Thursday, 31 October 2013

Do you mind!

I often dream about gong to the toilet, in some shape or form and last night was one of those occasions.
I didn't recognise the house I was in but entered he bathroom and sat myself on the toilet.  Disturbingly as I dropped my trousers, I noticed not only that I had been wearing ladies pants, but they were full like a babies nappy.

Sat on the toilet rather upset at this, I was totally distraught when my Friends Sarah and Steve walked into the bathroom and sat down.
They appeared not to notice my predicament, let alone I was sat on the toilet and started chatting to each other.

I tried to join in the conversation but Sarah just looked at me with total disinterest, and carried on chatting to Steve as if I was a total stranger that had interrupted them. 


Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Get into my car

About three days ago I was in my car and on the radio was the 1988 hit from Billy Ocean, 'Get Outta my dreams, get into my car'.

I have woken today with it on replay in my head which is always annoying.

Get outta my dreams
Get in to my car
Get outta my dream
Get in to the back seat baby
Get in to my car
Beep Beep, yeah
Get outta my mind
Get in to my life
Oh I said hey (Hey) you (You)
Get in to my car
Oh baby

'Gotta' love the 80's.

Tuesday, 29 October 2013

Leopard skin locomotion

I was with my dog, who is a Jack Russell terrier. Instead of his usual tri colours, he had a leopard skin coat. 
We walked for a while with him running behind as normal. 

I approached a building of some kind and entered it, not looking back as I know that my dog is always faithfully following me. 
The building was full of other dogs of all different breeds and I bent down to stroke a few of them. 

I then heard the song, 'Locomotion' playing and turned around to the source of the music. 
I was slightly surprised to see my dog at the front of a long line of hounds dancing the Locomotion. All the dogs were on their back legs holding the dog in front with their front legs. 
Except my dog at the front of the train was making circular train wheel movements with his front legs. 


Monday, 28 October 2013

Dog cart and cows

One scene from last night. My cousin Claire was looking after a huge Great Dane dog. 
She wanted to take it for a walk and so harnessed it up to a single seater cart. 

I watched as she rode off around a park, with the dog pulling her along. Suddenly hundreds of dogs ran into the park with frantic owners chasing them. 

The scene was chaotic but the Great Dane remained calm and focused on pulling the cart. 
Even two cows running along side of the cart didn't take the dog away from his focus. 


Sunday, 27 October 2013

What does the Fox say?

What does the Fox say? Arrrrrrg! It completely fills your head so that when you wake up, that's all you have repeating over and over!

Ok it was funny the first couple of times I heard it. But please go away now! 


Saturday, 26 October 2013

Go compare

To start with I was attempting to get on a moped but it had been blocked in by a red sports car. 
As I struggled to get it out of the gap, I noticed that the driver was in the sports car along with a female passenger. 
I knocked on the drivers window and asked him to move his car. 

The driver got out and started attacking me, I was then set upon by the female. To result this issue I promptly doused them both in petrol and set them alight. 

Next I was in my mums living room and was lining all of my toy cars up on a mat. I heard someone coming down the stairs and was slightly surprised to see it was the fat man with the big mustache from the Go Compate adverts. 

He seemed very sleepy and walked towards the toilet. As he entered the room he banged his head on the door frame and shouted out, "Ouch". 


Friday, 25 October 2013

Bus to Nottingham

As the title suggests, I was on a bus that was heading towards the city of Nottingham. 
It was night time and along with other work colleagues I was on the upper deck. 
As we drove into Nottingham I noticed that people were rioting and shops and cars were ablaze. 

We were told to get off and alighted the bus in a dark back street outside the city centre. 
On his bike was Groover, he had two flat tyres. This didn't deter him and he rode off in the direction of the centre of the city and towards certain death at the hands of the rioters. 

Lastly along with my wife we were on a boat moored at the seaside. It was not in water but on the promenade with the sand on the other side. 
A woman who looked vaguely familiar knocked on the boat and was holding a bunch of flowers. 

We both came out of the boat and the woman asked if we wanted a wedding cake and held up the flowers. 
Confused I picked a petal off and tasted it. Amazingly it was fruit cake covered in icing. 


Thursday, 24 October 2013

Midland road.

I was at work and driving a small van when I received instructions via a voice over the vehicles radio, that I needed to go to Midland road.
Whilst I was still driving, the passenger door opened and my work colleague, Paul jumped in. He was repeatedly saying, "Midland road, Midland road".

