Friday, 31 January 2014

Barking mad.

I was laying in a dark place, my eyes were shut tight and all I could hear was my dog barking. 

Turns out after just 3 hours sleep, someone delivering a parcel to my door had set my dog off. He was barking louder than normal because his dad wouldn't wake up! 

Today I am a tired Dreamcatcher 


Thursday, 30 January 2014

Some might say

I was at work and Stu had entered the room. He was looking incredibly smug and he strutted around the office. 

I asked what he was doing and he opened a door and told me to check out his new fitted kitchen. 
I followed him and found myself in his house in a fantastic kitchen. 

Stu continued to strut around, obviously very proud of his new kitchen. As I looked around I could a song playing. 

The song, the 1995 hit, 'Some might say', from Oasis. 
It was featured on their second album '(What's the story) Morning Glory? and reached number one. 


Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Cane and unable

I was in the countryside, it was stunning rolling hills with narrow roads. The sun was out and it was a lovely day. 

I wandered for a while before deciding I needed to get back to the city. I started to walk but quickly realised I was totally lost. This went on for what seemed hours. 

I eventually arrived in the city centre and a fat drunken man approached me. He was wearing a knitted jumper that was struggling to cover his huge belly. The man tried to talk to me but I walked away from him, irritated by his presence. 

Walking into the very centre of the city I saw hundreds of people wandering around all looking lost. I joined them and walked in circles trying to find something but not knowing what. 

I then found a bamboo cane sticking out of the ground. I placed my hand on it and started crying. I then woke up. 


Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Remote passing

I had a vision of what I'd explain as a near death experience with my life flashing before my eyes. I crawled into bed after a night shiftz and did my usual passing out. 

I can only explain what happened as being similar to watching TV using the remote to fast forward the picture. Hundreds of images and garbled sounds displayed before my eyes. 

They were too fast and frequent to even attempt to focus on and my tired brain just switched off in defeat of tiredness. It was as if I'd used the remote and hit the standby button. 


Monday, 27 January 2014

Harry beans.

I was at work in the city centre office and when I walked in all the lights were turned off. I flicked switches on as I walked upstairs and sat in the canteen. 

As I sat waiting for the morning briefing, I could hear footsteps approaching along the corridor. As they got nearer, the lights went off. In walked Harry and he gave his usual greeting of "Beans". 

We walked out of the canteen and Harry turned the light off. We sat in the briefing room and Harry stood up at the front and announced his energy saving scheme, starting with having no lights on. 


Sunday, 26 January 2014

Polar attack

I was working in my garden, cutting a few branches back when I was suddenly and definitely surprised by a polar bear that started to attack me. 

The only thing I had to defend myself was a Swiss Army knife which had the little saw attachment out.  Frantically I made vain stabbing movements towards the beast. Until I realised that it was actually the knife that it was attacking. 

I dropped the Army knife and watched as the polar bear swooped on it, tearing it to bits. I made good my escape. 

I was next sat in the office at work talking to Simon, the chat was just normal banter. I heard my phone alert me to a text. It was a number I didn't know and the text read, 'Go kill yourself'. 

I looked at this puzzled when a second text arrived from the same number. It said, 'You disgust me, I've told Alan about it'. 

This was clearly someone with the wrong number as I don't know anyone called Alan. I started to reply outlining the fact they had made a mistake when I woke up.  


Saturday, 25 January 2014

Joe 90's school days

I was at school but not mine. It was a new modern looking place, like the acadameys that seem to be the rage these days. 

As I looked around I could see some damage to the walls and there was also some graffiti. I found myself a sofa to lay on and made myself comfortable.  

As I lay there, two women sat next to me and discussed how they had previously operated on me. They said they had only seen my back before and so they stared at my front. It made me feel slightly uneasy. 

I next saw Matt B from work who was dressed as the 1960's puppet, Joe 90, complete with thick rimmed black glasses. He sat down and confessed to having caused the damage to the walls. 


Friday, 24 January 2014

Baby love

I had turned up at the house of my ex wife and just let myself in. There was no one there and I wandered around looking in all the rooms. 

The telephone to the house started to ring so I picked up the receiver and it was my ex wife. She started to go mental at me shouting, "What are you doing in my house!"  I just replied, "It's my house now bitch." 

