was open and it was a sunny day. 
A table was placed so that it was half in the kitchen and half in the garden. 
On the table were cheese, crackers and tomatoes. 

I took a knife and cut the cheese so thinly that it was transparent. I did the same with the tomatoes and placed them both onto a cracker. 
As I placed it into my mouth and crunched into it, I woke up.   


Thursday, 26 September 2013

Dennis waterman, hard as nails

Firstly my wife was placing apples into a large box. When I asked her why she was doing this, I was informed that they help to preserve bodies. 
I glanced into the box to see the dead body of a man. Without even questioning what was going on I excepted her explanation and left. 

I was next wrapped in winter clothing walking in thick snow at the local shops near to my mums house. 
Everyone was dressed the same as the temperature was well below freezing. 
As I ascended the hill towards the Post Office I saw a male walking towards me in jeans and a T shirt.  

It was actor Dennis Waterman and he was younger looking as he was in his Sweeney days. 
As he passed me he looked at me and smiled and said,"This ain't cold sunshine". 

Finally in a worrying premonition, my car failed its MOT because the passenger door wouldn't open from the inside. 
I have it booked in for tomorrow!  


Wednesday, 25 September 2013

Fox pooh

My dogs antics during the day worked into my dream last night. During his walk he rolled in fox pooh and required a shower. That's not the dream, that's what happened. 
As I slept, I had moved to another house on the edge of my village. The garden was untidy and as I set about tidying it I noticed a wooden pallet on fire. 

Oddly I ignored the fire and continued sorting the garden. My dog was running about barking and for good reason, the fire had spread to the house and a rotary washing line. 
I collapsed the washing line and filled a watering can from the tap. 
I poured water over the house and the fires were out. 

I walked out onto the road followed by my dog. Two women were walking past and commented on my dog being fluffy. When I looked at him, he was puffed out and so fluffy I could hardly see him for a mass of fur. 
I then set about explaining that he had rolled in fox pooh and I had to shower him. 


Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Alligators and camel jigsaws

For once I wasn't in my dream. I watched as a young lad sat in a room looking at a picture of his girlfriend and he is in love. 
As he stared at her image she appeared behind him and raided her arms above his head and released powder paint covering them both in a rainbow of colours.  

Next the same lad was in a field adjacent to a wooded area and he had an alligator on a dog lead. 
He gave it instructions to eat some people that were approaching. He released the alligator into the wood and ran and hid behind a bush to watch. 

As the lad waited he noticed a jigsaw puzzle on the floor. It was completed and some of the images were moving. When he placed his finger in them, the image vanished. 
The puzzle was of an English village complete with green fields. As he continued to watch a camel walked across the puzzle, crushing the peices 


Monday, 23 September 2013

Fabric conditioner car

I was on a building site where along with my wife we were erecting a huge metal frame. We were bolting together big red coloured gerders and the construction filled the room. 
I'd left my wife bolting these together as my neighbour Simon asked me for a lift to his house. 

I abliged by sitting him on a fabric conditioner bottle the size of a car and steering it through the streets.  
This was going well untill blue coloured liquid started pouring out of the front and the vehcile stopped. I was also lost and couldn't remember the way home so I walked back to the building site to ask my wife. 

When I arrived she was fitting a bathroom suite and was holding a power drill. As it was getting late I asked her to hurry up but she told me she still had a kitchen to fit and the rest of the steel frame to errect. 


Sunday, 22 September 2013

Sausage box

I was woken by a loud thud on the bedside table. When I looked over with blurry eyes I saw a long rectangular cardboard box. One end was open and when I lifted it and tipped the contents out, there was a packet of raw sausages. 

I soon realised this was actually my dream when this thud happened another two times waking me again. Well not waking me but within the dream I was awake. 

I was next with my wife walking along my Nan's old street where she lived when I was growing up. With us were our two cats trotting along side. 
We passed through market stalls containg pet foods and our ginger cat kept running in the road. 

We arrived at a garden that had a huge blackberry bush covering the end fence. I started to cut it back but got carried away and removed the fence too. 
Looking beyond what was once the garden perimeter, I was looking down a hill onto a caravan site. 


Saturday, 21 September 2013

Gordon's golfing nightmare

Starting off at work in the city centre office, I was a little confused as no one was familiar. I didn't recognise one person. 
I was also trying to avoid doing any work and instead started to clean out a huge fish tank. I then opened a chest freezer and started to clean that.
Inside I found a frozen book that was made of clear plastic. It had nothing on it but I recognised it as a book for dogs that you could place pages into. 

