Friday, 28 February 2014

Wave of enthusiasm

To the background music of Tom Jones singing, 'Green grass of home', I was sat at my living room window, waving. 

Not at anything or anyone in particular, just random arm waving with a huge grin on my face. I looked a little simple. As if the more complex issues in life wouldn't be a concern to me. 

Green grass of home is about a man about to be executed for murder. 


Thursday, 27 February 2014


I thought I was laying awake in bed chatting to my wife. We were gossiping about various people at work and generally catching up on the days events. 

I turned over to have a drink and noticed it was 03.45. I looked back at my wife who was sound asleep. 

I was rudely awoken by my alarm this morning. In my head was the song Mystify, by INXS. 


Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Missing Stanley

I was with my with my work colleauge Rich and he had taken a man to the police station who he had found with a Stanley knife

We went into a room and found our other work mate, Matt who was folding some paper on a desk. Upon closer inspection, he had made the sheet of paper into a bat, with flapping wings. He waved it around like a child with a toy aeroplane. 

The man with the knife was locked up and Rich went off home. As I was about to leave, a police officer asked me where the knife was as it was needed as evidence. 

I searched the police station from top to bottom but couldn't find it anywhere. The police were very unhappy. 


Tuesday, 25 February 2014

The games up

I was firstly preparing for a camping trip with my father in law and he'd asked me to buy some petrol. I filled a couple of plastic containers from a petrol pump and was informed it cost £83. 

I didn't appear to have any cash and so I paid for the fuel using bottles of my own urine, which the attendant happily accepted. 

Next I had entered a shop and was chatting to the female shop assistant. I convinced her to walk with me, promising that I could transport her through time and space. 

Entering a building site and hiding out of site of everyone I told her that it would only work if she kissed me. She went for this and to my surprise we were suddenly in my mums back garden. 

Lastly I was watching an American police officer walking through the airport customs with a female and a white coloured Bulldog. 
The pair looked nervously around them as they walked out of the airport. 

Then, stepping off an elevator, was 1970's TV sleuth, Columbo. Dressed in his trademark brown Mac and smoking a cigar, he called out, "The games up". 

The cop ran along the crowded city street and was persued by more cops. He pulled out his gun but before he could take aim, he was shot down by a hail of bullets. 


Monday, 24 February 2014

Death mask

I had an odd sensation of laying awake in bed but dreaming at the same time. 
I was fully aware of everything around me but with my eyes shut I could see images. 

The main image was a deep purple sky set over rolling hills, clouds blew past making it a spectacular scene. 

As I watched the the brilliant sky a person appeared in front of me. They had a long hooded robe on with the hood covering their head. 

The person walked towards me and as the faced me I saw the face beneath the hood. It was a skeleton with its jaw open, giving it a look as it was screaming.  

It looked like the ghost of Christmas yet to come from the 1970 musical version of Scrooge. 



Sunday, 23 February 2014

Cafe London

I was on a boat to London. One of those passenger cruise ships that you see on the river Thames. 
When I arrived at my destination, I got off and entered a riverside cafe and sat inside. 

There was a set of automatic sliding glass doors from the pier into the cafe and I sat watching people come and go. 

I then realised I was in France and my brain subconsciously then turned everyone in the cafe into stereotypical French people, wearing black and white tops with a beret and necklace of onions. 

I then was controlling the automatic door with a button on the table. When someone approached I closed the door in their face. This amused me for hours. 


Saturday, 22 February 2014


On very rare occasions I have nothing but a song in my head when I wake. Having had such a deep sleep that nothing more has taken place in my slumber. 

This morning, the 1993 hit, Prey from Take That reverberates in my head. 
I just looked at the video of it, oh dear! Waxed chests and self loving on a beach, found it all a little cringy. 


Friday, 21 February 2014

Wall of pork

I can't actually recall anything other than I was building a wall for what seemed the entire time I was asleep. 

No ordinary brick wall however, I was making it out of pigs. They were all alive but seemed very amenable to being used as pork bricks. 

Every now and again I would stand back to admire my work. It grunted and tiny piggy eyes blinked at various heights in the wall. Of course my OCD made sure that they were all facing forwards and were in line. 


Thursday, 20 February 2014

Illiterate gamer

I was dreaming that I picked up a book and read it at super fast speed. Flicking through the pages like a human Johnny 5. Impressed by my new found talent, I started reading books by the dozen within minutes. 
I then still in my dream realised it was a dream and told myself I was illiterate. 

Next I was watching a man run around a street, his movements were a little robotic. I glanced down at my hands and I was holding a PS3 controller. I then was able to control the man. I made him walk up to another man and push him down a set of steps. 