I sat on the sofa and made myself comfortable when my friend Mary came in the room with her baby. She handed me her baby and I sat her on my knee and she immediately vomited. 

The vomit was a bright yellow and went everywhere. Totally unimpressed by this I attempted to wipe up the sick using the baby's dress. 
Mary was not happy at this and started shouting at me. 

Thinking I'd possibly outstayed my welcome I decided to leave. I left the baby on the sofa with Mary still shouting at me and walked into the kitchen. Instead of the kitchen I found I was in the attic and I hit my head on a beam.  


Thursday, 23 January 2014

You win again doctor

It was a Saturday and I'd parked my artic lorry outside the emergency doctors surgery. I was feeling hot and my hands had pins and needles in them. 

I waited in line to be seen by the doctor and we each buttered a slice of bread to give to the doctor when it was our turn. 
When I reached him, the next person in line was standing right next to me and could everything I said. 

I told the doctor about feeling hot and the tingling in my hands. He was concerned and told me I'd have to stay in hospital to be treated. As I was informed of this I could hear, 'You win again' by Hot Chocolate playing. 

I woke at this point feeling hot and I had pins and needles in my hands. A condition known as Carpal tunnel syndrome which I suffer from. 


Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Humbug on a bed of roses

I was in a hotel and was packing my suitcase to leave. I was aware that I had to be out of my room by a certain time but couldn't remember when it was. 

I left the room and saw my wife and we started to walk around a run down housing estate. We were on a landing outside some empty flats and were saying how we would hate to live there. 

As we walked I could hear the song 'On a bed of roses', the 1993 hit for Bon Jovi. 
I looked over the balcony we were standing on and saw a massive field of yellow roses. Jumping up and down on them as if they were a trampoline, was Humbug, my Jack Russell dog. 


Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Ant and Dec's fried egg hoax

I appeared to be time travelling again last night, I'd walked into a room where everyone had 1970's bad hair and clothes but it was actually just how everyone dressed normally. 

This sparked an idea and I attempted to convince everyone I met that I was indeed from the future, telling them to keep it to themselves. I was in a field and told a woman that the two horses in there were also from the future and I had brought them there. 

Continuing with my hoax in a house I whispered to a woman my secret and she looked at me oddly. It's then I realised I had transformed into Deirdre Barlow from Coronation street. 

Lastly TV presenters Ant and Dec turned up and said they would help me continue to fool everyone into my time traveling hoax. 
They told me to watch a fried egg that they were frying in a pan. I stared at it intently. 

They then told me to pour cold water on the egg to stop it cooking, then to start cooking it again. All of which I did. 
It wasn't until I looked over at the pair, that I saw them laughing at me. Idiots! 


Monday, 20 January 2014

The messenger

A bit of a somber mood to last nights dream. My long departed dad appeared to me, which is always nice. 

He pointed to one of my mums neighbours, someone I've known all my life. He had his back to me and was walking away. 

He looked as if he was walking in the direction of his club. Dad said he was going away and that I'd never see him again. 
I started to cry saddened by this news but dad told me not to be sad and that he was happy and would be looked after. 


Sunday, 19 January 2014

Double date

I was with a friend but I couldn't see him, it was like when you are walking next to someone without looking at them. I didn't know who it was, just that they were my friend. 

He was on a blind date and we had to meet her on the hill outside Becontree underground station. Part way up the hill is a set of steps that go onto the estate. We stood across the road to these steps outside a building society. 

As we waited it became apparent to me that I was going to be in the way as only my friend was on the date. 
I asked him if he knew what his date looked like and he showed me a video on his phone. 

The video showed a group of women singing, 'Sunshine on a rainy day'. He told me she was one of the women but didn't kniw which one. I just replied, "Nice one mate". 

The song, was released in 1990 by British singer Zoe. 


Saturday, 18 January 2014

Baby Brian and Claire the privet

I was driving along the road and an accident ahead of me was blocking the way. I'd got out to investigate and found that a man had died of a heart attack and his wife who was driving their car at the time was in shock. 