Next I watched as a supervisor from work called Gorden was playing golf. 
This was made all the more difficult as he attempted to play from the top of a cliff. 
I watched as he climbed down towards the sea every time his ball rolled a bit further towards the water. 

Finally it plopped into the water and Gorden jumped onto a fishing boat. The captain of the boat told Gorden that he wanted a ciggertte but had given up smoking 8 months ago. 

Lastly I was back in the city centre office with Gorden and I was telling him that no one there was anyone I knew. 
Gorden sat at a desk and looked at me and said, "My ball fell in the sea". 


Friday, 20 September 2013

We are not amused, again

My wife and I were the formal quests of her majesty the Queen and the Dutchess of Cornwall. The location was a very impressive domed building in London. It resembled the Royal Albert hall.

The queen was looking extremely serious but Camilla was smiling and seemed very happy. 
When we were ushered into the building we were taken up into the dome itself. 
Laying around within the circular roof were other guests. We were told to lay on our backs and a movie would play on the ceiling. 

It was silent as we waited for the film to begin and I thought it would he funny to quote a line from the film Wayne's World. 
I turned to my wife and shuffled on the floor and said, "I laid on my keys". 
I then noticed the Queen and Dutchess glaring at me and shaking their heads. 


Thursday, 19 September 2013

Underground jumpers

I was in the underground car park where I work and everywhere I looked were clothing items thrown over vehicles. 
They were mainly work jumpers that had the owners names sown on them in white stitching. 

I went around reading the names on the jumpers but didn't recognise any of them. In a space reserved for the boss was a huge pile of cardboard boxes. Hung over the boxes was another jumper but the name was in black so hard to see. 
I looked at it carefully and saw that the owner was George Hunt, again a name I didn't know. 

Lastly I was in a pub and was going to cook a Sunday lunch for my work colleagues. The landlord of the pub was showing me his dog. It was the size of a Pug but looked nothing like one. 

When I tried to stroke the dog I noticed it was bleeding from an open wound on its side. 
The blood was dripping onto the floor and the dog was drinking it. 


Wednesday, 18 September 2013

Action man gets posh

I was walking through a large stately home, something I have done on a few occasions recently. 
I'd wandered out into the formal gardens and found an ornate pond complete with a metal pelican spitting out water. 

I then took out my old childhood action man and started to pretend that he was swimming in a shark infested lake. 
I was so carried away that I'd walked into the pond and was totally soaked. 
My action man had also got covered in mud and so I went back into the big house and found a bathroom and washed him clean, leaving mud everywhere. 

I then removed all my wet clothes, found a blanket which I wrapped around my bottom half and walked through the main house. 
I was given very discerning looks from everyone as a half naked man with an action man strolled across the main hall. 


Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Exploding heads

The scene was a huge movie style complex with aircraft hanger size buildings, a vast network of roads and people everywhere. 
High above in the air, five police helicopters circled the area. 

I was in a room that just had a table in the centre of it. The far wall was missing so I could see outside clearly. Running around were hundreds of armed police. 
Sat on the table in front of me was a high powered rifle with a telescopic lens mounted on it. 

A police officer ran into the room and told me it wasn't safe and to get out. They took my gun and led me out of the room and into a giant hanger. I positioned myself in a corner next to two rooms. 
About twenty people came running towards me in a panic and ran into one of the rooms and all sat at an individual table. 

With the door still open I looked at the people and they had real fear in their eyes. 
I then heard an electronic bleeping sound that became faster and faster until the bleep became one long sound. As this happened everyone's head that was in the room, exploded sending blood and brains everywhere. 

Just as I looked on in horror another group of terrified people ran onto the other room. The same bleeping began again with the same result of exploding heads. 
The rest of the scene was one of blind panic as people and police ran around not knowing what to do. 
It was at this point that I was happy to wake up. 


Monday, 16 September 2013

Blind arm of the law

I was with a colleague from work called Paul and I was chatting to him in the street, just standing catching up on gossip. 
We were approached by a blind man with a white stick who was dressed as a policeman. Both Paul and myself looked at each other believing it to be a joke. 