We arrived at Midland road and I got out of the van leaving Paul still saying, "Midland road"! 
I took a large felt marker pen out of my pocket and threw it. It landed in the hedge of a front garden to a house. 

I retrieved the pen and threw it again. 
I then continued to do this, making my way along the street leaving Paul in the van still constantly repeating himself. 


Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Pasta house

The setting was a dark street and it was raining. I was with my wife and we were heading towards a house tucked into the very corner of the street. 
We were going to do some work on the house and were carrying a massive wooden plank. With one of us holding each end, we struggled into the house only to find all the work had been completed and a family had moved in. 

Coming out of the kitchen wall onto the floor was raw mince meat. On another wall, hot cooked pasta was flowing into a pot. My wife stood in a small alcove and watched this and I went upstairs. 

In one of the bedrooms was a basketball hoop fixed high on the wall. 
Sat on the bed was a man who's neck was about four feet long and his head was sticking up through the hoop. 


Tuesday, 22 October 2013

Evil twins

I was in my utility room and the drum shaped bread bin that now houses dog treats had multiplied and was the size of an oil drum. Not only that, it had cloned and there was a second one the same size.

I lifted the lid of one of them and found a young girl sat inside. She had huge scary bulging eyes, thin blonde hair and an evil look about her. 
I put the lid back on and opened the other bin to find an identical girl smiling up at me. 
Slamming the lid back on I left with an eeary chill down my spine. 

I was next walking down the street in one of the newer townships of the city. Beside me was a woman that I didn't recognise but felt I vaguely knew. 

Coming towards us walking together were Suki and Justin from work. They passed us without comment and the female looked back and said that she thought Suki was cute. 
I told her that he was just a boy, to which she laughed, "I'll make a man of him". 


Monday, 21 October 2013

Odeon battleships

I started of my night in violent fashion. 
I was delivering a beating to a man that I found laying on the floor. 
I don't know who he was or why he was on the floor, but as soon as I saw him I punched him in the face. 

Taken over by rage I continually punched and kicked him until he was unconcuisous and left him beaten and bloody in the street. 

During the evening before going to bed I'd been watching a programme about World War Two ships. This planted itself into my dream as I was sat in the cinema. 
The film was in black and white and depicted ships at sea.  

From my seat I was able to play the age old game of Battleships. I shouted out numbers and letters and huge bombs exploded on and around the ships until I eventually sank one.  

Lastly I was at a picnic area with my wife to have a BBQ. We had arrived late in the day and vechile access was closed. 
Carrying all of our stuff we walked to the barrier and into the picnic area. 

I heard a car approaching and watched as it smashed through the barrier. It parked up and friends Steve and Sarah got out. Steve shouted over, "Barriets open!" And laughed out loud. 



Sunday, 20 October 2013

The mask

I started off by being in a working mans club watching second rate entertainment. 
I'd reached the point when I couldn't stand anymore and was just about to leave when I heard a fantastic version of Pink Flyods 'Wish you were here'. 
When I looked at the stage it was actually David Gilmore playing. Mega!

I was next at the doctors to tell him that my bad back was no better and that I was expericencing pain in my right hip too. 
The doctor asked if I'd be willing to take part in an experimental treatment. Desperate to be pain free I agreed and he called in the entire staff from the surgery. 

A mask was placed over my me, it covered my whole face and was tight and I could hardly breathe. 
Everyone was staring at me and when I spoke I could see my reflection in a glass cabinet. I had turned into a cartoon version of myself with bright red lips and bulging eyes. 
Everyone started laughing at me.  The mask was pulled off my face and I returned to normal. 

Lastly I was in an upstairs room of a house. I ran down the stairs and a woman was fitting carpets. They were horrible 1970's style floral patterned and I looked at them in horror. 
I went to exit the house but the door handle was missing. I forced open the door and ran into the street. 

I recognised the area as the streets were I grew up and started heading towards my mums house. As I ran my arms became stiff and paralyzed, I lost all feeling in them and they looked like a manakins arms outstretched. 
As I got closer to my mums house hundreds of people blocked my way and I couldn't get through. 

I woke up at this point and found that I was laying with my arms up behind my head and they were numb as the blood had drained from them. 


Saturday, 19 October 2013


Sat on the sofa last night dozing off, I felt someone slap my arse. I opened my eyes and saw Gardeners World was still on the TV. 
I nodded off again and this time I couldn't open my eyes or move. I could see everything in the room, including my wife sat next to me. 

I shouted from within but I made no sound or movement. 
Inside, I was screaming, but outwardly I was paralysed and silent. 
Eventually my eyes opened and I was awake. I'd been asleep for 20 minutes, I'd missed the end of gardeners World!