Lastly I was in the office at work sat next to a supervisor called Mick. My phone rang and I handed it to him. He just ended the call and shook his head. 

It rang again and I was told there was a man with a knife running around in the street. I bolted down the stairs passing my friend Lee-Ann on the way. She smiled and said, "Beans". 

Reaching my van I noticed that someone else had blocked my drivers door by parking too close. I had to climb through the passenger side. As I got in the drivers seat, the car blocking my door pulled out. I banged my steering wheel and swore. 


Wednesday, 19 February 2014

Nice wheels

I was at work with Kallum and as I'd been the last one in, the only vechile left was a Ford Tranist Connect. Kallum was laughing about it, I was a little upset at this and reversed it into a tree. 

As we drove around, we entered a factory where Kallum said his dad worked. He excitedly looked out for his dad but he wasn't there. 

We got out of the van at the bottom of a huge ladder. Kallum ran up it and stood at the top beckoning me up. I took a run and jump but all the runs of the ladder vanished as I did this. 

I fell to the floor and then felt a tap on my shoulder. It was David, my neighbours Son from when I was a child. David helped me to the top climbing with me. 

When I reached the top, I looked out over a football pitch with a game taking place. I couldn't get past the crowd and so stood and watched the game. 


Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Christmas jumper

Under the stairs at my mums house was a dog crate. I crawled on my hands and knees to get to it. Inside it was a tiger, somehow it had managed to fit inside. The beast filled the crate as if it had been poured in as liquid and then set. There was no way it was getting out again. 

Next I was on an island holiday resort. I wandered across a golden sandy beach and found a dirty workshop. I asked the man there if he had a neddle and Cotten as I had a hole in the knee of my work overalls. 

Finally I bumped into Tom from work in the rear car park. He asked me to put a fixing onto the end of some coax Ariel cable. I stared to strip back the outer plastic coating of the cable but kept slicing all of the cable right through. 

Eventually I had reached the other end of the cable that Tom was holding. I kept cutting it until I looked and I had cut off the sleeve of Tom's jumper he was wearing. It was brown and had a Christmas reindeer on the front. 

Tom was very upset so I said I would give him the cost of the jumper. When he told me he paid £35 for it I laughed. He looked like he was going to cry. 


Monday, 17 February 2014

Keep on loving you

I was in a supermarket with my wife and as we walked out into the shopping centre, there were two tents pitched up outside. 

My wife excitedly shouted, "Golf equipment!" We looked inside the tents and they were full of bird seed. 

As we exited the shopping centre I could hear the song, 'Keep on loving you'. The 1980 hit from REO Speedwagon. 


Sunday, 16 February 2014


A brief dream from today involving a manager from work called Dom. He was actually coming into work when I left this morning and had a bandage on his hand. 

In my dream he was playing basketball with his hand in plaster. I was watching from the side line as he clumsily bounded around the court. 
A man with his leg completely plastered from hip to toe ran onto the court. It was dark blue in colour. 

Watching them hobble around I decided that as I was not injured, I could take advantage and win the game. 
I ran on but as soon as I did, I couldn't see. I ran around blind bumping into the two plastered men.  


Saturday, 15 February 2014

Shoot up, throw up

I was playing Call of Duty Ghosts on the PS3 but I was actually in the game. I had full combat gear on and was armed to the teeth. Shooting my way through the game, killing anyone that moved. 

As I continued around the war zone, I started to feel sick. The feeling rose up from the pit of my stomach until it became urgent that I found a toilet. 

Holding my assault rifle I kicked in the door to a public toilet and entered the third of three cubicles. 
I lifted the lid to the pan and unleashed the contents of my stomach. 

This woke me up with a start, both my hands were tingerling with pins and needles. 


Friday, 14 February 2014

Family gathering

Along with my wife we were in my car driving along a street. As I passed a junction I noticed a car sitting waiting to turn out. When I looked at the driver it was my great aunt and my nan in the passenger seat. 

I stopped and excitedly started to wave at them. They both looked how they did over 30 years ago and when they saw me waving, they smiled and waved back. 

Standing on the corner next to the car was my cousin David and my dad. We both jumped out of the car and ran over to my dad. My wife never met my dad as he had passed away before we met. So I was so happy that they could meet. 

My dad hugged my wife and laughed and beemed a huge smile. He then started to fade, his skin turned grey and he physically began to vanish before us. He stopped smiling and I knew I was dreaming. The whole scene started to disappear and I woke from my sleep feeling saddened. 


