Thursday, 30 April 2015

Missing horse

I was on a train with my ex brother in law, Richard. He was actually driving it and I was a rear seat passenger. On reflection, it was proberly a car but in my dream I was thinking it was a train. 

After a while the train stopped suddenly and became silent. Richard informed me that the clutch had gone and he needed recovering. I thought this odd to happen on a train. 

Next I had attended the field where my horses are kept to find the gate was open and hundreds of other horses had wandered in and started eating the lush grass. 

I ran around checking every horse but mine had gone, I started to panic as I couldn't locate him. 
He was nowhere to be seen.  


Wednesday, 29 April 2015

Next door noise

I was living at my mums house and I could hear very loud music coming from next door. I went to check on it and met David, who used to live there possibly 20 years ago. He still looked the same. 

He said it was him playing the music and asked if he should turn it down. I told him it was fine and went back into my mums. 

When I entered the front door, the hallway had vanished and there were just stairs. I walked up and found that I now lived in a bedsit with two rooms. 

One was the kitchen and the other was a bedroom. I immediately noticed the lack of a bathroom. I looked out of the bedroom window and it looked straight into another house. 

Walking around in the house was my old neighbour David. I could still hear his music. 


Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Severed hands

Very briefly dropped into a dream prior to waking up this morning and it was a slightly alarming experience. I had my pins and needles in both hands which normally causes me to dream that I can't feel them and hold them out in front of my face. 

I was doing this and looking at them before me when they were suddenly hit with a blunt object and cut straight off. I screamed out loud only to wake and see my wife holding my wrists and looking at me. 

She explained that I was screaming like a girl in my sleep holding my hands out. I'm sure it was a very manly battle type of cry and she was very mistaken. 


Monday, 27 April 2015

Downhill pee

I was at a private school, I was a child also and not an adult as I mainly dream I am. I think I was around 10 years old. The entire school was girls only and I really stood out as the only boy, I was walking around trying to blend in but this was impossible as everyone was starring at me. 

As I walked past a closed door, it flew open suddenly and I was jumped by a group of teachers. They pushed me onto the floor and started punching and kicking me. I recall thinking that private education wasn't for me. 

I was next entering a sports day and wanted to win the 100 metres race. I did this by entering my dog Humbug in my place. He left everyone standing and easily won. To my surprise, I was awarded a medal as the winner. 

Lastly, and this is clearly me needing the toilet before I woke up, I was at the top of a very steep drop. It was virtually a vertical drop and made of rusty sheet metal. I had a watering can and when I poured it down the slope, it contained my wee. As I poured I felt relief from needing the toilet, I then saw Yane from work walking up the slope. 

He walked from the bottom as if it was horizontal, he did it with ease. Unfortunately for him, he was walking in my wee. 


Sunday, 26 April 2015

Electric flip flops

I was at my mums house when we were children, only I was an adult, I also appeared to have a twin brother who was hoovering the living room carpet. 
It was Christmas time and we had all opened our presents. I had received possibly the best gift ever, or at least I thought so. 

I excitedly showed it off to everyone in the room, my twin continued hoovering. I had just the two soles of a pair of shoes, I stood in them and pushed a button on the side of the sole. With that they made a electric robotic sound and converted into trendy flip flops. 

Another push of the button and they folded away again and I could step out of the soles. I kept on demonstrating them to the assembled family members who were totally unimpressed. 



Saturday, 25 April 2015

Friday, 24 April 2015

Slim shady parking ticket

I was driving a London black Hackney carrage taxi, it was night time and I pulled over as I heard a noise coming from the back wheel. Upon inspection, I saw that the mud guard was loose and rubbing on the wheel. I was happy it was nothing drastic. 

As I was about to get back in my taxi, when rapper Emenim appeared looking very serious and he veiwed my mud gaurd hanging loose. He then pulled out a note pad and started to write me a ticket. I protested at this and he said, "It's a clear traffic violation man, you're getting a fine". 

I looked over my shoulder and saw work colleague, Panksy standing there. I looked at him for some support and he just shook his head and said, "Mate you're bang to rights, what can I say". 
Yeah cheers Panksy! 


Thursday, 23 April 2015

Santa's Mop & the milk shower

Lots going on last night, starting off with me being in total darkness in my nan's back garden. So black was the darkness that I could only find my way via outstretched arms, I felt my way past the apple and pear trees that were my goalposts when I was a child. 

I continued to negotiate my way around the entire garden without falling or bumping into anything, I did this for hours. 
I then saw my wife in my mums living room, she said hello to me and I asked her why she was being so horrible to me. Unsurprisingly, she looked confused. 