The blind man said to Paul that he was arresting him for possession of drugs. Convinced this was a prank, we both started laughing. 
When Paul was sitting in the back of a police car we stopped seeing the funny side of things. 
Even less amusing was the blind man then produced a stash of drugs from his own pocket and told another police officer that he found them on Paul. 

I began to protest his innocence but my voice wouldn't work and Paul was taken away to the police station.  
As I stood at the side of the road attempting to wave at passing cars to get some help, a familiar red truck stopped and I saw that it was John, a local farmer. 
I tried to explain to John what had happened but as I told the story of a bent blind policeman planting drugs, the smile on his face became wider. 
I wouldn't believe it either. 


Sunday, 15 September 2013

Paul Weller in a tub

I was watching TV with my wife, something I was doing whilst awake earlier in the evening. 
An advert came on the screen whereby a naked Paul Weller was advertising a bath. 

The bath was more of a shallow oversized oyster shell that he only just fitted into. The water didn't even cover his ankles and he was struggling to hide his modesty. 
As Paul awkwardly turned to show the baths features whilst still trying to maintain a modicum of dignity, I commented to my wife, "Why is he doing adverts, how embarrassing". 

I was next in the living room at my mums house. Outside in the road was parked a coach and I watched as car attempted to reverse into a space in front of it. 
The car hit the coach and started to push it towards the house. 

I shouted out but the car continued to push the coach. I heard a massive crashing sound as it hit the house and the lights went out. 
I went into the hallway and flicked the trip switch back on for the electricity. 

Everything looked normal so I ran upstairs and found that the coach was embedded into the front bedroom and part of the coach was hanging out over the street. 
Some children were nervously looking out of the windows as the vehicle hung out of my mums bedroom. 
I shouted out to them and as they moved to look at me the coach started to tip forwards and screams emitted from the coach. Wondering what to do about the situation, I woke up. 


Saturday, 14 September 2013

In the news - nothing

I was with my wife and she handed me a sat nav while she went into a shop. I sat in the car. 
As she reached the shop entrance she turned and shouted, "Our nan's are a nightmare, we best keep them apart". 

I looked over at the passenger seat and saw that there was a copy of the sun newspaper. 
I opened the first page and the inside pages had all been painted with black paint, making them all very thick and heavy. The whole paper was like it. 

I was next watching a man staggering around putting things into the boot of his car. I watched him then get into the drivers seat and move off. 
Concerned he was drunk I ran after the man and flagged down a police car. 

The man was stopped and the officers gave the man a machine to blow into. The man blew into it then handed it to me. None of the officers seemed bothered so I looked at the digital reading which said 107.14. 
I showed it to the drunk guy and he said, " I think that's bad". 


Friday, 13 September 2013

Carpet painting

I was back in my old profession as a painter and decorator, working in a great stately home. 
I was set to earn a lot of money from the job but being such a big job I'd hired some of my work colleagues to help out. 

One of my helpers was Steve and I'd left him painting the skirting in the main hall. When I went around checking the work I found a guy in the main hall painting the ceiling. I didn't know him and asked where Steve was. The reply was that he went home at 10am. 

When I looked at the skirting, Steve had painted it but also all of the carpet around the edge of the room. The hand woven carpet now had white gloss paint ruining it and also my chances of earning any money from the job. 

Lastly just before my alarm interrupted my sleep. I was walking through a corridor, ahead of me was work colleague Nicole and it was 5am. We were questioning why we were up so early. Nicole said that she was normally only up this early to fly to Spain. 

We entered a room and found a rotary washing line in the centre full of washing.  
I started to fold the clothing nearly and placed them in a washing basket. 
Nicole opened another door and gasped and what she saw. 
All I could hear as I glanced over towards her was the familiar sound of my alarm. 
My vision faded as I was pulled out of the dream and remained with the alarm sounding. 


Thursday, 12 September 2013

Missing child

I was part of a huge organised search team looking for a missing girl who was about 10 years old. 
The concern was that she had been abducted by a sex offender and that time was running out. Local tensions were running high. 

Pictures of the smiling girl were up in every house and shop window with the words 'Have you seen this girl'. 
I had wandered onto an open field and got separated from the other volunteer searchers. 
It was growing dark and I knew the search would soon be called off for the night. 