The woman was massively obese and was still sat in the drivers seat. In the back was a child seat containung a small baby. I got into the passenger seat to comfort the woman and as I did she started to climb out. 

I got out also but as I did the weight of the woman tipped the car onto its side and it crushed her head on the road killing her instantly. Feeling a little responsible I took the baby out and decided I'd find it a new family. 

The baby to my surprise could walk and talk and told me he's name was Brian. As we walked away, Brian told me he was very grateful for my help and that I was a good person. 

I arrived at my mums house in the back garden and it was as it had been when I was a child. There used to be a seven foot privet hedge that had an archway cut in the middle of it where the path passed through it. 

As baby Brian and myself approached the privet, it moved and the face of my cousin Claire appeared, she was the privet. Claire told me that she had been having dreams about a man and asked if that meant she had to marry him. 

I then entered the house and went through vast corridors and about twenty doors to end up back in the garden again. Every time I went back in the same thing happened each time. 



Friday, 17 January 2014

Indian East end attack

Another dream where my brain was frantically attempting to wake me up to go to the toilet. 
This time it was set in a small corner shop run by an Indian family. 

I entered the shop and asked to use the toilet and a man pointed to the first floor. I could see the door to the toilet but couldn't work out how the get up there. 

There was a very high stack of chairs which I looked at and decided I could climb to access the upstairs. As I started to climb, two men started throwing chairs at me from above. 

As this happened the entire four walls of the shop, which had now turned into a library with books floor to ceiling, collapsed. The two men an hundreds of books piled up on top of me. 

I could then hear the theme tune to Eastenders and as I popped my head out from under the books, I saw my nan. She was watching TV in the corner of the room. I also noticed the toilet was now downstairs and I used it to great relief. 

My aunt Joansie then appeared and went outside and got into a red Royal Mail van. As I walked over towards her I still felt the need to go to the toilet.
Joansie said to me, "You still need to go to the toilet".  I woke from my dream in desperate need of a pee! 


Thursday, 16 January 2014

Drugs raid

I was part of an organised team cracking down on drug dealers. A detailed and carefully planned raid on several council estate houses was planned. 

One after the other we smashed down front doors to take the dealers by surprise and prevent them disposing of the drugs. But every time we entered a house, the occupants were calmly sitting as if they expected us. 

No drugs were found and this happened in every house. The guy in charge of the raids was very frustrated. 
The last house we entered was the same and as we left the woman living there winked at me and said, "Thanks for the tip off Maximus"! 

I was next outside my old house when a black taxi drove slowly past and hit my car. It pushed it along the street and into another black taxi. The Asian driver got out and starred to walk away. 

I chased him and asked him for his details as I was going to report it to my insurance company. The man was pretending that he forgot his address. 
My wife appeared and quoted the exact wording relating to the law on providing details after an accident. 

The man then agreed to provide them but wrote them down on a flattened runner bean. His scribble made no sense but I seemed happy with it and left. 

Lastly I was in a room with my wife and work supervisor Jimbo. I was watching a huge TV and was channel hoping. My wife told Jimbo that she had heard that his ex wife was coming to work with us soon. 

Jimbo then became very grumpy and turned the TV off and started to push a chest freezer around the room. He placed it over a stain on the carpet. When he placed it there, the exact same stain appeared from the carpet on the lid of the freezer. 


Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Gaffa tape and time travel

A bizarre series of events from last nights slumber starting with me getting up to go to the loo. I often get confused, thinking I'm actually awake at times until something indicates otherwise. 

I was standing about to pee when I looked down and saw that my penis was wrapped in black gaffa tape. I started to unwrap it but my right hand was made of soft plastic and started elongating. 

Using my left hand I pulled at my plastic hand and snapped it off, which I then dropped into the toilet pan along with the gaffa tape. Unfortunately my penis had also come off. 

I was next bending up a wire coat hanger in front of someone I didn't know. The man was fidgeting as he needed the toilet. I made the hanger into the shape of a car and handed it to him. As I did this it turned into car shaped toast dripping with butter. 

Lastly I had time traveled to 1976 and was in a large shopping centre with my nephew George. He was showing me around and I was confidently telling him which shops were going to do well in the future. 