When I went to bed I dreamt that I walked into a room holding a pump action shoutgun. In the room was Biff, one of my work supervisors. 
There were two other men that I didn't know sat at a desk. 

One of the men picked up a telephone that was on the desk. I pointed the gun at his head and told him to hang up. 
Biff asked what I was doing, I replied, "You know I'm wanted for murder, nobody is alerting the cops". 

I ran out of the room into a field and called for my dog who came faithfully came running after me. 
Running further into the field I knew Biff had called the police, I could hear sirens and a helicopter overhead. 

I lent my back against a tree and using my arms and legs like a spider, I scaled up into the branches out of sight. I called my dog who in a single leap, landed in my lap. 
We both went to sleep and when I opened my eyes I was in bed. 


Friday, 18 October 2013

Toilet break

My week of working nights and sleeping during the day is over. My dreaming has been short and mainly just prior to waking. 

Today I was dreaming that I was urinating in the bathroom. My brains way of informing me I need to get up. 

There's always the split second of concern when I open my eyes and notice I'm in bed. I've never had any accidents. Hope that always is the case. 


Thursday, 17 October 2013

Watching me

There's times when I think I'm awake when I'm actually in a dream. 
Today whilst I slept I thought I was in my bedroom standing over my bed. 

Not an unusual event until I realised I was looking at myself asleep in the bed. 
I seemed very peaceful and it took me an age to work out that I was asleep. 

Not sure this in any way counts as an out of body experience. There were no white lights and tunnels. 
Still slightly on the odd side though.   


Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Blank look

I was looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, staring intently at my reflection. 
I bent down and splashed my face with cold water. 

Oddly the water felt cold and I could feel the change in temperature as I slept. 
When I lifted my head back up to again check my reflection, I had no face. 

My entire face was smooth skin, without any features, as if I'd wished them off in the icy water.  


Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Shut it Whitney!

Don't make me close one more door
I don't wanna hurt anymore
Stay in my arms if you dare
Or must I imagine you there
Don't walk away from me, no! 

Please do walk away from me Whitney and get this song out of my head! 

I have woken as if often the case from sleeping during the day with nothing other than a song playing in my head. 
Today it's the 1993 hit 'I have nothing' from Whitney Huston. 


Monday, 14 October 2013

Crunchy nut baby

Rather disturbingly I was helping deliver four babies last night. They were slightly different in that they had had their gestation period in cereal boxes. 
In turn I carefully opened each box to produce a crying newborn. 

As I opened the last box which was Chrunchy Nut Cornflakes, a small trickle of blood flowed out of the top of the packet. 
There was no accompanying cry and as I opened the box I poured out a lifeless baby into a bowl. I just stared at it. 

I next found myself rushing through a street with Stu from work. As we turned a corner a huge angry crowd surrounded a house baying for blood. 
Stu said to me, "Don't stop". I stopped. 
I stood my ground and eventually the crowd dispersed.  As we walked around the corner four hearses passed us each with a freshly killed bloodied body in the back. I just stared. 

Finally my dog was in our back garden when a rabbit hopped through the fence. A second glance at my dog and he had turned into a hamster. 
Thinking this wouldn't go well for my dog I was surprised when my hamster chased the rabbit back out and into the field. 
I chased after them and caught up just as my hamster dog was about to beat up the rabbit. 


Sunday, 13 October 2013

Cutlery assault

I was on the top floor of a building which was full of people. No idea where I was or why I was there. 
For no reason that I can determine, I grabbed a bag that was sitting on a table and started to run. This evoked reaction, as people started shouting and gave chase. 

Running down some stairs I reached the ground floor with the bag under my arm. I then saw that I was in a school. 
I began running through rooms attempting to avoid my persuers. 
Each room I entered had a teacher in it and they all joined in the chase. 

As I got into a large room that had a table in the centre of it, a female teacher grabbed a knife and fork from it and tried to stab me with them. 
Avoiding injury I pushed open a door and found myself in the streets around my mums house. 

Noticing that I was no longer being chased I stopped to take stock of the contents of the bag. 
As I peered into it a man approached me and asked what was in the bag. He was wearing a long black coat. 

Inside the bag I had stolen was an identical coat to the mans. I handed it to him and said, "It's a new coat for you". 
He went happily on his way with his new attire and I woke from my dream. 