Suddenly the ground gave way beneath my feet and I fell into a big hole. 
Landing in a darkened pit I looked up to see the missing girl standing over me smiling just as she was in her picture. 
Pleased that she was safe and well my joy turned immediately to fear as I saw a man bound with rope and gagged in the corner. 
The girls smile turned into a sinister grin as she had found another victim.  



Wednesday, 11 September 2013

Tiger couch

I was driving my car along a beautiful treelined lake that was made even more amazing as it was lit by the moonlight. 
Taking in its splendour I failed to notice I'd run off the Tarmac and along a gravel track. 
The small stones became deeper and my car started to sink. I yanked up the handbrake spinning the vehicle around and floored the accelerator. 
Other than a mass of stones flying up in the air, nothing happened and I was stuck. 

I was next in a house I didn't recognise when there was a knock on the door. My dog started barking and I tried to hush him as my wife was asleep. 
When I opened the door it was my Auntie and Niece along with a very fat black woman. 
I hugged my relatives and told the black woman not to touch my dog as he didn't like strangers. 

The woman told me that she had two cats and they were in the living room. I opened the door to the room and saw one cat jumping up at the sofa. As I fully entered the room I saw that the other cat laying on the sofa was a fully grown Bengal tiger. 

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

How to dispose of the ex

The first part of my dream involved me digging away on my allotment. I was doing a piece to camera, explaining what I was doing, Gardeners World style. 
Instead of talking about leaks or carrots I was offering advise on how to dispose of a dead body. 

Wrapped in a sheet was the deceased body of my ex wife and I explained that if you dug deep enough and filled the hole with soil, the rotting corpse would be excellent for your onions. Plus no one would ever discover the body. 

Lastly I was on a bus along with my exact double. Both me's had a suitcase that was above our heads on the luggage rack with a length of string tied from it onto our wrists. 
As the bus stopped to let on more passengers I noticed the front windscreen was smashed.  

 A Japanese man got on and said to the driver in very broken English, "Ah window bish bosh". 
I turned to the other me and told myself what he had said and both me's started laughing out loud. 


Monday, 9 September 2013

TV snow at the love shack

There were just two simple elements to my dream. One visual and one audio. 

The visual part was that I was watching TV snow all night. The white and grey picture you used to get on the screen when nothing was broadcasting. Or more like the screen in that poltergeist film. 

This was accompanied by the 1989 hit, 'The Love Shack' by the B 52's. 
which was playing on my car stereo yesterday and must have stayed at the forefront of my mind.  


Sunday, 8 September 2013

Christmas eggs and dummy's

A debut from my work colleague George last light. We were both driving transit vans into our city centre works station. 
I arrived just prior to George and held the door open for him. 
As I waiting for him to reach the entrance I saw a woman standing further in the building. She was perfectly still and almost statue like. 

When George arrived and we walked in we saw that the woman was a shop manakin dressed as a policewoman. 
We reached the top floor and I opened a door to the landing to find it jam packed with Christmas decorations and chocolates. 

It was so tightly packed that I had to wade my way through. With George close behind it was like walking through water. I looked down and saw that we were moving through thousands of chocolate eggs in the shape of SantaClaus. 
George shouted out, "Don't eat any". 
I turned to look at him with a mouth so full of chocolate I couldn't talk. 

I was lastly walking in the rain with my wife heading towards my aunts house in Northampton. We were under a big umbrella and as the rain got heavier we stopped and stood for a while to watch the downpour. 

I could hear music playing and recognised the song as 'Waterfalls' by TLC a hit in 1995. 
As we sang along to it I could hear a female also singing to it directly stood behind me. 
I didn't look round to see who it was but just embraced my wife and stood content with my life.   


Saturday, 7 September 2013

Ryan's 4x4 tandem

The second appearance recently of my work colleague Ryan. 
This time he had assembled an elaborate bicycle with a mounted engine and 4x4 wheels, so a truck really but it still looked like a bike. 

I'd been invited by Ryan to help him test drive it and to incorporate this he had built another seat thus making it a tandem 4x4. 
With Ryan at the helm we set off across a muddy set of hills. All was going smoothly until I noticed that I had somehow overtaken Ryan and was in front of him. 

I looked down and discovered that my section on the bike was no longer attached to Ryan's part and I was freewheeling out of control. 
I lost sight of Ryan as I fell off into the mud and the bike smashed into a tree. 

I later discovered Ryan in a garage where he was working on his 4x4 tandem mark 11. I declined his kind offer to help him test it!  