We entered a Taylor's run by a large portly gentleman. George told me he worked there at weekends but had been sacked. 
I spoke to the owner who and was supremely confident in giving him investment tips for the future. He agreed to give George his job back. 

Just as he did this George popped his head around the door and said, "How can this be right, it's 1976, I shouldn't even be here?"  He had a point. 


Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Old man in a box

I was at a train station on the bridge that goes over the track watching the world go by. A freight train slowly went through which had two men on it throwing heavy boxes onto the platform. 

I looked below me and there was a massive cardboard box that I could see into as the top was open. Sat in the corner of the box was a sad looking old man. 

My wife then came along the platform carrying a stack of greenhouse glass. She lifted them above her head to drop them into the cardboard box. 
I shouted "Old man", as the glass dropped onto his head they turned into pillows. 

I then started to laugh uncontrollably, tears ran down my face and I couldn't stop. I woke up at this point actually laughing. 

Lastly I was selling my car to a school janitor and I knocked on the door and my work colleauge Ann opened the door. I asked her to fetch the janitor and she just looked at me as if I was asking her to jump off a cliff. 

She came back shortly after leading a black horse and handed the reins to me. I stared at her in bemusement and then the horse turned into a man. 


Monday, 13 January 2014

Dribbler and and jets

An odd mix last night, starting off with a small boy crying hysterically. 
I was trying to talk to the boy but he kept looking around wide eyed at the surroundings. I grabbed hold of his shoulders and shook him shouting at him to concentrate. 

He just cried more and his nose and mouth started to dribble, it was very unpleasant. In the end I let go of him as I was getting covered in dribble. 

I was next on a train carriage and I had hung my blue rucksack at one end on the connecting door but sat at the other end of the carriage. 

As the train moved along I could hear music. It was the 1974 song called 'Bennie and the jets', by Elton John. 

An announcer came over the tannoy saying that we had reached our destination and it was 12.15. 
I stood at the exit door and as it opened I looked up and saw my rucksack at the other end of the carriage. 

I ran to grab it and jumped off the train just before the doors closed. I then woke up. 



Sunday, 12 January 2014

Weddings, death and toast

I began the evening by being at a wedding. Friend and work colleague, Garath was presiding as the best man. 
He entered the room with a small piece of paper and approached the groom. 

He confidently spoke but I was too far away to hear. Whatever he said sent the room into hysterical laughter and Garath then moved over to the grooms father. Another small speach had the same affect with everyone crying with laughter. 

Next I was waiting for a recovery truck to arrive to remove a broken down car. The truck arrived and the driver handed me a card which I thought was paperwork relating to the recovery. When I examined it, it was a cleverly hand drawn 3D Christmas card. 

I thanked the driver and as an after thought, mentioned there was a dead man on the back seat of the car. 
The driver started to hook up the car but then drove off leaving the car and deceased man behind. 
Next I'm at work with Ghost and we are in a house but the occupants are not in. For an unknown reason I decide to make them some toast to take to them. 
I pop four slices of bread under the grill and wait for them to brown. 

I then find myself back at our work base and in a panic shout to Ghost I left the toast under the grill. Ghost shrugged his shoulders not even caring. I run back to the house just as an old couple arrive home. 

I inform them of the situation but they don't seem concerned but instead unload some goats from a pickup truck. 
I run in the house and extinguish the fire under the grill. 

Opening windows I notice lots of animals outside and excitedly go to see them. The couple place the goats into the field along with the array of other animals. 
As they do this, all the animals start to become merged and form weird mutant beasts. 

Chickens with cows heads, pigs with long fur and floppy ears all run around the field and I stare in bemusement at the spectical before my eyes. 


Saturday, 11 January 2014


A clear case of real life influencing my dreaming last night. 
I got up at 4am to have a tinkle and let the dog out too. When I was standing half asleep in the cold garden, my dog barked at a noise which seemed to come from a neighbours house. 

Back in bed I fell to sleep and started dreaming. I was in the garden again and investigating the source of the noise. I climbed through a bush that led into the next door neighbours garden. 

Here I found an old French man who was walking around in a small circle sniffing at the air. I called out to him but he totally ignored me. 
I then heard a sound from the house and opened the door and saw a man laying on the floor and the house was a mess. 