Saturday, 12 October 2013

House crashing

I was in a very busy street full of shops and restaurants, there were so many people I was having to carefully weave through them to avoid bumping into anyone. 
I did eventually bash into someone and when I looked up, it was my wife. Smiling she led me into a restaurant and we sat at a table. 

The table had a grey coloured cloth draped over it that didn't cover all of the surface area. 
Sat at the other end of the table was a teenage boy who said he was the Son of Mick, one of our work supervisors. The lad was very unhappy that the table cloth didn't fit correctly. 

I was next walking into the front door of my neighbours house. They were away so I thought I'd go in for a look around. 
Having had a good nosey about the place, I came out onto the drive and a small van came screeching to a halt. 
It was the alarm company responding to me setting it off when I entered. 

I told the driver that it was ok because I lived next door and he seemed happy with this and left. 
Then my neighbour came walking down the driveway followed by a very long black car. I decided this would be a good time to leave. 

The car skidded into the lawn, crashed through the wall and into the house next door. The neighbouring house and garden prior to the car arriving were in prestine condition. 
I thought to myself that I didn't want to be around when the house owner came home.  


Friday, 11 October 2013


There are a few things I dream about a lot. One is my mum and her house and the other is various modes of transport, including ships. 

Last night the two were combined with me being on a cruise ship with my mum. 
There was nothing more to it than that. Mum had a cabin but I didn't, I was just visiting her, which is not easy when in the middle of the ocean. 

I don't know how I got on board but mum seemed happy and content which made for a happy dream. 


Thursday, 10 October 2013

Just killed a man

Standing in the street, it was dark and cold. I could see a couple of figures in the distance but couldn't make them out clearly. 

As I approached them I could see it was two big men. They had their backs to me and were hunched down punching something. 
As I got behind them I could see it was a third man laying on the floor at their feet and he was getting a serious beating. 

I could tell that if I didn't do anything, the man was going to be killed. 
I picked up a wooden slat from a picket fence that had a point on it. Running up behind the two assailants, I rammed the slat into one of the men's back and it came out the other side of him having peirced his heart. He dropped dead. 

The other man turned and looked at me and I grabbed the broken end of a broomstick. 
Without hesitation I stabbed him in the neck, cutting through his jugular and killing him instantly. 
I woke at this point. 


Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Fake relative

Initially I was sat at my mums with my dad and younger sister watching TV. The living room as it was when I was a child , including the huge old telly vision. 

There was a modern addition as I held my smart phone and attempted to pair it via Bluetooth to the tv. Without success I became frustrated and even more so when my sister was laughing at me. 

Following the family theme, my wife and I spent a lovely sunny afternoon at my aunts house, in and around her swimming pool. We also watched a film on TV but my view was blocked by my work colleague James. Every time I tried to move, he moved in my way of the screen. 
My wife then informed me that we needed to catch a train home. 

After saying our goodbyes, I gathered up some clean laundered clothes and started to fold them. 
I hugged my aunt and caught up with my wife and we walked off down towards the station. 

My aunt called out and came running after us. When I looked at her she wasn't my aunt but an unknown woman. 
Still pretending to be her my aunt then sold us a metal toilet roll holder for £9.50. 


Tuesday, 8 October 2013


Last night I didn't have a job and I'd attended the unemployment office to seek work. 
I have no idea what an unemployment office looks like, or if it is even called that. But in my dream there were rows of postcard size adverts which you selected and took to the counter when you found a job you liked. 

One in particular that caught my eye was titled, 'An excellent opportunity to work in the motor trade, car thief required'. 

I removed the card and took it to the counter and handed it to a woman. She looked up at me and asked me what experience I had, "Loads" I lied. 

She asked if I could start immediately, which I could and I left the building keen to start my new vocation. 
As soon as I got out I approached the first car I saw, opened the door, got in and drove off. 


Monday, 7 October 2013

Moral dilemma and donuts

I was with my dog and we were out walking when we went past a supermarket that looked closed. 
Humbug ran up to the door and jumped on the spot excitedly. I pushed the door and it opened. 
As I peered into the store I saw it full of shoppers. Before I had a chance to close the door, my dog was off running at speed through the shop. 

I called him back but he was focused and gone. I turned to a member of staff and apologised to her. She handed me a slip of paper and asked for my details. 
On the paper I wrote, 'Sorry about my dog and that he rearranged the donut stand' and signed it 'a twat'. 

I was next driving towards my mums house when I pulled over at the top of her road because a big lorry was blocking the road. I saw that it was one of my mums old neighbours, but before I could talk to him, he drove off. 