Thursday, 13 February 2014

Giants and Killer cows

I found myself in Central London, I was a giant of a man, towering above everyone. 
At times it was as if I was walking around a model village, delicately stepping between tiny people. 

I stood on an escalator and as I descended, the person ahead of me didn't move and I got closer to them as the stairs moved. The man in front grew bigger as I neared him, eventually he was taller than me. He made me look like a miniature person. 

I stepped back into the street and I was my normal size again. I could hear George from work calling out, "Max where are you". I couldn't see him, I looked around and saw a street sign it said, Oxford Street. 

I made my way into a tower block which had a spiral staircase and I exited into the roof where I saw an old man wearing my dressing gown. He warned me about a herd of killer cows outside. 

Upon going outside I found my dog Humbug running around, infact there were lots of Humbugs, all jumping around excitedly.  I laughed as the man still shouted warnings not to approach the deadly killer cows. 


Wednesday, 12 February 2014

Leicester prison

Another dream involving an appearance by my mum, minus the hair rollers this time. 
I was in the city of Leicester with my mum and my wife. There was a market in the centre and we were just wandering around. 

We tried to leave the market via small alleys and narrow passageways but they all had barbed wire across them. It was as if the market was enclosed like a prison. 

Eventually after several attempts to leave, we tipped toed over some wire and escaped. Walking into a run down building. Inside we found three cats looking thin, hungry and unloved. 

Without thought I scooped one up and said, "We are taking these home". We left each holding a cat. My wife just smiled at me. 


Tuesday, 11 February 2014

Royal Hilda

I was in my mums living room, sat on the sofa next to the Queen. My mum walked in with her hair in rollers. 

She held up a set of knitted wigs on a length of string, each was a different colour. Mum asked us which colour would suit her best. 

I pointed out that she resembled soup opera star Hilda Ogden from Coronation Street with her rollers in. With this the Queen broke out into hysterics. Her laugh was uncontroable and she snorted. 

It became infectious and both mum and myself started laughing too. I'm sure I was laughing out loud in my sleep. 


Monday, 10 February 2014

That there London

I was in London and surrounded by people, that many people that we were standing shoulder to shoulder. 
As far as the eye could see, were massive crowds of people. 

Standing next to me was my dad and my wife. The two most important people in my life. One person started to sing and was shortly joined by a second and a third. Before long it started to spread like a Mexican wave and everyone was singing. 

As quick as it had started, the singing stopped and the crowd started to disperse and walk away. I then noticed my dad and wife were gone. 
I ran pushing through the people trying to find them. 

I found my wife and she held my hand. I said that dad was missing and she just smiled and said it was just the two of us now. I seemed to understand and we wandered off home. 


Sunday, 9 February 2014

Fake death

I was laying explosive charges by fixing them to a large blanket. I some how glued them to all four corners, placed the blanket over my head and waited for it to explode. 

My plan was to fake my own death but the reason I was attempting this was unclear. After sitting under the blanket for ages with nothing happening, I gave up. 

I was next in a dark building, none of the lights were working and I fumbled my way around. My eyes adjusted after a while and a man was suddenly standing in front of me. 

Startled by his presence I expertly took him to the floor in an arm lock. I held him there and I heard a voice in my ear tell me I was breaking his arm. I eased off a bit. But there was no one else around. 

I then switched from my position of holding the man, to pushing him out of the building in a wheelchair. My wife was walking next to me. 


Saturday, 8 February 2014

Home to die

Two very brief parts to last night, the first being that I accidentally fired a shotgun into the stomach of an old man. 

He was surprisingly fine about the fact he was about to die, saying that accidents happen and I shouldn't blame myself. As he held his stomach to stop his innards spilling out, he even managed a smile. 

All he asked me as he took his final few breaths was that I took him home to die in the comfort of his own home. It's the least I could do. 

When I got to his house, the old man vanished and singer Paul Weller was there. Paul used some clippers to crop my hair but they ran out half way through leaving me looking stupid. 

Oddly whilst getting ready for work this morning my electric razor ran out half way through my shave! 


Friday, 7 February 2014

Oi Oi London bus

I was with friend and work colleauge Suki last night. He arrived driving a red London double decker bus. As he pulled up he lent out of the window and shouted,"Oi Oi!"

He handed me the keys and told me I had to drive it back to London and collect passengers. 
I sat in the drivers seat and everywhere turned completely black dark. There were no lights outside or in the bus, I couldn't even see my hands in front of me. 

I was next watching my dog washing Merlin, one of our cats by licking him. They were in the garden so I went to find my wife so show her. 
I found her in the shed at the workbench doing man jobs. I was slightly put out that she had ventured into my man cave. 