I shouted out, "Burglers! Come on you f**ckers!"  Unfortunately I shouted this out in my sleep waking my wife and dog in the process. Oops. 


Friday, 10 January 2014

Naked visitor

I was at home with my wife and for some reason our friend Siobhan was standing in the living room doing all our ironing. 

There was a knock at the front door and both my wife and Siobhan gave me a look that said 'get that'. I opened the front door and was met with a very attractive and very naked woman. 

As I took in the sight before me, the woman fainted and I caught her before she hit the floor. 
I walked into the living room with the woman in both arms, dropped her on my wife's lap and said, "I found this". 

I was next at my mums house and looking out of the living room window into the front garden. There was a round hole dug in the grass. 

I then saw a woman I didn't know approaching the house. She stepped straight down the hole and vanished. 
Somehow I knew she was dead. 


Thursday, 9 January 2014

Fishy baked beans

This morning I awoke in horror at what I'd just seen. I was in a restaurant waiting to be served my food. Something I've actually been doing a lot this week. 

As I approached  the cook complete with big paper hat, asked if I wanted fish or baked beans. As I hate fish I chose the beans. 

The cook handed me a bowl of baked beans and just as I took hold of the bowl he produced a massive wet dead fish and dunked it head first into my bowl. 

Such was my dismay at this I woke from my sleep shouting my displeasure.   
I really do hate fish. 


Wednesday, 8 January 2014

Saving a Hero

I appeared to be on some kind of movie set and involved in an action adventure film. It was full of elaborate explosions, burning buildings and I lept from a falling tower. 

As I landed I grabbed a metal pole and started smashing bad guys, swatting them like flies. 
Ahead of me I saw Justin from work, who I affectionately refer to as Hero. He was fighting bad guys too but a female assassin had a sword to his neck from behind. 

I withdrew my sword and dashed over to them. The female told me one false move and Hero was dead. Justin looked at me and said, "Do it Maximus". 

Like a shot I ran her through the neck with my sword dropping her to the floor. 
Justin winked, picked up his sword and carried on fighting. 

I was later sat in a room on a chair when Justin and a few others came in high on victory from the battle. 
I couldn't move and Justin approached me and found that I had been stabbed just above the heart and was bleeding. 
Justin said, "Thank you Maximus". 


Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Staple attitude

Always nice to dream about my dad, I really do miss him. I was at my mums house and it was late at night. 
Mum was going out but was sat half way up the stairs and had fallen asleep. 

I prodded her and she woke with a start. I said to her that I thought she was going out and it was as if she had suddenly remembered and she hurried upstairs. 

I walked out of the front door and into a pub. It had a massive long bar with just one person sat on a stall. I instantly recognised them as my dad and rushed over to him. He smiled, handed me a drink and all was good with the World. 

I was next in a street and it was very sunny. Along a wall was some wooden advertising boards and from behind them I could hear some lads shouting. 

Thinking they were up to no good I followed their shouting to the end of the boarding where two teenage lads popped out. I grabbed hold of them both. 

One of them started crying and was full of remorse. The other lad was acting very cocky and gave me serious attitude. I grabbed him round the neck and slammed him into a wall. I reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a staple gun. 

The boys expression changed when I started to smack him around the head with it. I threw it on the floor and crushed it by stamping on it. I then walked off. 


Monday, 6 January 2014

Go cart car

I was driving my car along a very narrow lane with high walls either side. The road was the width of the walls. 
To my left was a door which opened on its own. I turned into it and both my wing mirrors folded in as they hit the door frame. 

I expertly manoveoured my car through the gap and came out into a small car park. I looked for a space and got out of my car after reversing it. 

When I looked back at it, my car had no body but just a metal frame on wheels. It started rolling forwards on a slope so I clicked a lock on both front wheels like a supermarket trolley. 
I then found myself back in the narrow road outside the car park. 



Sunday, 5 January 2014

Frank Carson the assassin

I was playing snooker with entertainer Bobby Ball, one half of the so called comedy duo, Cannon and Ball. 
Bobby was being a complete idiot, clowning around as usual and generally being annoying. 