Next my work colleague Huggy arrived, he was dressed as Santa Claus but his hair and beard were made out of a mop head. It was one of the old style mops with the woolly sheep look about it. 
He was laughing and handing out presents. 

I was given a gift which was a big toy yellow double decker bus, I was delighted with it and started pushing it around the floor making 'broom broom' sounds. Huggy just kept laughing. 

Lastly I was in the shower at home, I had the plug in so the water was up to my ankles. I was drinking a large glass of milk and every time I took a swig from the glass, milk poured from the shower head. I looked down and the bath water was totally white. 


Wednesday, 22 April 2015

Write this down

As often happens when I'm dreaming, I make a conscious effort to make a few notes on my phone to help jog my memory the following morning. This works perfectly well mostly, however there are the odd occasions when I have a clear memory of writing notes and have nothing to show for it. 

Either I'm writing them down and the sleep fairy are removing them during the night or as is most likely the case, I'm dreaming that I'm writing notes and not actually doing it. 

This was what happened last night as I made several notes but have nothing this morning. 


Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Prison and fags

Along with my wife we had visited a young lad in a youth offending prison, not sure why he was there but as we left we ushered him in between us so that the staff didn't notice. We managed to get all the way outside of the prison without being detected. 

We got home and put on the TV to see the news showing CCTV images of me walking away from the prison. The news item mentioned the police wishing to locate the male shown on the CCTV to help them with their enquires into an escaped inmate. 

Next I was in bed and not sure if I was awake or not, it was that time when you want to look at the clock but think it's too early to be awake. I was pondering this when I saw my friends, Darren & Lou standing at the end of the bed. 

Darren was holding hundreds of cigarettes from the duty free and was asking if I wanted to buy any. I looked at Lou and she also had handfuls of cigarettes. She said, "Do you want to buy any my lovely?"  

Then a small boy entered the room, he was about 2 or 3 and spoke with as if he was an adult. My Aunt Joan then walked in and said that the boy was her nephew, which is odd because I am. Darren and Lou were still standing there holding out packets of cigarettes in the hope I'd buy some.  



Monday, 20 April 2015


A very disturbing encounter last light with me dreaming that my mouth had an infection. I could see a lump next to one of my top teeth and could feel a slight discomfort from it. 

I looked into a mirror and lightly pressed the lump, from behind the tooth came a massive amount of yellow puss. It fell into the sink it a round shape the size of a tennis ball. I looked back in the mirror in horror just in time to see the same amount fall from my mouth again. 

Feeling fairly sick at the sight of the yellow goo flowing out of my teeth, I was almost sick and started retching. Finally it stopped and the lump was gone. Most unpleasant. 




Sunday, 19 April 2015

Brooklyn no no

Oddly I was staring in an episode of Brooklyn 99 but I was myself and all of the other characters were present. The guy who plays Charles Boyle was drunk and telling me how he loved the actress who plays Gina. 

I thought that I would get this recorded and got out an old cassette tape recorder and got his confession recorded. 

The next day we were all at the police station and I stood up and announced that Charles had a confession to make. 

I pressed play and the recording was blank. Charles stood on his chair and said, "Gina, I don't love you". 

In a bizarre coincidence, today is international cassette day. 


Saturday, 18 April 2015

Friday, 17 April 2015

Sledge hammer

Really unusually for me I lay in bed unable to sleep, normally I'm out like a light when my head hits the pillow. This was starting to concern me after hours of laying there tossing and turning. It just isn't me to not be able to sleep. 

The worry ended rather abruptly when whilst staring at the ceiling, a massive sledge hammer swung down and hit me in the face. 
I had been dreaming the whole time that I couldn't sleep as I clearly do not have a comical oversized hammer hanging from my ceiling. 



Thursday, 16 April 2015

Hogmanay without a view

My wife and myself were in the grounds of a Scottish castle for the Hogmanay celebrations, which if you are unaware of this, is the New Year festivities in Scotland. Our host was an elderly gentleman dressed in a tweed suit. 

We were in a booth type area with a table set for dinner and other people were both sides of us in their own booths. The host proudly announced that directly above our table on the floor above was a great vantage point to see the castle and fireworks at midnight. 

The host then shouted out that it was midnight and wished everyone a happy new year. The clock said it was 23.50! We all started to move off up some stirs to get our vantage point and we followed behind two women, I noticed that they were topless. 

When we got to the room above, our so called view of the castle wasn't there, the room had no windows! The host once again shouted out happy new year. It was still only 23.55! 



Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Goldie the master criminal

I had entered a large hall that was full of people, sat in the middle of the room was Goldie who was dressed in a rabbit onesie, complete with ears and a bunny tail. Goldie was smiling and looking rather smug. 

Someone next to me informed me that a large mansion had been burgled nearby and the they had got away with millions. Someone sounded out, "We know you did it Goldie!"  With that several people jumped on him and started pinning him to the floor. 

Whilst this was going on, Goldie laughed out loud, I pulled out a child's plastic pistol and walked over and placed it against his head. All the time Goldie kept laughing, I pulled the trigger and it made a pathetic click sound and nothing else happened. 

Someone unzipped the back of the rabbit onesie and pulled out various speakers, phones and I pods  Goldie was bang to rights but still he kept on laughing. 
He was taken away and I walked out into the car park. 

As I went to leave, a fat boy about 10 years old was sneaking out of the property, under his arm was a huge bag containing millions in cash. It twigged with me that this was why Goldie was laughing, his rabbit onesie was clearly a diversion so his sidekick could escape with the cash.  


Tuesday, 14 April 2015

The Balcony bar

I was looking for a nightclub that was called the Balcony bar, I knew it was on a first floor of a building and I entered a block of flats. When I reached the first floor I was indeed on a balcony and next to it was a door that had 'The Balcony bar', written on it in felt pen. 

I pushed the door and it opened, as I entered I immediately saw that I was in someone's apartment and there was nothing that resembled a bar or club. I walked into a living room and found a woman sat in a chair. 

I asked her where the club was and she just smiled at me and offered me a seat, as I sat down a Spanial dog jumped up onto my lap and started licking my face. I started giggling and this made the dog more excited and I had my face washed. 


Monday, 13 April 2015

Sold my life

Along with my wife I was in the street outside our house. My wife asked me where my car was, I was very pleased with myself as I'd just sold it. 
I proudly explained that I had got a good price for it, I was boasting about this when it suddendly dawned on me that I'd not emptied the car of my stuff before selling it. 

I said to my wife, "Oh no, my whole life was in the glovebox!"  My wife also pointed out to me that I now didn't have a car as I'd not got a replacement for mine!


Sunday, 12 April 2015

Living in a box

I could see a cardboard box in front of my eyes, it was inches away from my nose and I tried to move my eyes to see past it but it was all surrounding. 

I then attempted to move my hands but they were totally numb and non responsive. My toes had some feeling in them and I raised them only to kick cardboard. 

I came to the conclusion, I was inside of a box and unable to get out. As I contemplated my fate, I opened my eyes and saw that I was in bed and my hands had pins and needles. 


Saturday, 11 April 2015

Rock climbing & burgers

I was going to watch a cricket match, I know I was dreaming because I hate cricket. I needed a good vantage point in which to view the game, or is it called a match?  Who cares really. I found a huge rock on the edge of the cricket pitch and climbed it. 

On the top of the rock, I had an impressive view of the field and started to tweet pictures to George from work to try and make him jealous. It didn't work because I couldn't get a mobile signal on my phone. 

As I stood a top of my vantage point, my wife arrived in a burger van and parked it at the foot of the rock. She opened up the side shutter and waited for customers. None came and after a long period of waiting for the cricket match to start, I realised that nothing was happening. 


Friday, 10 April 2015

Sticky tongue

I was dreaming that I was asleep and once again could see myself, my wife shook me to wake me up and I tried to talk to her but I was only able to make inaudible grunting sounds. The reason for this was my tongue had been stuck down with cello tape to the inside of my mouth. 

I tried again to speak but sounded as if I had a serious speech impediment. I reached into my mouth and peeled the cello tape off which was very painful and I screamed out at the discomfort it caused me. 

Next I was walking along a street at night and saw a shed at the edge of a front garden to a house. I pulled a screwdriver from my pocket and and removed the screws from the hinges. With the door removed I placed it under my arm and continued along the street. 

I was attempting to look inconspicuous as I walked along, as inconspicuous as you can carrying a shed door. Amazingly, no one took any notice of me and I managed to make good my escape with my stolen door. 


Thursday, 9 April 2015

Anyone for coffee?

I could oddly see myself sleeping in bed, I appeared to be on the ceiling looking down at myself. I was a little fidgety anyway due to a slight tooth ache, but I watched as I tossed and turned in the bed. 

I couldn't see my wife sleeping next to me but knew she was there before I fell asleep. I was then nudged in the ribs by her, she was next to me on the ceiling. She asked me if I wanted a cup of coffee, I told her that I thought we were out of coffee. 