Thursday, 6 February 2014

Naked Spitfire

I was at work and had been chosen by my supervisor Mike to help him with constructing an Airfix model of a World War II Spitfire plane. 

Sat with Mike all night painstakingly constructing the model, I was bored to tears. After an entire night, we had only put two sides together, but Mike was very happy. 

A work colleauge called Dave came in the next day and was laughing at the pitiful progress we had made. After chatting for a while we noticed Mike had gone missing. Our boss, Nick arrived and demanded to know where Mike had gone. 

We all three searched the building for him and finally entered the last room that we hadn't checked and found Mike corvorting with two female colleagues, all of them were naked. 

Nick went ballistic at him and instantly sacked him. Mike was very update at being caught but all he could say was, "Make sure you finish the Spitfire". 


Wednesday, 5 February 2014

Full metal bucket

I was sat a very long bar in a busy pub. There was only one barman and he was flat out trying to serve everyone. 
I was just about to give up trying to get a drink when I was aware someone had sat on the stool next to me. 

They immediately got the attention of the barman who came over and asked what he would like. 
I instantly recognised the voice as my dad. I excitedly turned to see his smiling face. He winked at me. I was very happy. 

I was next walking towards a hotel to stay there. I was carrying two metal buckets and two metal watering cans. They were hard to carry and negotiate through doors. 

The hotel owner showed me to my room and I clattered and bashed my way along the corridors to the room. 
As I was shown around the accommodation I still continued to bash the metal containers against everything. 

It wasn't until I tried to put them down onto the bed that I realised they were fused to my body and were my hands! 


Tuesday, 4 February 2014

Midget serial killer

I was walking along a street in my home town of Dagenham in Essex with Kallum from work. We were approached by a Smart car that contained a midget who was disabled and on a drip. With him was Piers Morgen. 

Piers told us we all had to go to Germany to take the midget to a specialist hospital. We arrived at the airport and Piers started to mock Kallums boy band style haircut. 

Reaching Germany, which happened without even flying on a plane, we walked through the airport directly into a hospital. There were beds everywhere and hospital staff going crazy. 

All the beds had severed body parts in them and I ran frantically between them not knowing what to do. A nurse started shouting at me in German but I had no idea what she was saying. 

I then felt a sharp pin prick in my hand and turned to see the disabled midget had taken his drip out and injected it into me. He gave an evil smile and said, "Your turn to die now". 

I realised that I instead of helping a sick person, I had been tricked into taking a serial killer midget to more victims. 


Monday, 3 February 2014

Alien gas attack

Walking along a high street, I was suddenly aware of a chemical gas attack. I ran immediately into a branch of Barclays Bank and shut the door. 

I shouted to the staff to close all doors and windows and reverse the air conditioning to extract the air out. We then stood and watched as everyone else in the street died. 

I knew we couldn't go outside for a while so to entertain myself I played a penny push slot machine that took up an entire wall. I then went into a back office and found a baby. 

I placed the baby into a draw and then walked out into the street. Stepping over hundreds of dead bodies I saw a car with people moving inside it. In the front seat was Naomi from work. She was laying with her legs over the head rest upside down. 

Wondering why she had lived through the gas attack I prodded her leg to see if she was real. Her skin immediately burnt my finger and she started laughing. 
Looking around me I saw other people walking towards my direction. 

They were all zombie like and were trying to touch me to burn my skin. I started running and woke up before I was caught. 


Sunday, 2 February 2014

Million pound toilet

I was being shown around a building site by a man I didn't know. He wanted me to remove something from the toilets before work started in that area. 

We went into a basement and found the toilets which were in a mess. The man turned and said to me, "There's a lot of cash hidden in there, remove it all and you get a cut". 

I looked under a cubicle door and could see plastic rapped parcels. 
I pulled one out and it was full of cash. The man said it contained £100,000 and it was mine. Looking further up there were hundreds of parcels. 

I was finally in my garden and had fallen over and was laying face down. My wife turned up and ignoring the fact I was on the floor said that she off to see my nan. As she left she shouted back for me to look after the children. 

As we don't have any children I looked around confused. Even more so when I saw that we appeared to have two small black boys? 


Saturday, 1 February 2014

Wild cats

I'd got up to go to the toilet in the night which is situated next to the back door into the garden. 
As I reached the bathroom, I opened the back door instead of the bathroom and stepped into the cold. 

I then realised it daly light and that both our house cats were making a bid for freedom. They ran out, one hiding under the shed and the other disappearing into the distance. 

As I was watching them vanish I could hear a song playing. 
It was 'Dancing in the city' a hit by Marshall Hain in 1978. 


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