Without looking I pulled out and turned into my mums road. As I did so I heard a screech of tyres and a smash behind me. 
I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the blue lights of a fire engine and a car in front of it that had crashed due to me cutting it up. 

As I turned into my mums road I slowed down and thought to myself whether I should stop and take responsibility for the accident. 
I then thought that if I stop at my mums house they would find me. I was pondering my options, knowing I should do the decent thing but also didn't want to get caught. 
Before I could reach a decesion, I woke up.  


Sunday, 6 October 2013


Just the briefest of dreams prior to waking up after a coma like sleep. 

I was with Gav from work in a car and I was driving. We were simply driving back into work to then go home. 
Knowing the area really well having worked there for years I made the mistake of listening to Gav when he suggested an alternative route back. 

Before long we were hopelessy lost and I was getting angry for listening to Gav in the first place. 
I didn't recognise anywhere and Gav continued to give directions despite him not knowing the area.  


Saturday, 5 October 2013

Big Daddy at the library

I was driving my car with my dad in the front passenger seat and a female in the rear that I didn't know. 
I pulled up outside a public library and my dad said he needed to renew some books. 
All three of us walked up to the entrance door and the female stumbled and almost fell. I laughed but she wasn't impressed and scowled at me. 

Inside the library was a young boy who was about 12 years old and his blonde hair was cut in the style of a mullet. He looked ridiculous. 
The interior of the library had been made into a swimming pool and the boy started to tell us what books were available. He spoke with a heavy Scotish accent and was hard to understand. 

I then noticed that my dad had become 1970's-80's wrestling star, Big Daddy, complete with leotard. 

26 stone Big Daddy's real name was Shirley Crabtree and he was a former rugby leauge player before become a professional wrestler in 1952. 


Friday, 4 October 2013

Ferrero Rocher cheese

I was at work sat around a large table having a team briefing. Also present were Suki and Groover, as well as my wife and some others I didn't recognise. 

There was no supervisor present so Suki had been nominated as leader and we were waiting to see who we were working with. Suki turned to me and asked if I had anything to add to the briefing. 

From under the table I presented a huge triangle of stacked Edam cheeses on a plate. I said, "With this Edam you are really impressing us". 
Everyone just stared at me except my wife who burst out in fits if laughter.  



Thursday, 3 October 2013

Pierce Brosnan drug baron

My night started off on a cruise ship where I was excited to find former James Bond actor Pierce Brosnan was also a passenger. 
I followed Pierce below deck and he opened a hatch and disappeared into it. 
I popped my head in and discovered him surrounded by tones of cannabis. 
He was acting out his best villaneous laugh as he held some of the illegal drug aloft in a triumphant manner. 

I was next with my wife in my car stuck in a traffic jam. I couldn't see around the big van in front to assertain the reason for the holdup. 
My wife said, "You're a transformer, just turn into something bigger". 
With this my car changed into a big lorry that was higher than the van in front. 

Just as I attempted to look over the top of the van, it transformed into a coach. Not to be out done I too transformed into a bigger coach. 
And so this went on, every time I transformed into something bigger, so did the one in front of us. Slightly irritating. 


Wednesday, 2 October 2013

Onesie wonder

I was walking through the street totally naked but seemed happy with my exposure. 
I arrived inside an apartment block and knocked on a front door. My work colleague Pipi opened the door and looked very sleepy. He invited me in. 

I asked if there there was anyone else in as I didn't want to offend them by my nakedness. Pipi said his wife was around so out of nowhere I pulled out my tiger onesie and a brown blanket with black spots. 

I put on my onesie and entered the living room where I set about folding up the blanket while Pipi went to make coffee. 
As I sat on the sofa Pipi's wife came in but didn't initially notice me and jumped with fright at the tiger on her sofa. 

Pipi returned and I was impressed that he knew that I drank black coffee. 


Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Spy game

Last night I was with my nephew George at my mums house. The house was how it was when I was a child and still had the old pantry in the kitchen. 
I told George that we were going to play a game of spy's and that I was waiting for another friend to arrive to join the game. 

George said he needed to pop home and change his clothes and started to walk towards the shops. 
After he had been gone a few minutes I decided to find him as he was miles from his house and wouldn't know the way. 

As I walked up the street I looked at my watch which was also a music player and phone. I scrolled through my music play list and selected a song but it wouldn't play. 

I then saw that I was at the shops and was approached by Nick from work. 
Nick asked me where the bridge was that crossed the railway line. 
I pointed to the direction of the bridge but Nick walked in the opposite direction. 

09 10