She then handed me a miniature jar of Costa Rica roast coffee, it had a purple label but was the size of one of those tiny jam pots you get in the supermarket. I'd have been lucky to get one cup out of it. 
I then glanced back at myself in bed and saw that I was sat up drinking a cup of coffee. 


Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Hung out to dry

I was on a washing line, naked and pegged by my shoulders to the line. I was in the middle of a large field. 

I hung there, gently swaying in a light summers breeze. All was silent and I was very calm and content. 

That's all that happened and I was hanging there for what seemed hours. 


Tuesday, 7 April 2015

Curry night

I had been invited to a curry night by my work colleague, Rich. I wasn't sure of his cooking skills and so I didn't know what to expect. 

I arrived at his flat but noticed it was my old flat that I first moved into in London. A fat man opened the door who I didn't know. The hallway was much longer than I remembered it. 

The fat guy said he had just finished redecorating the bathroom. I took a look and he had installed an elaborate concertina style shower screen. I was very impressed. 

I walked further along the hallway and into a large dining room. There was a big table in the centre of the room and my old neighbour, Sue was sat at one end. 

Rich entered with a tray of food, I keenly went over to see what curry he had cooked and he had prepared fruit. I looked at Rich and my face just said, 'WTF'. 

The tray contained carved strawberries and melon made into various animals. Rich was very proud of his efforts and had a broad smile. I just said, "Where's the curry dude?"


Monday, 6 April 2015

Cross dressing bus ride

Not going into too much detail here, but I was on the top deck of double decker bus. It was packed and I was sat on a double seat on my own. 

The bus stopped and more people got on and a woman sat next to me. When I glanced over at her, she was a he. Dressed in woman's clothing, a very masculine looking man looked back at me. 

I felt uncomfortable and a little uneasy at his presence but just ignored him. That was until he started making moaning sounds as if he was experiencing pleasure. 

When I look at him, he was experiencing pleasure. A woman was performing a sex act on him!
I got up and left the bus. 


Sunday, 5 April 2015

Russian McDonalds funfair

I was being driven to a funfair by John the local farmer. I along with many others were being towed in a flat bed trailer with John driving the tractor. 

He was telling us that it was going to be great fun and that it would be the best funfair ever. 
When we arrived there was a man on a stall that was open at the front and the back was also open, looking out over a field. 

I was handed a hoop to throw over a stick that was miles away behind him in field. If this wasn't difficult enough, he pulled up a canopy that covered the stall. 

I then saw that the man had turned into Ronald McDonald. I asked him what the prize was for his near impossible game and he started speaking in Russian to me. 
I gave up. 


Saturday, 4 April 2015

Fun lovin Uncle

I was at the local shops close to my mums house, an area I grew up.  I was walking past the shops on the hill from the underground station, when I saw my uncle John. He was rolling up the shutters to a shop when he noticed me. 

I asked him what he was up to and he wheeled out a brand new push bike and a huge motorcycle. "These are for you and your Mrs, I did a bank job with David and we are loaded". David, my cousin then appeared smiling from head to toe. 

As I walked off pushing my brand new motorcycle, I decided to grass my cousin up the the authorities and took out my phone. 
The scene then instantly changed to David being sent to prison for 10 years. Sorry Cush! 


Friday, 3 April 2015

Islands in the stream

Islands in the stream that is what we are
No one in between how can we be wrong
Sail away with me to another world 
And we rely on each other ah ha 
From one lover to another ah ha. 

Yes I've woken up after a solid 9 hours sleep to the 1983 collaboration between Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers, 'Islands in the stream'. 

Is there a strange connection going on here? Yesterday was bloodstream and today islands in the stream? 


Thursday, 2 April 2015


Color crimson in my eyes
One or two could free my mind
This is how it ends
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream

Fading out again
I feel the chemicals burn in my bloodstream
So tell me when it kicks in

I woke with Ed Sheeran this morning, just his song Bloodstream that is. I can't even start to comprehend the bizarre chain of events that would lead to me actually waking with him. 


Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Ilford new world

I was running away from something, I don't know from what or who but I reached a wall that had metal fence on top of it. I pulled a gap open between two of the metal bars and climbed through. 

I tried to put my leg down onto solid ground but fell to the floor about 10 feet below. When I stood up I was happy that I'd escaped whatever I was fleeing from and looked around me to see where I was. 
It was a building site for new houses, all were part built and the parameters of the site were piled high with stones and bricks. 

I tried to climb over the stones but kept falling back down, everywhere I went, I was unable to escape. There was no people around, the site was silent and devoid of life. I was trapped and unable to do anything to help my plight. 

I looked up and saw a sign that said, 'Welcome to Ilford- the new World'.  

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