Friday, 6 September 2013

Mystery house

I was in my street but parked a few houses up from my entrance. I saw my wife looking out of the window at me. 
I approached what looked like an empty house. There was rubble and rubbish in the front garden. 
I removed the handle from a lawn mower out of the boot of my car and approached the front door. 

I had a key in my pocket which was for the house and as I pushed it into the door it swung open. It was very dark inside and cobwebs hung from the ceiling. 
It looked abandoned and I thought to myself that no one could be living here. 

I then heard the front door close and spun around to see a woman coming in. She smiled and said, "Who are you?"  I replied, "I'm Maximus". 
She then seemed to have heard of me and was happy that I was in the house. 

I walked into the living room and found a very old lady sitting on the sofa drinking tea. 
I looked around the house and thought to myself that the old lady would slightly hamper my plans to move in. 


Thursday, 5 September 2013

Apple avalanche

I had a touch of smellovision last night.I could detect the distinct odour of cigarette smoke as I slept. 
My eyes shot open as just for a spilt second I thought it was real. 

Back to sleep and I had entered a walk in freezer that contained hundreds of tubs of ice cream. 
A man entered the freezer and I told him to make me an ice cream. He then set about scooping frozen desert from various tubs and throwing them into a large bowl. 
The result was a puppet made of ice cream that spoke when you put your hand up its back. 

I was next sat on a sofa in a house with work colleague Leeza and two large black dogs. 
The house started to flood and the water lifted the sofa up to the ceiling and we were soon under water. I saw a window to my right and smashed it using my elbow. 

As a result the water sank below our heads and we were able to breath again. Through the broken window came an avalanche of apples. They poured down into the room and onto the heads of lots of children who became buried alive by the onslaught of fruit.  


Wednesday, 4 September 2013

Inflatable transvestite

The first part of my night was halted by the vigorous shaking of my wife trying to wake me up as I shouted at the top of my voice. 
This followed me shouting after my dog that had chased our cats out of our garden into the paddock full of sheep. 

Once over the shock and back to sleep I was ironing a black all in one suit. No ordinary suit, this one was inflated and a batman outfit made for a transvestite. 
The transvestite was standing over me and casting a critical eye over my ironing skills. 

He was in his pants in full makeup, wig and painted nails and kept shaking his head at me. In the end I just picked up the suit and threw it at him. 


Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Nostalgia trip

Last night started with a rich boss attempting to clinch a million pound business contract. He was writing mathematical sums onto a sheet of paper, scribbling through them and becoming ever more frustrated. 
He was so close to getting it right but the deal depended on him getting the numbers correct. 

From behind him came the voice of a man sweeping the floor and he said to the boss. "You can do it, remember when we were kids". 

The dream them took on a weird nostalgic form with the boss thinking back to his childhood. The scene became black and white but with a tiny hint of colour. 
Rows of poor children stood against a wall and just two of the boys had coloured buttons on their clothes. 

The two boys were best friends and inseparable. They were playing darts but one boy couldn't work out the sums to play. 
The other boy was very good at playing and encouraged the other by saying, "You can this". 

The scene drifted back to the boss in his office and the words were echoing around his head. "You can do this"
He wrote an sum and the deal was done. 


Monday, 2 September 2013

Jelly bean

No actual dream as such but an odd array of semiconscious images that presented themselves to me as I lay in bed. 

The first image was a bright blue coloured jelly bean. On one end was very fine detailed gold that made it resemble a Faberge egg. 

As I looked intently at the jelly bean, the image changed to a face. Then in rapid succession into many different objects and faces. They changed so fast that as I attempted to focus on working out what they were, it moved on to another shape. 

I watched the visual display for a few minutes before descending into a deep sleep. I woke this morning feeling fairly refreshed too.  


Sunday, 1 September 2013

Cesspit city

I was at work and with Adrian who was driving a huge lorry with me in the passenger seat. 
The lorry contained the contents of my cesspit and we were on route to deliver it to a treatment plant. 

I was explaining to Adrian about having to see one of our bosses earlier in the day and that he was very unhappy I'd arrived at work with a lorry full of stinking human waste. 

As we drove through the city centre I started to smell the overpowering stench of the waste. I looked in the side view mirror and saw that the lorry was leaking and leaving a trail of brown mess in the road. 

Adrian looked at me and started laughing and said, "The boss ain't going to be happy with this!"

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