I had had enough of his fooling around and so walked away from the snooker table. To my annoyance Bobby started to follow me. When I looked at him walking along side me, he had turned into Irish comedian, Frank Carson. 

Frank asked where I was going and I told him I was going to my mums house. I informed Frank that I needed him to assinate my mums next door neighbour Bob. Frank agreed. 

Lastly I watching my friend Geoff running in slow motion in the sea. He was topless and had a mat of chest hair. He looked very serious. 


Saturday, 4 January 2014

Potato animals

The first half of my dreaming last night consisted of a large museum where I was visiting. Looking around, there were many stone slabs with strange writing on them. 

A woman approached me and offered to give me a guided tour. I accepted her kind offer. She then scooped me in her arms and started flying through the air. 
As we passed all the stone slabs she started reading them, translating them from Latin. 

The second half of my dream involved my wife. She was asking me what I was doing but I was telling her not to approach me. She kept questioning me why I wouldn't let her see what I was doing. 

She then just walked up to me and stared in bemusement. 
I had hundreds of potatoes that I had carved into different animals. My wife's look of bemusement changed to horror as I started to cut the heads off the animals. 

She shouted to stop and I explained that I was making the dinner. She seemed happy with this explanation. 


Friday, 3 January 2014

MI5 and magic rollerblades

I began a full nights dreaming by receiving counselling for mental health problems. At least I'm sure it was a dream. 
I had become upset during the session and my work colleague Sarah took me out of the room to comfort me. 

She led me into a hall and we sat at a table along with some other females. Instead of talking to me Sarah watched as the females got up and started reharsing a dance routine. 
When I looked at Sarah she had turned into Cheryl Cole and the other females were the rest of Girls Aloud. 

Next I was following my wife as we broke into the headquarters of MI5. She expertly picked the lock and we crept around avoiding the security gaurds. 
Up on the first floor we passed through a long corridor that had old paintings hung on the walls. They were either half finished or in broken frames. 

We peered around a door to see three MI5 agents asleep. They were all identical, wearing black clothing with mirror sunglasses. We took them by surprise and handcuffed them all before they knew what had happened. 

Suddenly water started to rise from the floor and I was running as floods of water started to fill the room. My wife managed to escape but I was stuck running through the building to avoid drowning. 

I reached a dead end and looked back as a huge wave approached me. At my feet on the floor was a pair of roller blades, I picked them up and they flashed flourescant blue. I put them on and was able to skate up the wall and out through the roof escaping the oncoming water. 

Lastly I was in a garden cutting back trees and bushes. I stood on a tree branch but it gave way and snapped. Where the branch had broken, water shot out like a broken water pipe. 

I then saw Tom from work, he was looking for two people that had committed a crime and was shouting out for them. He then decided that the best way to apprehend them was to put an advert on the radio. 

I switched on a radio and heard Tom shouting out their names telling them to give themselves up. It didn't work!


Thursday, 2 January 2014

DIY church

Along with my wife we were at the site of an abandoned church that had fallen into disrepair. Inches from it a huge oak tree had fallen only just missing the old building. 
We were discussing renovating it had to climb the fallen tree to gain access. 
Once inside we found that water was pouring in through the roof and that vandals had ripped everything of value out. 

Deciding that it was far too big a project we went home and as my wife was drying her hair in the bedroom I went to see our guinea pigs. When I looked in their hutch the warm air from my wife's hair dryer was blowing in my face. 

I went into the bedroom and sent her to the other room while I turned on the hair dryer. As I did this Andy from work came in the room, laid on the bed and said, "I'm going to get the sack because I stole a phone"

I switched off the hair dryer as my wife came back in the room and she shouted, "How weird is that!" 


Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Beep beep

Was on a bicycle in a city centre but one that I didn't know. Everywhere seemed to be full of one way streets and complicated road signs. 

As I tried to negotiate the roads an old couple were slowly walking in front of me. Each time I tried to get past them, one of them moved, blocking my path. 

I saw a gap and pedelled hard to scoot around them but drove into a building site. As I entered I saw a man up on some scaffolding. The lights in the building went out for a split second. 

When the lights resumed, the man on the scaffold was gone and I was back outside in the street behind the old couple!
Happy new year. 

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